I'll Look to Like, if Looking Liking Moves

Dinner to be...

2009-09-02T11:19:00.004-04:00

My Mema grew these tomatoes. Tonight, they are dinner. Homemade spaghetti sauce is one of my favorite things to make. Home grown ingredients only make it better.

Mema also helped me grow some basil. I bought it, and kept it alive for a few months. In June, Kevin and I went out of town so Mema was in charge of watering all of our plants. She took care of my basil for two weeks and it doubled in size and looked better than it EVER had with my help. Mema started teaching me to take care of plants. She taught me how to replant aloe, well any plant, and also began teaching me how to root plants.

So tonight's dinner: Baked lemon chicken with pasta and homemade sauce. Yum.

Food again...

2009-09-01T12:43:00.002-04:00

My main job right now is practicing and teaching. I recently enrolled myself in orchestral excerpt boot camp. Never in a million years did I think I would actually be trying to do this, but you know...sometimes things take you by surprise. Unfortunately, I am super out of shape and learning orchestral excerpts is a feat all by itself. Also, unfortunately, the last concerto I learned really well is not standard and is working against me. So, I started working on a new one, a really standard one...as in everyone plays it.
More than likely, it will take me about a year to be ready for a high stake audition. In the meantime, learning the excerpts, the two concertos (Mozart 5 and Sibelius), and working on Bach takes up most of my day. Teaching in the afternoon keeps me busy and the occasional gig keeps me traveling and learning even more music. So far I've taken two regional orchestra auditions. I got one, didn't get the other one. However, I was super sick for the one I didn't get and had never played two of the excerpts before in an audition. It still discourages me though. Sure, I need to look at the situation realistically. I have never been coached or given extensive lessons on orchestral music/excerpts/yada yada... Now I am. It takes time. I can't just have my first coaching on Don Juan and then expect to win an audition the next weekend? Yeah? I guess...It still makes me sad.
Oh well, I got that other one right?
Here's the other thing: I have started trying to make my food really pretty. Sometimes, my salads are beautiful, other times they are not so much. For some reason, maybe boredom, maybe too many hits with the metronome, I take pictures of the food I make.
I think this blog is going to catalog my preparation processes in food making and audition taking. Related? Maybe. Maybe not. Only time will tell.
Also, our wedding is really sneaking up on us! So many details. So little time.

Food

2009-08-31T10:09:00.002-04:00

Baking. Cupcakes, cakes, cookies...
Yesterday, the craving to make cocoa cupcakes overwhelmed my thoughts. Unfortunately, we were one stick of butter short. We even called my grandmother to see if she had a stick we could have. Alas, she did not answer her phone. No cupcakes.
More than likely, no one gives one hoot about my baking addiction, but oh well.

Poached, boiled, scrambled, or fried?

2009-08-19T09:33:00.003-04:00

Growing up, a favorite movie of mine was "Runaway Bride." The main character, Maggie, is so lost that she doesn't even know what type of eggs she likes. She always likes whatever type of eggs her current boyfriend likes. After seeing the new movie "Julie and Julia" (fabulous, by the way) I realized that I have never poached an egg. Then I thought...what type of eggs do I like? I'm not a big omelette person. I enjoy a fried egg with a runny middle on occasion, and scrambled eggs are OK if they are cooked correctly. I like boiled eggs, especially on salads or deviled. So, I like eggs, but which on is my favorite?
As I spent the time I should have been practicing, thinking about eggs, I remembered Christmas mornings as a child. My mom would prepare on eggs benedict. Yum. That is my favorite way to have an egg. So, after making this realization I wanted to know how you make eggs benedict. How do you make hollandaise sauce? I looked it up. You need to poach the eggs. I also looked up the nutritional facts...they are unfortunate for your health. I can't eat eggs benedict every day...I would be bigger than a house. I also looked up the healthiest way to eat an egg: poached. Hence me learning to poach eggs. 2 good reasons to poach: healthy when eaten alone...not so healthy, but delcious when making eggs benedict. Maybe keeping eggs benedict as a holiday treat would serve me well, until then poaching an egg and serving it on toast with a dash of salt and pepper will do for me.
This morning I made a beautiful poached egg. The best one yet. I almost took a picture of it to show, will do next time.

Home

2009-08-19T08:49:00.002-04:00

Kevin and I are considering buying the home we are currently renting. The house has the potential to be very nice, and is a great starter home. Of course, it does need some work here and there. The cabinets are extremely 1962, the shuffleboard court in the backyard gives the yard a nice Love Boat elderly person feel. The hardwood floors need to be stained again, the kitchen floor is not attractive...you get my drift. So, we may renovate it. It would be a project to complete over the next few years. We don't want to do too much all at once. We could do a little at a time. Number one...paint! These white walls could use some happy.
Every Saturday morning I watch "Property Ladder" on TLC...I know. I am super lame, but I've actually learned more information on renovating a home and the steps needed to make sure everything is up to code. There are some things I don't think I ever would have thought of that the show has shown me like getting the home inspected.
There is a strange little smell sometime in the house. I smelled it the first time I walked in and chocked it up to the house being vacant for some time. However, the smells comes out when the sun shines on the floor, or if the house gets hot, or if we have the air off. I think it is in the wood. Sometimes the faintest hint of old cigarette smoke comes through. I would want to have it investigated before I put a penny down to buy the home. Kevin and I want a project but not if it involves some sketchy house smell that requires ripping up the floors and walls to remove. We shall see...

Life's Good

2009-08-18T13:47:00.003-04:00

Occasionally, I'm overwhelmed at how good life can be. Sometimes it is as simple as sitting on my couch in our den watching the food network, other times it is watching a student finally understand something, and other times it is just the way Kevin looks at me.
Kevin and I are on a kick to try new things. He recently bought a bike and is going to be biking to and from work. We go on dates every weekend and have now made a new date rule: the restraunt or coffee shop must be locally owned and operated. Although I grew up here, I do not know every nook and cranny. Two weekends ago we tried a great Italian restaurant in Acworth. They had wonderful bread and a good salad. The chicken marsala was pretty good, but it was fun and different. Sunday we went to a little coffee shop in Smyrna. It seemed to be OK. We both got coffees, but their smalls are the same size as a Starbucks Grande. So, it seemed to be worth it.
I'd like to go sit there for a while. We were on a bike hunt that day and had to keep moving.
Oh, yes. We bought a car together, it is a cute scion xb.
Our wedding is rapidly approaching. We still need a cake and some other minor details still need to be worked out. We couldn't be happier.

...

2009-08-17T09:16:00.003-04:00

I doubt anyone has read this is a while, but yesterday was such an interesting day.
First off, I'm just now discovering the health benefits of apple cider vinegar. I've been researching ACV and trying to figure out which one to get, organic? filtered? unfiltered? The answer: unfiltered, raw, organic, must contain "the mother"...
So, ACV is good for a lot of things. It cures athletes foot, acne, helps with digestion, helps with weight control...you get the picture.
I decided that it was a GREEEEAAAT idea to use it as a toner. I read the directions a few days ago and thought I'd try it last night. Well, I didn't remember one little detail: test a small area first before you apply it undiluted to your ENTIRE face.
Things were going pretty well, I applied to a blemish and thought, "hmm, that doesn't burn, I will put it all over my face." So I did. I went into the den and sat down with Kevin. I was giggling about how I smelled like ACV and asked him if he could smell it. He could. It was dark and he didn't notice anything unusual looking about my face...only that I stank. So, I told him why I smelled like ACV and then my face started to burn. He laughed and thought I was silly until I shrieked from the bathroom. I yelled for Kevin to get in there. Kevin came running. My face was RED! Really Red. Fever face red. Blotchy red. I looked like I had burned the skin right off. I frantically started rinsing my face with cold water as Kevin tried to assure me that it didn't look THAT bad. So he suggested I put aloe on it. Thank GOD mom had watched that ridiculous Martha Stewart Show that Toast and I had gone to in NYC last year. Mom re-potted some aloe pups for me and gave it to me for Christmas. I stood there in that bathroom with an aloe leaf, stem thingy, and rubbed it all over my face. Kevin scurried over to the computer to find out if there was any info on the internet about my ACV condition. Apparently, you are supposed to dilute the sucker before you apply it on your face and test a small area to see if you are allergic.
I went to bed last night horrified! For some people, ACV burns...yes literally burns a burn on your face, sometimes a 1st degree burn that takes a month to heal... You have to apply a lot of aloe, vitamin e, and neosporin...
The good news is I won't break out for WEEKS...the bad news: I smell like vinegar and have a pinkish hue...
Thank the LORD it was starting to clear up this morning. Yes, it is a little pink, but not nearly as severe as last night. Word to the wise: dilute it!

To Rent or To Buy?

2009-04-06T10:08:00.002-04:00

We've found a house we want to rent. It is super cute, well at least I think it is. I have a tendency to find potential in apartments and homes. The house is 3 bedrooms and 1.2 baths. I say 1.2 because the second bathroom is so tiny and in one of the bedrooms. Nonetheless, it is a very nice home with a big back yard for our little Con Con. He would love it.
The home was built in the late 50's early 60's. It is all brick with mostly hardwood floors. There is ample closet space and storage.
We would turn the front bedroom into an office/studio, have a guest bedroom, and then the master bedroom. The kitchen is nice. I love that the sink is under a window. The car port is big...even big enough for my truck. YAY!
Now, of course there are some draw backs. I am not crazy about the windows. They are too small. I love natural lighting and the windows are about half the size of normal new windows. There is also a giant sliding glass door. Those make me nervous. Poor little birdies can fly into them and then I think it makes it easier for people to break in...but I love the light it lets in. Well, I think the pros outweigh the cons.

2009-03-22T21:32:00.000-04:00

If someone were to ask me what taste reminds you most of your childhood?
I would say roasted marshmellows. Without a doubt. Yum.

2009-03-21T22:37:00.002-04:00

I almost forgot I had a blog that one time I lived in NYC.
I live in a small town now in GA, and I love it.

Engaged!

2008-12-02T07:59:00.001-05:00

Kevin and I got engaged last week. Yay!
Very exciting.
I am home now. Leaving MSM is possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
I am actually going this morning to go talk to someone about starting a violin studio (by me! my idea...yeah) in a church program. I have also advertised lessons with some homeschool websites.
Things are finally going well for me and I feel good.
Connor is asleep on the couch right now. This morning he was snoring and making all sorts of cute puppers noises.
It is wonderful being here. Kevin is wonderful, I love this area. Even the view from outside the window is better than anything I've seen in a long time.
So, here is our Knot page. Haha. I know. It only took me about 3 minutes after getting engaged to advertise it.
We are very happy.
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/NinaBledsoe&KevinRay

and dolphin noises were heard for miles.

2008-11-21T08:47:00.004-05:00

I'm sure you're wondering what in the world that title is about. Well, in high school, my best friend and I came up with all these weird phrases. For example, "he wants to have your babies","It's not always candy canes and unicorns," and "dolphin noises were heard for miles."
Well, I'm pretty sure dolphin noises were heard for miles in my life the past couple of days. For the first time in GOD KNOWS when, I've had a stream of good luck. I saw my family last weekend, which was wonderful and had a fabulous time in the beautiful sunny south. Then, I came back to wretched NYC and had a lovely day shopping with Toast. Later that evening I found out that I got tickets to a taping of the Martha Stewart Show!!! So, Toast and I get to go see Martha! I've wanted to do that for so long! Ok, there are lots of !!!! there, but you don't understand! I used to schedule my undergraduate classes around the 10:00 am Martha Show. Please.
After that, we found out that Mema does not have cancer, then I was walking down the street and saw Laura Linney, one of my favorite actresses, then I found a penny heads up, like Mema would do, then let's see :)...what else happend...oh yea, the most important KEVIN IS COMING TO be with me and then we are MOVING ME OUT!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ok...The "Eeee's" are the dolphin noises that were heard for miles from glee.
Plus mom got a new puppy!!! what a cutiepatootie!

American Tune

2008-11-19T08:48:00.000-05:00

Words & music by Paul Simon

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

I choose: E.) None of the Above

2008-11-19T07:49:00.003-05:00

I am not a good test taker. I have always been thrown by questions that had too many answers that included A) one answer B) another answer C) a different answer D) a stupid answer E) none of the above and F)all of the above G) just answer A and B...
You get my point. Sometimes you do not know which answer is correct.
you know D) is wrong, but the other ones seem wrong too...but wouldn't E) none of the above, be too easy to be right? How can you be asked a question and the answer not be there in front of you?
I'm figuring out that life is this test, the one with all these options. I never want to choose none of the above. It scares me. Most of the time I don't even consider it as an answer.
The reason I am ranting on this is because I have been thinking back to when it came down to making graduate school decisions. There were flaws with each place. No answer seemed to fit 100%, I just couldn't see that the answer E) none of the above, was even an option. It was like I scanned the question too quickly and thought, well A) UM is bad, B) UW-M doesn't seem right, C) Eastman ruled itself out and D) MSM---never liked but loved the teacher....I didn't even see E) NONE OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!
The great thing about that none of the above answer is that there are other possibilities not even mentioned on the page.
I couldn't see that.
I mean, maybe that option wasn't there in my state of mind last March, but you know...I see it now. It's almost as if I took an entrance exam, failed it and am just now taking the real exam. From now on every time I am faced with some huge decision I will remember that there is always another option: None of the above, and I will dare to go in a different direction.

Oh. I am always amused when people tell me they read my blog. Thank you...thank you for reading. :)

She's Beauty and She's Grace She's Miss United States....

2008-11-18T09:53:00.002-05:00

So. That song was stuck in my head all weekend. My little sister was in a beauty pageant this weekend. She was in the Miss Northwest Florida Pageant. It was the first beauty pageant I ever attended. I have to say, Cason was wonderful. She was beautiful. She got two awards: Miss Congeniality and First Runner Up! Pretty good for her first pageant ever. She's amazing.
YAY! Cas!!!
I was so proud. Still am.

So, I have nothing to do this week except teach today. Kevin is coming on Saturday! (I can't wait.) I think I need a manicure, because I don't know if you've seen my hands, but they need help. My nails are looking a little raggedy. I can't have raggedy nails y'all.

I may just walk myself down to get a manicure.
Then after that I think may bop down to 50th and go to Anthropologie. Who knows?
Maybe I might even break out my violin...who knooowwws?

2008-11-14T08:49:00.003-05:00

Ummm. I am Pam...from The Office.

Umm. Yes.
What am I going to do today? I think I may go shopping and maybe just might go to the Met again. I am trying to decide. I have all day with nothing to do until the orchestra concert tonight.
Bonnie is going to do my make up tonight because I never wear any make up...except mascara.

At the end of the episode Pam sums it up best...."I'm coming back the wrong way...I really didn't like it...I just really wanted to come home and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do."
Me.

Weirdest Dream of My LIFE!

2008-11-13T09:56:00.003-05:00

Don't eat a salad from Whole Foods too late at night...you will have odd dreams...such as this one:

Kevin and I were somewhere. I couldn't tell where, but he was going to propose and I was really excited about it. So, I am running around doing my own thing while Kevin is doing his own thing. It We go to eat some dinner and dessert and he told me I would really like my dessert. I knew the engagement ring was in the piece of cake, so I started tearing it up with my fork. So, I found the engagement ring and it was really weird looking. It was yellow gold, had spiky pearls, and blue feathers on it. It was also a ring set of wedding ring and engagement ring. I tried really hard to pretend like I liked it, but those aqua feathers were something else. The rest of the dream was me and Kevin trying to figure out what to do with the ring. It was so hideous. I wish I could draw a picture of it...wait ...maybe I can. I just made it in paint...here it is.

I told Kevin about the dream this morning and he thought it was funny, I think and told me I had nothing to worry about.
He is the sweetest in all the land.

What an odd dream though. I think part of it was that Bonnie and I were talking about King Cakes yesterday and about how she would always find the baby in the cake at Mardi Gras. Then Bronwyn and I were talking about me and Kevin late last night. So, I guess it was just on my mind. How strange. Oh well. Yesterday was a strange day anyway. I don't think I should olives on salads too late at night anymore. Who in the world has ever heard of a ring with feathers on it? Never in my life.

2008-11-12T08:32:00.002-05:00

For about two seconds I thought it was Thursday.
That would have been nice.
I'm a wee conflicted at the moment about leaving school before the semester is over. I mean, I am feeling better than I was earlier, but I am wondering if I feel better because I am relieved that I'm leaving or if there is actually a reason to stay.
Hmm.
I need to think on this one.
The thing is, I think it would be better not to have grades, that's one of the main reasons I want to leave. When I reapply to grad school, my credits are not going to transfer from MSM. I am going to have to start all over again anyway.
I was really down last week about being here, but it isn't as bad this week. Hmm...Maybe it is because it is sunny.
I need to reflect.
Any thoughts?

2008-11-11T09:04:00.004-05:00

Ewww. I don't want to go to class today.
It is beautiful outside though. That is nice. Today is busy. I have aural skills, history, teaching, then orchestra.
On a brighter note, I am going to Tallahassee this weekend and cannot wait! My wee sister is in a beauty pageant. She is a beautiful person. I am so proud of her. I can't wait to see her dress. Oh my! Dresses!
Actually, speaking of dresses, I want to find a dress to wear in the recital that Eddie and I are giving in February. I mean, I have time, but I always like to plan ahead. Maybe Eddie and I can coordinate again. If Eddie and I do anything well, it is looking good and coordinating outfits. Why can't everyone be as beautiful as me? ---Me? Think I am awesome?---Never---
So. I was thinking yesterday about the things I am going to miss in NY. I will miss the the crispness of the air, the brunch places on every corner, the lighting in my room, the Barnes and Noble on 66th, the Anthropologie on 50th, the Met, and maybe Westside Market, other than that I think I will survive just fine.
One of the things that surprises me is that I feel so excited about leaving and being able to practice on my terms.
Kevin and I were talking last night about how great he feels being in control of his life. I feel like I need to do that.
I got in touch with my high school orchestra director and she is going to try to help me get some students and maybe hire me as a clinician. Yay! Jobs!
Only 18 more days people. 18. I am going to make the most out of every one. Like Beth said, do everything I want to now so I don't look back and say, "I wish I had done that while I was living in NY."

2008-11-10T20:34:00.002-05:00

My sistar and I had a very fun time this weekend. We went to the Cloisters, which makes you feel like you are not in NY, which automatically makes me like it. We went to the Met, and spent a few hours there and only saw part of one floor. We walked through Central Park, saw a black squirrel and ate yummy salads. It was a very nice weekend and just what I needed to help boost me through my last few days until Kevin gets here. If all I had to do in NY was walk through museums and through Central Park on a beautiful day, then it wouldn't be so bad.

No TV

2008-11-07T08:38:00.002-05:00

Since I have no TV, I watch shows the next day online on Hulu. This morning I'm watching The Office. Very good show. It makes me laugh.
Although, this boy just told Pam that she should stay in NY for the art scene and I would have to say no. Leave Pam leave. Jim is much better than NY.
Ok, I am writing about a TV show, Oh...My....have I completely lost my mind? It is possible.

2008-11-06T19:16:00.002-05:00

um. I take most of that back.
I'm ready to come home.
Forget 40 days in the desert. I just realized I've already put in more than 40 days in this wasteland. It is time to come home.

40 Days

2008-11-06T18:18:00.003-05:00

Left in the desert known as MSM.
If Jesus could do it...can't I?
I mean, those Israelites wandered around for 40 years, I can last about 40 more days right?
Not in any way do I think I'm Jesus or an Israelite in the Bible, but I feel as though I am doing my share of wandering through the rough times at the moment.
On my way down to the Mitzi Newhouse Pavilion (oh honey please...that is a fancy name for the shittiest cafeteria known to man housed in the lower level of MSM) I realized that I only had 40 days (well 42) left in this hell-hole. I wondered, as I wandered, if Jesus was tested and left out in the desert for 40 days and came out OK couldn't I?
One of my teachers today pointed out that we only have 4 classes left. It made it sound so doable. The class is extremely painful, but I could have a little countdown and let that be one of my goals. All I have to do is sit in that horrible classroom that smells like a gym locker room (because they have classes in there all day and the school is not well ventilated...I am sure that we all may die of asbestos poisoning...but that my dears is beside the point) 4 more times plus the final exam. I thought about changing my ticket to the 18th of December so that I wouldn't have to sit in there for the final exam and could take it early. That sounds nice to me. However, I might get some kind of satisfaction by completing it to the bitter...oh so not bitter end.
Why is it called bitter end? I can't think of anything less bitter than being finished here. Maybe it should be glorious end to a bitter situation. Yes. That's it.
Well, here I go to wander like Jesus.

Online Shopping

2008-11-06T12:30:00.002-05:00

I ordered some clothes from GAP the other day and they were delivered two days ago. I ordered the argyle sweater, a yellow button down shirt, a dress shirt, and a white cami.
When I opened the package on the elevator, I saw the yellow shirt. Online it looked like it was a pretty mustard yellow plaid. When I got it in person it was actually vomit yellow. You know the kind that looks like you ate a hot dog with lots of French's mustard and and then ate strawberries and blueberries. It was the ugliest shirt I have ever seen in my life. So, I returned it. The dress shirt was awful also. It looked like it had a Victorian collar on top of a potato sack with a belt that went around my hips. It was suppose to tie at my waist, but because of my smallness and the shirt's hideousness it tied at my hips. I looked awful in it. I could barely get that stupid collar over my head. So I returned the vomit plaid and the Victorian potato sack. Sometimes online shopping just isn't the best.
Well, I have almost completely decided to withdraw before the semester is out. This place makes me ill. I try so hard to take it day by day. Luckily my sister is coming tomorrow and then the following weekend I will be back in beautiful Tallahassee, and then the following weekend the love of my life will be here with me. I hope he takes me back home with him.

I can tell my kids...

2008-11-05T08:14:00.003-05:00

that I voted for Barack Obama, the first black president.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping. Obama was ahead in the polls, but he hadn't won yet. I stayed there in my bed tossing and turning until I couldn't handle it anymore. I got up checked at sometime during the 11 o'clock hour, and saw that Obama had won by a landslide. As I was reading the articles about the first black president of the United States a wave of emotion washed over me. Within seconds of finding out I heard screaming and starting looking for the origin. I opened my window and saw hundreds of people running and walking through the street up Broadway yelling "Obama!" and general exclamations of joy. Never in my life have I seen this. Growing up in the South in the 80's and 90's, it is not likely for people to "take to the streets."
Kevin and I have talked frequently about "taking to the streets" and how people used to do it, but not so much anymore in America. I heard a political analyst say that nothing like this has happened for my generation since the 1960's. It is very exciting.
Another thing I did last night was search for and read European news articles about the US election.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/uselection2008/

2008-11-04T22:53:00.001-05:00

elections make me nervous...especially when I see that the county I voted in was overwhelmingly for McCain. Scary...shame on you Nassau County.
I wish I could have voted in Leon or Miami-Dade. At least there I would have been among friends.

a.m. Upset...

2008-11-04T08:49:00.003-05:00

For some reason, the past two mornings have made me really upset. Not upset in the Oh my god I'm still here in NYC upset, but the upset where you are drinking your coffee and then have a mouth full of grinds.
My coffee filters are not completely filtering the coffee grinds and there are little bitty grinds in the bottom of my mug and coffee pot. It is very upsetting. My coffee tasted so good and then got all gritty. I am quick to blame the eco-friendly filters. The directions on the box says to fold the seams, so I do. It makes the filters fit better in the little filter basket, but I think it might be ripping just a little bit.
Now, even more exciting than my ripping coffee filters: fabric stores and Martha tickets. I just sent in a ticket request for me and Bonnie to go see a Martha Show taping in December. I also need to find a stamp store here in DooDoo NYC. Here I go to find a stamp store.

Out of all the Charlie Browns you are the Charlie Browniest...

2008-11-03T18:36:00.002-05:00

That might be me. Out of all the Nina Grays I am the Nina Gray-iest.
I'm watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas." I've already watched the Halloween and the Thanksgiving ones. I think "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is my favorite. Oh my.
My goal for this week is to try to get tickets to a Martha Stewart Show taping and to find some craft shops to spur my creativity.
Oh My...Connor is my Snoopy! I miss Con Con Bon Bon. Apparently he has not been a good boy everyday. Little Teense. I can't wait to be there with him. Yesterday I was day dreaming about being back in GA and me and Teense walking around a neighborhood or the Kennesaw Battlefields. He loves to run around my Mema's yard. I am looking forward to so many things. I just need to find a way to be level here until I leave. Maybe little field trips will make me feel better, like my little projects to find tickets and craft shops and research sewing machines and maybe finding teaching books and rubber stamps. I also need to do a little Christmas shopping...buying things for other people always makes me feel better.
The Christmas decorations are going up in the store already. I can't help but feel a little sad at Christmas. I think that is why I like the Charlie Brown Christmas. I love when they decorate that little tree. Linus wraps it in the blanket and they decorate with Snoopy's decorations. I want a wee tree.
I think a lot about life lessons. I try to figure out if maybe the reason I am here in this horrible place is to learn some grand lesson that I won't truly understand until later. Most life lessons are like that. You can't see the point in the dust storm, only when you are out of it. I must say that there is starting to be a silver lining in this dark cloud known as the MSM days.
There are things I am grateful for about coming here though. I know more about what I want and what I don't want. I am learning to put myself first and take care of myself. I am learning that. I guess that what lifetimes are for.

bags are prettier with my initials tattoed on them.

2008-11-02T22:08:00.002-05:00

Welcome November!
If it is November, then it is almost December, which means I am almost home.
Well, I was reading through my Mary Engelbreit magazine last night and had a thought. I remembered how I used to want to sew and then never really did...it is a long story...but now I am headed back home and thinking that for the first time in a long time I am going to do things I have always wanted to do like take sewing lessons and maybe even some cooking classes. I have a shot at being happy and finding out what really makes me tick and I am going to take it.
I had an epiphany...I love Vera Bradley bags...I love monograms on Vera Bradley bags...I love soft towels...I love monograms on soft towels, I love sheets and I love monograms on soft sheets...this all got me to thinking. What do these things have in common? Monograms!!! If a bag is pretty alone it is even prettier with my initials tattooed on them. So, in my few fantasy of taking up sewing again after a 13 year slump, I am also going to learn to do embroidery and learn to monogram. I may even start doing it for other people if I am good at it. It can be my little creative business on the side of my lessons. I mean, most of my lessons will be taught after school so this could help me earn some money and be something creative and fun.
I also miss stamping. I used to be really into rubber stamping and making stationery. I think I will also get on that again. Also! My friend and I have been talking about opening a little store together, in about 5 years, that would be eclectic. I could do all the monogramming there too! Oh my!!! This sounds amazing to me. I miss my crafty side and feel like I had to squelch it when I was working in my undergrad. I am ready to let my creative side out and have a feeling that it will help my music, my playing, and my teaching.

life is expensive

2008-11-01T09:48:00.003-04:00

why is life so expensive?
For those of you who don't know...my truck needs major repairs. The transmission is busted. Last weekend the window fell to the bottom of the door, the battery is corroded...well was. Mema and Kevin had to get it fixed since I wasn't there to take it in myself. Mema's car guys did a full body look over of my truck and told her she was lucky to have made it to the shop. The truck has over 100,000 miles on it. So, the window and battery are fixed and now we are waiting for the parts to come in for my new transmission. There was a brief conversation about selling the truck. However, the back end is falling off (extensive body damage) and the transmission is bust. The repairs are actually costing close to what the truck is worth, but I can't sell it how it is. I can't drive it how it is...so it's time to fix it. I love that truck. Not even going to lie. That truck is amazing. I miss it.

caffeine...

2008-10-31T09:55:00.002-04:00

got to kick it.
I have switched to 1/2 caff coffee. I am not sure this is going to work, but with my recent heart racings I have decided to cut some of the caffeine while in school here. Honestly, I think a lot of my heart beating craziness is due to anxiety and stress. A neighbor and I were having a conversation yesterday about how anxious he is and how the school makes him anxious. I agree. When I leave the school I feel so much better.
Enough about that...I am about as worn out as a person can get over this election. I hate how all of this just lags on and on. I cannot wait until next Tuesday when all of this will be said and done.
So, I feel as though the orchestra schedule here had a direct influence on how sick I got a few weeks ago. I was not sick a single day until that orchestra schedule started. Also, I was not able to do yoga every day like I was before. So, I am going to do an experiment and take my vitamins everyday and do yoga everyday no matter how early I have to get up when orchestra starts on Monday. If Iget sick again, I do not know what on this earth I will do.

2008-10-30T10:35:00.003-04:00

I just found and ordered an argyle sweater. I like classic looks and it is cold here.
Yay. I am so excited about going home. I have about umm, how many weeks here left? Until December 19th. Now, I've got little goals/marks to look forward to almost every weekend until I leave. My sister is coming next weekend, then the following weekend I will be in Tallahassee, then the following weekend after that Kevin will be here for a week. That is Thanksgiving week, and then there are only two weeks left. One of the last two weekends my mom is going to come and help me move out! MOVE OUT! Yay!!!! So if I do that kind of math, I am out of here in about 4 days.
I haven't been this happy in a long long time. I remember over the summer just having this pit in my stomach about coming to MSM. I was not excited at all. I was actually dreading it. I had no happy feelings about coming. Then I got here, thought it would be ok, then it became glaringly obvious that I needed to leave. Now, I have this new plan of just leaving. Leaving and teaching some violin lessons in GA. I am so excited about it. I am not making any more plans than that thought. My teacher here thinks it is a good idea not to make too many future plans. I just need to take care of me for a while and not jump from one thing to another. I've never done anything like this in my life. I have always just pushed through and kept going because it was what I was supposed to be doing. Says who? I don't know, but now I am going to do what I know is right for myself. The registrar yesterday said, "What are your plans? Where are you going to transfer?" I said I don't know and that I just need some time off. He said "Only you would know what is best for you." He's right. Only I know...and I do.

2008-10-29T23:15:00.002-04:00

Turning in my withdrawal form lifted about 1,000 pounds off of my shoulders. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I was genuinely smiling and happy as the registrar stamped it and put it in my file. I cannot wait to leave.
Bonnie and I saw "The Secret Life of Bees" tonight. I really loved it. I cried through a lot of it. I cried when I read the book. There weren't many people in the theater, but it is a Wednesday night, so I guess that is normal. The movie made me miss the South. I miss the fields and the sunlight. The sunlight in the south is gorgeous. I never want to live in another big city ever. I want a small house with a yard in a small(ish) town with access to civilization. I want to be the local violin teacher, maybe even teach at a community college, who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be here and I know that for the first time I love where I came from and cannot wait to go back. Funny how life comes full circle like that?
Hopefully Kevin and I can rent a house or something next year with a little yard where the light streams in through the trees. A place where Connor can run around, a place where I can go running and not feel like I am taking my life in my hands, a place where I can grow a little garden, a place where I can sit in the grass, where we actually need a lawn mower. I'm beginning to see what my Dad always talked about with the disintegration of American life and land. I see now why he wanted so desperately to leave us property. He always said that would be the most valuable thing. He wanted us to own land, to own land where there were trees and yards. I see now exactly what he was talking about and why he sought out land. Now, it is my turn.

2008-10-28T17:34:00.000-04:00

People who freely share their religious views care nothing about the person's they are talking to.
Yesterday I had someone freely give me some "Christian" advice. I almost wanted to tell her where to stick that advice, but sat politely instead. I needed her signature on my withdrawal form.

Moving on.
I had a wonderful weekend with my Kevin and Connor.
Connor practically mowed me over when I got in the apartment. I miss those boys and cannot wait to be there full time in December.
I have a stupid coaching...I will finish this later.

2008-10-28T09:08:00.000-04:00

Watch This
Yo Yo Ma is the Guest.

This is me studying for my Renaissance history test. Good Job Me.

2008-10-27T17:29:00.002-04:00

So this cold turned out to be an acute upper respiratory infection complete with canker sores, dehydration, and a bad reaction to cold medicine, which made my heart rate so high that I was not released from the ER for two hours.
Yes. The ER. On Friday I did three of the scariest things you can do alone. Usually these individual experiences are enough to send someone over the edge. How about all three in one day?
So. Last Friday I woke up to someone in my throat popping and oozing down my throat, I was supposed to fly to see Kevin that afternoon, but I thought. Oh my. If this is strep and one of those white things just popped, I am in big trouble. So, I scooted myself over to the ER because who can find a doctor in NYC at the drop of the hat? Ok, so here is number one. Going to a NYC ER alone. I sat with all the crazies and waited my turn for the nurse to look at me like I was insane and hold my hand. She took my heart rate twice, I found out an hour later it was because my heart rate was close to twice of what it should have been. Especially considering that I had not been running and had no fever. They kept asking me questions about what I had taken, how I felt, all these crazy things. Then they told me that I was dehydrated. Then they decided to numb my throat, then they set me up with fluids for an hour to try to #1 hydrate me and #2 get my heart rate down to safe and normal. Did I mention I was sharing a room with a woman who was having sever stomach pains? Oh yes.
Well, finally they diagnosed me with an acute respiratory infection. Viral...which means no antibiotics...which means...wait it out.
OK! So.
The next thing I did was grab a cab to go to the airport. I do not know how many of you have ever ridden in a cab at rushour in New York, but you truly do take your life into your hands. My cabbie decided I was late to my plane and proceeded to shave 5 years off of my life by weaving in and out of lanes and almost killing us by pulling out in front of 18-wheelers.
OK...the 3rd most favorite thing I endured Friday...mind you I had a killer sore throat...I mean really swollen with sores in my mouth...
I finally got to the airport and found out that...yes my flight had been delayed about 2.5-3 hours. I spent about 2 -3 extra hours in the airport. The flight was so turbulent that they didn't serve any beverages or those peanuts. I finally got to ATL at about 10:00 p.m...I should have been there at 7:30. I was supposed to go the Cheesecake Factory with Kevin for a nice dinner date and didn't get to eat until 11, which was OK because how can you eat all of that with a ridiuclous sore throat?

So...that was my day. ER...Cab...Airport...

Other than that...Kevin and I had a wonderful weekend. I cannot wait to move back in with him in December. My days are numbered here. I got my withdrawal form signed today by everyone but the director of student life!!! Yay!
Yay me.

Oh..on that front...today our orchestra rep teacher went on a 30 minute tirade about how you need to think long and hard about being a professional violinist. He said make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. He also encouraged us to ween ourselves off of our teachers and be our own musicians. He said they don't make them like they used to. Violinists...musicians that is.
He talked about playing under Bernstein...he talked about old musicians. He talked about how if we are here we are looking at mid range to low range jobs...OK...that sold me. The writing is on the wall.
I am outta here! and feel really good about it.

2008-10-22T15:55:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wish I was a little more aggressive about calling people out. I have gotten better about it, but still am not 100% ok with knowing when something should be said in professional situations.
First off let me introduce everyone in this next story and tell you where they work:
Me: Music teacher in MSM outreach program
Boss: MSM Employee, head of educational outreach
Principal: School principal of the school where MSM students come to teach music lessons in the afternoons.
Co-teacher: My partner in teaching violin, also an MSM student teacher in the outreach program

Last week I was very upset after teaching. My boss basically made me and another teacher leave three eight year olds on the side of the street in Harlem in rush hour. She said we were costing her money and to get into the hired car. Well, earlier she had said that it was imperative that we take the children across the street to the other side of the school because the traffic was bad and the children are used to their street being closed off during school hours. This only applies when it isn't costing our boss money I guess. My co-teacher and I were appalled.
Today, we got an email from the principal of the school where we teach saying that it was imperative that we personally escort the students across the street. This email from the school principal was sent to my boss who then forwarded it to all the music teachers. The email made me furious because of the way my superior forced us to leave students because it was "costing her money."
So, this afternoon I checked my email. My co-teacher wrote an email, hit reply to all (which included our boss and the school's principal, and basically said she (my co-teacher) was interested by this email because of the events of the first week of teaching involving our boss. She basically said our boss told us to leave the kids and what did everyone think of this situation?
I wanted to write the same email but didn't know if I could or not. I am so glad someone did.

2008-10-22T13:31:00.001-04:00

I want to go home. Now.

2008-10-21T17:43:00.002-04:00

blackberry sage tea...tastes better than it sounds and smells, which I find amusing seeing as ginger peach tea smells better than it tastes.

2008-10-21T17:03:00.000-04:00

This cold is ridiculous.
I need for it to go away. Right now. Please.

2008-10-20T21:43:00.001-04:00

I had another one of those moments where I thought maybe I will just take a leave of absence...and then I saw it. The review for the orchestra concert last Friday night.
This school is outrageous. The review was not complimentary, it basically said that the concertmaster thought that the orchestra was going to fall apart in one of the pieces. They actually quote her saying that. Amazing morale boost huh? Then, the review goes on to say that the group is primarily inexperienced undergraduates who need to take a good listen to the concert recording and then compare it to more experienced groups to see how it stacks up.
Ok...there are so many things wrong with this I barely even know where to start. All I know is that I want a copy of it to put in my file of evidence of how horrible this environment is.
Wow.
I am missing my USO/UPO and any Aspen Music Festival concerts right about now.
Wow.
I was shocked. Still am actually.
I packed up another box today to mail home. It feels good to know I am leaving.

boo

2008-10-20T12:54:00.000-04:00

I just might turn into a vitamin.
I've been popping my wellness vitamins like there is no tomorrow and have half way successfully beaten the cold. I am not going to class today because I am exhausted and feel that if I do too much all my hard work to get rid of this junk will be undone. So, I am staying in my room, drinking tea, water, soup, and reading until my eyes fall out of my head. I am hibernating in my little space of a dorm room until my lesson tonight.
I cannot and will not be sick when I go home to see Kevin this weekend.
Exciting news...I have almost finished my NYU application. Hip Hip Hooray! I am now working on my personal statement, essay, and resume. I also need to gather up my recommendations.
How exciting?
I am thinking about taking a leave of absence instead of fully withdrawing next semester until I find out about NYU. Even though I hate it here, I do want to take lessons with Laurie and do not want to too hastily jump ship.
What are your thoughts?

warding off a cold.

2008-10-19T11:00:00.002-04:00

Everyone here is sick. People are coughing and sneezing all over the place. My throat is a little scratchy, so I spent the day in bed yesterday watching movies and trying really hard to stop it before it starts. However, I would rather be sick right now than be sick over this coming weekend. The weather keeps changing between super hot and cold and windy. Plus, when you add the ridiculous orchestra schedule, which Bonnie's doctor says is abusive, it makes people sick.
This morning I started looking at some cars. Kevin is having car troubles. Wouldn't it be nice to have a Prius? I would love a Prius.
I love my truck though. I am going to get my truck all fixed up when I get home. I am going to ask Milton who should do the body work and then get that bumper fixed and get the paint touched up in a couple of places. Hoorah! Or maybe I will get it fixed in the Dina over Christmas and it can stay in the shop while Kevin and I are in Miami. Hey...that sounds like a good plan.
I need to shower. Maybe I should do yoga...maybe that would release some of this goo in my throat.

2008-10-18T20:42:00.003-04:00

"A damn fine answer if I do say so my damn self" - Fletch in the movie Fletch
"If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest!" Beauty and the Beast
I have watched movies all day long minus the time I took off to go to the store for some ice cream.
I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat all day long. I felt it coming on last night and have been taking my vitamins and resting. I can't afford to be sick. Although, I would rather be sick this weekend rather than next weekend. I am going to see my Kevin next weekend.

2008-10-18T10:52:00.002-04:00

I have a meeting next week with an adviser from NYU to talk about the M.A. with certification program.
I was thinking of popping down to NYU today to check it out and get a feel for the neighborhood. However, my throat is a little scratchy. I don't feel sick, but would rather not go all around making it worse. I can keep a cold from coming on if I just hang out and take it easy today. There are all kinds of people sick right now so I am going to do my best to make sure I don't get sick and the scratchiness doesn't turn into a cold.
We had our first orchestra concert last night and let me just say that it was very empty.
However, I did love the conductor. He is the cutest old man. His conducting was very clear and he was very encouraging. I found myself being more amused than anything else at my 17 year old stand partner, yet another reason I know I am in the wrong field of music. She was extremely overactive, but only in the really easy sections. She rushed, played out of tune, and bobbed and weaved all over the place when the music was easy enough for her to actually play all of the notes. She was what I call a "freak-out." I almost laughed out loud at one point because it just reminded me of how competitive I was and how cool I thought I was to be a freshman and playing in orchestra with older people. The look on her face was priceless when she asked what year I was. As I told her that I was a first year masters student a look of competition and unwarranted ego spread across her face. She will learn. Boy will she learn. I only recognized the face because I remember being her age and learning that my stand partner was older and thinking that I was better than he/she was. Oh kids. This girl has a rude...RUDE awakening coming to her when she realizes that it doesn't matter and that we are all in the same boat. She's green, as Kevin would say. Oh my. I guess some things never change.
Sometimes I muse over my change in priorities and my change in my view of reality.
I wonder sometimes how many grad students said the same thing of me. I know there had to be some that thought, "oh Nina...you will learn. You will learn." But, as an older student it isn't my place to put this girl in her place. Experience is the only teacher.
What amazes me is that there are still people, graduate students, that have this same girl's mindset. The other day, I met a recent MSM violin grad. He just got his masters and is now working a part time job filing papers and has a few students here and there. He has a masters degree and is a paper filer with close to $100,000 of debt.
Wow. Now that is living the dream isn't it? The sad thing is...this kid thinks he is waiting for his big break. I wanted to look at him and say, "Look Buster, you're how old? 25? 26? If your big break in violin hasn't happened yet, it isn't going to." Sad but true. Oh well. At least he did what he wanted to right?
Hmm. Honestly...I'd rather have health insurance and a steady paycheck and play chamber music on the side than file papers and wait around for orchestra positions to open up.
I am really proud of my decision to leave MSM.
I am also really proud of myself for coming here and figuring this out on my own. Now, I just have to get NYU to fall in love with me. If not NYU there are other schools, there are other programs. The search has begun.

2008-10-17T08:30:00.002-04:00

Ok.
Now. This roller coaster I have taken you on about my life I sure has left you dazed and confused and thinking that I might possibly be insane. However, I think I have found the solution. (For real this time) Let me set this up for you and the set up the way my mind got here. Here it is: After much turmoil in my mind about my personal and my professional life I realized a few things. I realized that I am very young, I am very much a violinist, I want to be a musician, I want to calm it down a little and deal with some really hard things I've overcome in my life, I want to teach, I want a masters degree, I want to study with Laurie, I want to get certified as a teacher, and I want to be near my family. In the next breath, I don't want to be in a masters program that isn't right for and is costing me thousands, I don't want to be in debt, I don't want to be unemployed when I graduate. I want a job with security. I want to help people.
So, I started looking around. How can I still study with Laurie? How can I take some time off? How can I? Ahh!
I began looking at different graduate programs at different universities. I checked out Indiana, Columbia, the SUNY schools, and then I came up on NYU. NYU offers a program where you can get your masters in music education and get certified at the same time. NYU also lets you study privately with whoever you want to in the city. Hmm...sound good to anyone?
Kevin still has two years at his school and this program takes about two years. If I could get in and get a scholarship or an assistantship, I could move back home in December, make some money, live with Kevin, heal a little, put myself back together, then move back to NY in August to start a more realistic and fitting degree in an environment more suited to my needs, personality, and career goals, AND study with Laurie.
I knew I'd figure this out eventually, but there is such a weight that is off coming to this realization. I offered this idea to Laurie in my lesson last night and she loved it. She said she would definitely take me as a student again and agreed that going home next semester was the best thing for me.
We talked about how this semester isn't a waste at all but an investment in myself. If I hadn't come, hadn't tried, I would have never known.
So, now what? Apply to NYU. I am going to go down there, it is only about 5.5 miles from where I live now, and talk to the people and find out what the program is about and see if it would be a good fit. Yesssss.

2008-10-16T09:42:00.003-04:00

Someone told me yesterday that sometimes you have to fall apart to being able to be put back together in a different way.

I liked that.

I've been thinking a bit about that today. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Music History. Today, I was letting my mind wander as the girl behind me kicked my chair and I practiced self control and breathing techniques...I am in control of my reactions only...I can breathe through this...the entire class...Thanks girl who kicked my chair and the people who constantly chattered for 50 minutes. Thanks. You guys are helping me hone my relaxation in tense environment skills.

Ok, so to the point I go. I thought for the first time about how young I am. I'm only 23. All I've known is school and violin. Then it hit me. I remembered the graduate students I respected in high school and an undergrad. They weren't the 22 and 23 year old people. The ones I liked and respected were 25 and 26 and had some life experience, work experience before they got their master degrees. I understand now why people don't blast right through. I haven't even had a chance to let the things I learned in undergrad settle and experience them as an artist. Wouldn't that be nice? Hmmm. Well...I have more to say but have to meet some people to return parts to the library....ahhhhh

2008-10-15T13:27:00.003-04:00

What on this earth.
MSM: Manhattan School of Misery.
Honestly, every time I think, "Oh this is going better...I can stick this out..." something else happens. It never fails. The writing is on the wall.
Actually, the writing has been on the wall quite literally a few times. There is a building on Amsterdam that has a quote by Roosevelt about saving money and about how that is very important. Then I started reading a book that was about families and being happy, then the next book I read was about a girl who was a very competitive pastry chef from a well to do family who got offered a job that was "beneath her" but she is taking a chance to do it and be happy. She didn't want to be in the harsh environment anymore and was tired of pushing and pushing and just wanted to be happy. She even starts at a New York school and then a week later transfers to a culinary school. Hmm.. familiar?
The other one was yesterday, Bonnie and I were at Sarabeth's and there were newspaper articles from the 80's about being happy and being successful. Every where I turn the signs point to doing something else for a little while. Beth said it might not hit me on the head, but this is coming pretty close. It scares me a little to leave school though. Even though it is wretched here, school is all I know.
After seeing those kids yesterday where I am starting to teach I realized that I'm in a little bubble. A self hating, competitive bubble called a conservatory. It clicked...I realized that my skills as a violinist, my heart, my soul as a violinist won't diminish if I choose not to complete a degree here. As Beth said, it may open doors I never knew existed. So. There we go.

2008-10-13T22:23:00.002-04:00

I am so tired at the moment, but still seem to not get into bed. I talked to mom for a long time tonight and that made me feel better.
I had a really good lesson today. I felt so much better than I have in previous weeks and lessons. Laurie and I started new. I'm playing Mozart 5 and it is going really well. It is a beautiful piece and she really likes my Mozart style playing. She says it is something you either have or you don't.
Mom said something interesting tonight...she said I'd been blessed with teachers. She's right. I have. Studying with Beth was no mistake. Beth led me to Laurie, which was no mistake either.
The past two months have been difficult ones. NYC is not a place for the faint at heart. Laurie and I talked tonight about how the music business is no sweet business. It will beat you up even if you don't have any emotional baggage.
Apparently I tote around a few extra heavy bags. For a long time I was able to keep it together, not show anything, just be...or at least I thought so...but now, I am starting to split at the seams a little. My cracks are starting to show. Tonight in my lesson, I realized that I pushed myself to all the goals over the past few years. I accomplished a lot, but now living out one of my goals I've had some time to do some personal inventory and really think and examine my choices and my life. Laurie pointed out that I made goals, one of them getting into my #1 Graduate School choice, which I did. Yay me. Now what? It was an interesting conversation.
Maybe a straight up withdrawal isn't the best choice...maybe I should take a leave of absence and then see where I am.
Here's another thing: The next time someone asks me what I do for fun...or what I do to enjoy myself...I want to have an answer. A good answer...I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

2008-10-12T16:54:00.002-04:00

My mom just told me to think about happy things for ten minutes and focus on them. So, to help me focus here I go.
I am trying to remember a time I was really happy. I mean really happy, whether it was a moment or a series of moments...let me think.

The first thing that comes to my mind is the day that my Mom and Dad gave me my truck. A beautiful 2000 Black Dodge Ram. It was an afternoon after school and my parents came to pick me up. They had gone to Dalton that day to get some chairs or something, so I wasn't surprised to see them both outside the back of good ol' LHS with Tea Biscuit, our 1990's Ford conversion van. However, there were no seats left in the van. The only seats available were the driver and the passenger. So, me, being the sweet daughter I am, started climbing up in the back of the van to sit amongst the wicker furniture which was headed to the Beach House. My parents were grinning from ear to ear. They pulled me out of the back of the van and told me I could go home in something else...then I saw it. That beautiful 2000 Black Dodge 1500 Ram...V8 engine! I freaked out and my parents handed me the keys. I was only fifteen so my mom rode back with me and let me drive! It was amazing. I feel like since dad never had any sons the minute I started about wanting a truck he jumped on it and started looking. He picked the best one ever. There is a picture of me and Dad in one of my albums at home of us in the back of the truck the day I got it. We named the truck Rufus...and Rufus he is.
Another time I was really happy was when I found out I won the FSU Concerto Competition. I was the last one to audition, my accompianist and friend, Matthew played with me. He had gone a few people before me and played Rach. 3 Piano Concerto...a tough act to follow. But anyway, I was last. I had been working on the Bartok 1st Violin Concerto and was as ready as I was ever going to be. I had on my velvet black skirt, black heels, and a beautiful heart knecked black shirt. Beth, my teacher, snuck backstage to hear me play. I started playing...I did the first movement and then they asked for some of the second. I played and thought, huh, that went well...but we shall wait and see. I packed up my violin, chit chatted with Beth and Matty and went to the other side of Opperman for the results. It was nice not having to wait to long to find out. I slumped down on the bench and waited for the results. Dr. J. gave a little talk about how well everyone did and how good the auditions went and what an honor it was to be in the finals and then I waited for Matt to be crowned King of Concerto and Dr. J. announced the runner-up..."Matthew Cataldi!" I thought wow! Yay Matt, but who won if Matthew didn't? That flute player? Then he said and the winner of the 2006 Young Artists Competition is Nina Bledsoe. I just sat there. No joke...and looked at him like he was kidding and said "Really? Are you kidding me? I haven't won anything since the fifth grade?! I was so excited. I called my mom, called Beth, called Kevin, called my Dad, called Mema, and called Bronwyn and started shopping for a dress! Amazing day right before going hom to Thanksgiving.
Another really happy day was the day Kevin told me he loved me. We really hadn't been dating very long, but we knew it was right. I'd been wanting to tell him for a while and everytime I tried to get the words out I'd just fumble all over the place and end up saying "hi". No joke. He told me that he thought it might sound crazy, but that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and follow me wherever I went. I remember feeling like a day like this would never happen to me, to have someone I love love me back and mean it. Even our first date, I could tell there was something there. We both ended up at the UPO concert and sat in the back. For some reason this one was being held in Ruby Diamond and we sat on the back row in the center. He was originally sitting somewhere else and then came and sat with me. I was sitting there the entire time wishing he would ask me out and he sat there the entire time thinking of a way to ask me out. Then the concert was over...no asking out...then as we were walking out he said "you want to go get some coffee or something?" I remember exactly what I was wearing...brown capris and a little redish tank-top with my hair pulled back with a scarf. He looked adorable in his jeans and chuck taylors. We walked down to All Saints Coffee shop and talked for hours. I called my mom promptly the next morning and told her I had been on a date with someone who was going to be around for quite some time.
My dad used to leave me messages of Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again." He'd say "Well Hello Nina Nina Nina..." I miss it like crazy but it makes me happy to think about those days that I would get those messages. Another thing that used to make me smile was my dad's laugh and his silly voice. One time he called Connor, my dog, Boon Boon...Hell I miss him.
Ok...So now I need a really happy story to pop me up out of the previous one...Oh. Sometimes I get really happy when I see how fat some of the girls who were mean to me have become. I know that is really mean of me and superficial but it really makes my day to see them all gross looking and working miserable jobs. That is mean. I might be going to hell for that.
This is a recent Kevin story that makes me smile...According to some very reliable sources, Kevin is saving up for an engagement ring. :) But here is the cute story that puts a smile on my face. I was having a rough day and really upset a few weeks ago and Kevin had had his kids watch Mary Poppins...So as I was feeling all down and out Kevin started singing "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down! The medicine go doooown the medicine go down!" It was the cutest thing I have ever heard in my life.
Another really happy time I remember were those summers spent on the beach. We'd spend all day going back and forth from the beach to the pool without a care in the world. Maybe God let us have that time of comfort and carelessness as children because he knew what was coming...
Another great day was the day I got my violin with my Dad. Going violin shopping became the ultimate father/daughter activity around my junior year of high school. We went all over the place. I must have played hundreds of violins and the found one that not everyone liked...but I did. I think it was truly one of the first decisions I made that was purely my own. I went with what I liked not with what my teacher liked. I still have that violin and it has done me just fine...just fine :) Thanks Dad!
Oh! Another really happy time was when mom and I went on our college search. Our favorite place was Wheaton...too bad the teacher was a whack job. We ate at a Carrabba's and stayed at a cute little place. There is a picture of my with my Wheaton sweatshirt on and my hair all long that I feel captures me perfectly at 18. Content. Happy with my search. Happy in my family, just glad to be with my mom and wondering how I was ever going to go far away from my nucleus.
Another day that sticks out to me is the day Bronwyn and I went on a school field trip together to somewhere out in Dallas, GA and realized that we were going to be best friends. She had kind of hated me! Haha. She tells this story much better. Then we took this little road trip for Ms. Paul's history class and the rest is history. I also would put any trip to St. George with the Averetts up there on the happy list. Good times.

So here are some of my favorite memories that make me giggle:

Hearing Francis Marlow say at a joint Nina/Cason birthday party "they are rocks that turn into jewels."
When my dad gave up trips to Paris for our tenth birthdays.
Going to Paris with my mom.
Getting that sunflower playhouse kit from Brittany DeJarnett.
Finding out I got into FSU
Graduating from FSU
Dating Kevin Ray, meeting Kevin Ray, moving in with Kevin Ray...pretty much everything Kevin Ray
Hearing Ruth Allen Cantrell say in my backyard when we we maybe 10 "I'm too cool for bugspray."
When my dad said "Ruuuuuuuuuuug"
When Bonnie said "Nina! I don't know how to use the subway! I have to ask the vagrants which way to go!"
Going to Wisconsin and staying with Bronwyn
Having ladies lunches with Cason
Hearing Cason on the Christmas video say "Nina...Nina will you go make me a cake over there" and "Momma look at my orange"
Or when Cason told Dad not to get me in the picture because I had just hit her over the head for stealing my Gak.
The day we went shopping at Nordstrom and the credit card company called my dad because of all the rescent and rapid activity on the credit card.
Telling Cason that I was coming to see her in her first beauty pageant.
Stepping off the plane when I came home from London
Saturday mornings in the Bledsoe house meant playing barbies with Cason at 6 am and Dad and mom cooking really good breakfast with biscuits and gravy or pancakes. Sometimes we got to have candy bars and cokes.
Going to the Varsity in a limo for a celebration. I had a pink and yellow umbrella.
Sticking my tongue out in any picture taken of me pre high school..oh who am I kidding I still make faces in pictures.
The feel of 1230 Cliffpine. Sometimes I remember things about that house and our life there and think what a great life it was.
When that lady came and painted flowers on mine and Winters beds.

Sigh....I feel better. I'll be alright.

2008-10-12T10:40:00.001-04:00

Adult things.
This morning I did one of my favorite things. Paid bills. Don't you just love paying bills? I know I do.

Some days I have really good days. Others I don't. I'm not sure what today is. I want it to be a good day. So, I will make it one.

Here goes...

2008-10-12T09:21:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I spent the day out and about. I had brunch outside and then walked down to the Betsey Johnson store and tried on a lot of dresses. I found one that I really loved. It was very different from anything else I have and fit like a glove. However, it costs over $300. It was so pretty though. The dress was green velvet with antique style lace on the cap sleeves and in a big V that went down the back of it. The description cannot do it justice. I cannot find it online, but I found this one which is similar. The green one goes just below the knee and have a different color lace and bow.

Betsey Johnson
	Romantic Silk Velvet Short Slip Dress 100% Silk VelvetDry Clean OnlyImported

The girl at the store is holding it for me, but I can't spend $300 on a dress at the moment.

I was talking with Kevin last night and realized that I am pretty much all over the place. I'm like a pin ball machine a lot of the time. I've made up my mind to come home...now what?

Sometimes, I don't think I want to do anything. I wish I could just laze about and not have to worry about a thing. I know that is not how it works, but sometimes you want to impossible, huh?

2008-10-10T08:29:00.003-04:00

I hate it when people say things like "God moved me here" or "God told me to do this"
I doubt that.
For instance I read something today that said "God moved me...." to somewhere and I wanted to post and say I doubt that. Really?
God and her magic fairy dust sprinkled all over you and suddenly you got moved from GA to the other side of the country?
That is amazing. Wow? Really?
Ok God...its time to sprinkle some fairy dust on me...
Damn...I'm still here.
Wait....just got a message from God...oh nope...sorry that was the idiot outside near the elevator.
Really people? Really?

2008-10-10T08:14:00.002-04:00

Home. I am going home.
I am so excited. Once I decided I needed to do this for myself a weight of a thousand pounds was lifted. I picked up my forms and everything and talked to the registrar. So, now all I have to do is wait it out and enjoy the time I am here, which can be done now that I know what I am doing.
My support system are the most important people to me in the world. There is nothing more important than they are. Last night I was on the phone with my best friend and she said that she knew that I would happy doing just about anything as long as I was with my support. She said she knew that I would go, heal where I need to, and then pursue music in a different way than I am now. She made a good point. My playing got the best when I was with Kevin and the semester Cason came to FSU. A coincidence? No! I was happy! Just knowing that I was with and around the people who love me gave me creativity, gave me the confidence to be a musician.
The other night on the phone Kevin even suggested that maybe I wouldn't want to quit if I was at home just playing music with him instead of being in this horrible environment. He is right.
Last night another friend and I were talking about the meaning of success. What is success? I feel like so many musicians have a skewed and narrow view and end up highly disappointed at the end. My views of success have changed also, which has broadened my range of happiness and fulfillment. When I do go back to get my masters in music, it will be for me, because I want to, because it is the right time and the right environment.
I want to go somewhere more academic where I have to research and find things out for myself. I've even considered doing the education thing just so I could do research and get a doctorate. Musicians are fascinating people. The psychological issues that swirl around musicians are also very interesting.
So, for you people out there worried that I am walking away from music...don't worry. It cannot be done. Just trust me on this one. Ok? I know what I am doing. The music business is too horrible and rough to not be nice to yourself. That is all I am doing and it feels right.

2008-10-09T12:18:00.004-04:00

New books.
I finished my other book earlier in the week and have found reading to be one of the best coping mechanisms here. To be honest, I was never much of a reader growing up. In the first grade I had a traumatic experience which turned me against reading. It was in 1991. I was looking through the 3rd and 4th grade level books of the library and picked up a big chapter book to read. Our librarian saw me standing in this section and came over to me and told me that book was too difficult for me and tried to point me in the direction of the first grade level books. However, what she didn't know was that my reading comprehension was that of a 3rd or 4th grader, I was tired of those little kids books. She completely broke my confidence and honestly, I never recovered.
If she knew the damage she had done to me, I think she would be the one with the broken confidence. She would be horrified if she knew.
I chose a chic-lit book and a classic. I've decided that it is time for me to read some classic literature.

Penguins fly south after swimming off course - 08 Oct 2008 - NZ Herald: International and World News

2008-10-08T08:37:00.003-04:00

Penguins fly south after swimming off course - 08 Oct 2008 - NZ Herald: International and World News

Posted using ShareThis

OH my! Poor penguins!
This is our fault. Global warming. The saddest thing is that we have the resources to fix it and to change our energy sources, but people are too selfish to do it! It makes me sad. I try to do things to help out in little ways, but if everyone would do little things it would make a big impact.
If McPalin gets elected we might as well just buy our tickets to hell. Just send me straight there, oh wait...I will be there if they are in office.

In other news:
The last straw was had. MSM had their last chance to convince me that this was the right place to be, and once again. They failed miserably. Here's the rub, disorganization and ridiculousness is one thing when it is in a job situation. In life you have to put up with a lot of things and a lot of mistakes. You roll with the punches. However, I am inclined to think that you shouldn't have to pay close to $50,000 a year to roll with the punches or get screwed over by your institution. This place is just a business. A poorly run business. It is like I am investing in the stock market and getting no returns. So, what am I going to do? Get my money out and invest somewhere else. Unbelievable.
I will tell anyone the story, but feel a little strange posting it because you never know who is going to read this.

2008-10-07T08:48:00.007-04:00

I've been searching for a black bag for a long time. One that holds all of my stuff and looks nice. Well, last night, I was in Barnes and Noble and spotted the new Vera Bradley in Barnes and Noble display and saw the cutest pattern ever. At first I wanted some kind of pretty designer bag, but you know, that doesn't mean much to me. I really like Vera. This pattern is called Night Owl. It is the cutest, so I ordered a bag in that pattern. Yay! If I am going to pay for a pretty black bag I want to love it and have it be very functional. Isn't the pattern cute? When you look closely you can see the little owls. Oh my! Cute.

I am feeling much better today. I talked with my teacher and we came up with a plan for the rest of the semester. However, she did agree that I have a huge decision to make this semester. We talked about the music business and what a strange business it is. I told her about my other thoughts about being a financial planner or a lawyer and she agreed it was a good idea. She also encouraged the public school teacher idea. She said her father was a public school teacher.
She also encouraged the law school idea and told me about a very talented former student of hers who decided to go into law instead and has had a very happy stable life.

I think another question, being 23 almost 24, unemployed as a musician and in one of the most expensive schools in the country...how important is it to me to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am secure? Secure in whatever meaning of the word you want, financially, emotionally, spiritually...This is my question of the semester...not am I quitting music or am I going to persevere or whatnot.
What makes me happy?
What is important to me?
How can I make that happen?
I've been thinking a lot about it, but not obsessing over it like I was doing earlier. I feel that things will fall in place the way they are supposed to and that I will be OK no matter what I decide to do as my career. I just need to make the most of my time here, which I plan to do. My teacher and I decided that I should work on something that I am already confident about. So, we chose Mozart Concerto No. 5. I played it for my FSU auditions when I was a senior in high school. I felt really good about it. Another reason we chose it was to help heal some of the wounds inflicted on me by the teacher that taught it to me when I was in high school. Although my high school teacher was very nice and influential in my life he did some serious damage to my confidence and just me in general. I appreciate my current teacher's desire to help me work on that and get better at the same time.

The South

2008-10-05T10:02:00.002-04:00

Paula Dean is fixing fried macaroni and cheese. Haha. That's hilarious. I wouldn't eat it, but it is very funny to think about. She looks really excited about this fried mac and cheese. It's just nice to hear someone say y'all other than me and Bonnie.

2008-10-04T22:03:00.002-04:00

"Remember, it is ALL an adventure." -B. Newdome

I used to have this philosophy that a situation is what you make it.
I'm wondering if maybe this week, my goal shouldn't be to just live day by day, because I clearly do not know how to properly do this. Maybe my goal should be to shift my mindset from what can this school give to me, to what could I do at this school and what could I do for the school?
One of my arguments for a bad environment is the morale of the students, the staunch conservatory feel and the way the program is set up. However, if there weren't people like me who didn't want to be the next soloist, or want to gouge the next violinists eyes out for an orchestral position, where would this school go? I mean, it could almost sink down into the Hudson river already, but what if there was no me here? What if there was no person who wanted to teach or who wanted to do something maybe slightly more creative and intellectual than the average bear?
Nothing would ever change. Not that I am the answer to some great change that is going to take place, but who knows what I could learn from this. Everything that has come to me in life has in some way helped someone else at one point or another. I don't want to miss an opportunity to do learn something else.
Honestly, I play at a level that only needs tweaking, I know what I like, and I know how to fix mistakes...so why have I let this place get to me? So I am a little burned out? Everyone hits plateaus. Kevin said something tonight that sparked a new light bulb in my head. He said a lot of times people hit walls when they go back to school. Maybe that is what this is. He suggested that I need to figure out if it is a wall or if it is the end of the road (my words not his concerning a career in music).
My first step towards a new outlook on my current situation is to talk to my teacher and be honest.
The other thing to do is do research on what other types of jobs are available. What other thing can I tack on or add or do to create a Nina job?
In one sense, the best thing I could do would be to become a teacher to instill the opposite of the mindset that is bred here. Maybe that would make it worth the loans and what not.
Kevin also said something else that was very helpful, he said that I shouldn't focus too much on what might be coming or what will be, but what is now.
My mom has also said the same thing and I am really grateful.
I feel the cloud of discouragement and of confusion beginning to lift, even though it is still hazy. Maybe I should just stick it out flaws and all...not as some character building exercise, which god knows I have had plenty, but stick it out because it is important for me to have a masters degree. Maybe the environment has more to do with my own personal aura than the schools. I have the power to overpower the jet black aura of MSM with a different beautiful bright color of my own. (Please forgive the new-age-i-ness of that previous sentence or two). If I believe what I preach...shouldn't I be able to prosper anywhere?
I hate asking these questions on a blog as if I am stupid f#@king Carrie Bradshaw from that inane show "Sex and The City," but I leave them out there anyway.

2008-10-04T08:51:00.004-04:00

Orchestral Musician Job Satisfaction

And yet another article proving my point: Orchestra Members are Unhappy People

And my all time favorite: Orchestra Musicians Rank their Job Below PRISON EMPLOYEEES! in the New York Times, research done at Harvard.

Now, this morning I woke up with a much better look on life. It is sunnier here, which truly makes a difference, and I had good conversations with both my mom and Kevin last night.
Although, I have not made any decisions yet, just the thought of other possibilities has already improved my morale. I point these articles out because I feel like I have to prove something...that I am not insane and turning on something that I love(d).
In the article in the NY Times, they state that string quartet members rank their jobs up at the very top in job satisfaction. I believe it. Do you know how many professional string quartets there are in the country? I looked it up. There are quite a few actually, about a page of them. Do you know how many of them actually make enough money to live on and have regular performance opportunities? From the ones on the list I could come up with less than TEN!
Here is my other concern: the life of a free lance musician.

no health insurance
live gig to gig, which is fun in your twenties, but how will you feel when you hit that over 35 mark and you are still playing in 4-5 regional orchestras, playing weddings, and teaching the occasional child?
small orchestras are constantly going under, if we haven't noticed we are in a financial meltdown...who do you think is the first to get cut? Doctors?
Starting salaries for small orchestras range from $14,000-$20,000 a year
Considering that most students take out in between $45,000 - $200,000 in loans for their degrees in music, $14,000 scares me.
There are about a million violinists and at the moment, currently TODAY there are 33 job openings WORLD WIDE! ( http://www.musicalchairs.info/OrchJobsUSNavEnglish.htm)

Lawyer Pay Scale Lawyers have mixed job satisfaction click here

Reasons I would be a lawyer:

Intellectual challenge
Help people
Represent someone or some group for a good cause (like musicians or educators)
New challenges every case

2008-10-03T18:58:00.001-04:00

I just practiced and didn't throw my violin. Yay me.

2008-10-03T14:35:00.002-04:00

Every time I want to smash my violin up against the wall, which is pretty much all the time, I do LSAT quizzes and work on logic strategies. I think I am going to register to take the LSAT in February and then try again in June to improve my score and see what I need to work on.
Here's the deal.
Violin has been my life. I have poured so much time into it. There comes a point when you do a little too much and reach the edge of insanity and hatred. There is a fine line between love and hate. That is why everything should be in moderation. I am burned out!
I have no problem focusing my attention on reading or writing or even figuring out little problems. My problem is that I cannot do that on violin anymore. For the past 14 years of my life it is all I have done and I cannot do it any longer. It is something that I loved that now I hate and I hate THAT!
I want to love it. I just cannot do it. I would love to play in some rinky-dink low pressure community orchestra, play wedding gigs, and maybe teach some lessons on the side. I cannot eat and breathe it. That is what it takes at this level. I am not willing to do that. I can focus my attention like that on other things because they are NOT close to my heart.
Somethings are too close to your heart to put yourself through this kind of pain. Violin used to be close to my heart and I hate what the music profession and music school has done to me. I curse it. I would rather be a jaded lawyer or financial adviser who comes to work everyday from 9-5 than play in a disgruntled orchestra and constantly have someone breathing down my throat about my performance in music.
I can handle it when it is something not close to me, but please. That is the reason people. Read it and get over it. Accept it. If I don't want to hate music entirely I must put it down. I don't know for how long...but I must.

New a.m. Routine

2008-10-03T09:00:00.002-04:00

Kevin wakes me up almost every morning. It is nice to start the day hearing his voice.
After stumbling out of bed I make coffee. This morning, as a special treat, I had to make my coffee with no filter. I used a paper towel instead. Do you really think I'm going to stagger down to cafeteria and get some coffee down there? I think not.
After I make the coffee, I eat my Special K and check my email. Then, the best part: I watch the previous night's episodes of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report." After all this liberal hilarious media, I do yoga and then do what I need to for school.
Aren't you glad you know what I do in the mornings?
Here are my goals for the day:

Do yoga.
Practice at least 20 minutes. (You think I'm kidding...but I am not)
Go to class (Theory...oh my...)
Buy coffee filters
Explore a new street.
I think I need to go to a museum...I am in need of inspiration
Mail my absentee ballot (YAY Obama)

What The?!

2008-10-02T08:31:00.005-04:00

So.
This hugenormous test I have today has quite a few medieval musical examples. I just found out, at 10:00 last night that the recordings are online. No one told me this. Our professor didn't say this. Who knew MSM was organized enough to have a library page with the entire Norton Anthology online.
What the?!
I have to study even more this morning. What the?!
Thank goodness that it isn't gray outside today. I hope it stays pretty because the gray weather is super depressing.
I had a funny thought of song last night. You know in Grease when Frenchie drops out of high school to goes to beauty school and they sing that song "Beauty School Drop Out"? Well...Here is my version my words are in italics:

Your story sad to tell,

A twenties ne'er do well,
Most mixed up non-delinquent on the block!
Your future's so unclear now,
What's left of your career now?
Can't even get a trade in on your smile!

Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala...)

MSM dropout,
No graduation day for you.
MSM dropout,
Missed your midterms and hate piano!
Well at least you could have taken time, to wash and clean
ur clothes up,
After spending all that dough to have the doctor fix your nose
up!

Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you proving (What are you provin)?
You've got the dream but not the drive.

If you go for your diploma, you could join a steno pool.
Turn in your violin and go get in Law School!

MSM dropout (Music school dropout),
Hanging around the corner store.
MSM dropout (Music school dropout),
It's about time you knew the score.

Well they couldn't teach you anything,
You think you're such a looker,
But no customer would go to you unless she was a hooker!

Baby don't sweat it (Don't sweat it),
You don't want an orchestral job
Better forget it (Forget it),
Who wants their kid taught by a snob?

Now your bangs are curled, your lashes whirled, but still the
world is cruel.
Wipe off that angel face and go get in Law School!

Baby don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Baby you know it,
Even Dear Abby'd say the same!

Now I've called the shot, get off the block, I really gotta
fly!
Gotta be going to that, malt shop, in the sky!

MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School
MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School
MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School

Suzy Sad Face

2008-10-01T16:42:00.003-04:00

My favorite mug shattered today.

$$$$$$$$

2008-10-01T15:12:00.002-04:00

How much is a masters degree worth?
Kevin thinks I am burned out. I would have to agree. Every time I come up with some something or another to convince myself that I am really liking this, I run into some kind of block.
What is puzzling me is, am I the block?
Have I ever learned to make the most out of a situation?
Have I ever learned to stick things out?
Have I ever learned to be happy where I am?
The answer to all these questions is yes. Yes I have, so why do I still feel so gross about being here?
Here are some other questions that bebop around my brain.
Is studying with my teacher here worth it?
Is the education I am receiving worth the money I have poured into it?
I am trying so hard to take each day as it comes and appreciate it for what it is, but I find myself right back in the same spot at the end of the day. Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough.
A friend yesterday asked me if it was because I am homesick. Well, yes that does play a role. She said that she couldn't judge a place by only being there 5-6 weeks. I disagree.
Maybe something will happen between now and Thanksgiving that will completely change my life and open my eyes to the wonder and beauty of being a graduate student.
So, ok MSM...show me your stuff...your best...or I am out of here.

Oh Yes

2008-10-01T08:47:00.003-04:00

I also forgot to add these pics. I never take pictures of my bow.
Only my violin. Well. No longer.

Nina, Nina, Nina

2008-10-01T08:23:00.002-04:00

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. I could barely sleep. I kept waking up and checking the time. I was hot. I was cold. I was uncomfortable. I was breathing too loud. I had way too much caffeine yesterday and I paid for it. Oops.
There is a big test tomorrow in history so I thought I would try to keep myself up. Well, I did, but way past the point of up for studying time.
Here's the other thing. I was reading my little novel and got so excited about what was happening that I jumped to the last few pages and read the ending. Oops.
I wanted to know what happens!!! Now I do, but I don't know how they get there. So, I will finish the book and see how it all unfolds.

The other weird thing that happened was I woke up in a daze and thought that I was back in my room in Marietta and that my dad was cutting the grass. I thought I could hear it.
Too bad my room in Marietta ended up being my dorm room in NY and my Dad cutting the grass in the backyard ended up being some custodian vacuuming the hallway.

Oh well.

I hate it when that happens. Sometimes, I get this feeling like I am back in Tallahassee and that Kevin and I will be going to share a chicken burrito at On the Border and then go back home to snuggle on the couch and watch Seinfeld for 8 hours. I miss that life.

I really need to do my yoga burn dvd. It looks like smoggy pea soup outside, so I think park walking is out for the morning. Yuck.

Money Under the Mattress

2008-09-30T08:35:00.003-04:00

Doesn't sound like such a bad idea at the moment does it?
This whole financial crises has me a tad freaked out. I've really considered getting another undergraduate degree in finance. Lord. What a scary time.
Kevin says there are gas shortages in GA. He says the lines wrap around the gas station into the traffic in the streets. He said he went into UPS to mail something to me yesterday and as he got there a gas tanker truck pulled in to a nearby gas station. By the time he came out of the gas station the people were peeling the numbers off the sign and turning people away.
Scary.
These financial times are very scary for me considering my profession and the fact that I am currently taking out student loans. Luckily, I am with BOA and they are the largest bank in America. However, a lot of banks are discontinuing their student loans.
Scary.
Well, what can we do? I do not know.
On another note, I've started reading a new book. I really like it so far. I'd never heard of it before, but it looked interesting. It is Names My Sisters Call Me by Megan Crane. It is about three sisters who lost their father and only have the women in their family. The main character, the youngest sister, Courtney has just gotten engaged and is trying to reunite the three sisters together. The middle sister Raine, the wild child, ruined Norah's, the oldest sister, wedding. Courtney is on a hunt for Raine and tries to piece the sisters back together.
The sister relationships is so funny. I see bits and pieces of my sisters in each of them. The funniest parts are that Courtney is a professional cellist, she just got engaged, and there is a character named Bronwyn.
Ok, let's look at the parallels. I am a violinist, Kevin and I are talking about getting engaged, and my best friend's name is Bronwyn and I have three sisters, lost my dad, and yes.
Woah.
I really like it so far. It is a good read to get my mind off my own life.

No Offense, But Self...Get a Grip

2008-09-29T08:17:00.002-04:00

Major breakdown this weekend. I mean major. One of those mid 20's life crises kind of break downs. Poor Mom and Kevin had to piece me back together.
Here's the thing: I am not happy. Not here. This could be for a laundry list of reasons. I have only been here 5 weeks, (and counting...please), I am far away from home, this school is expensive, unorganized, and frankly just plain weird. I feel like I am getting another undergrad degree. However, there are good things here too. I like my teacher, I like my chamber group, and I like my friends. Is that enough to stay? I mean, do I really want to leave and then start the whole process again? Looking for a new school is exhausting. Auditioning is exhausting, but I could go back to FSU. I could try my hand right now at freelancing and teaching private students. Who knows. I could try again for next year...or even wait until Kevin is ready to do his masters and then us go together.
Kevin gave me good advice. He said that I shouldn't make a decision based on all these things about money or whether I am a quitter or all these other factors I seem to make things about. He said do it for myself. Am I happy? Do I like MSM? He said it is my life. I know this is stupid, but I hadn't come around that corner. It isn't about me disappointing people or myself. This is my life and I can do with it what I please.
Mom also gave me really good advice. She says give it until Winter break, then I will know for sure. She says I haven't been here long enough yet. I agree.
Let me just talk this out.
I know after having this meltdown that I definitely want to do music.
I know that I love violin and that I am a good teacher.
I know that I do want a masters degree, no matter how painful the process.
I know that even though I have loans I will be OK if I decide to stay.
I know I have a lot of options.
I know that if I can just get through the year the summer will be here and then I would be 1/2 way finished with this degree.
I know there are other programs out there and that I can do with my life what I please.

Kevin and Mom also said some things that made me feel better and shifted my mindset. They both in different ways told me that I don't have to prove that I am tough by staying here if I am unhappy. How dumb would that be? Sometimes I tie all these other factors into decisions and don't look at the core. I make things about other things.

Mom said to take it one day at a time. I guess that is what I need to do.
Maybe I should go talk to the career people here.
I'm realizing that it has nothing to do with the school you go to, but what you do with yourself.
I wish I could be a chamber musician and just toodle around playing with my friends and getting paid. Why doesn't Matthew live near me? Why can't Edward be just around the corner?

Here are some of my ideas:

Stay here on the performance and education track (graduate 2011)
Stay here and only do the performance degree (graduate 2010)
Stay here, do the performance degree then go wherever Kevin wants to go and get my Ph.d. (graduate 2010 with more schooling ahead)
Leave. Go home. Start up students and some job and then go with Kevin to where he wants to go and get a different masters degree. (no graduation)
Leave. Go back to FSU, gig, teach and get a degree in Finance. (no graduation from here)
Stay here, find an apartment and a job and just take lessons with Laurie.
Drop down to a performance certificate and be finished this year then look elsewhere for a different program that is more my style.
Stay and try to do as many things as possible, like take viola.
Calm down and take it day by day.

No offense self, but I think the last one is the best choice.

No Subject

2008-09-27T09:41:00.003-04:00

Well, today I went to Ratemyprofessor.com and looked for my Dad's rating. It always gives me a laugh. You can click here to read them:

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/

They are funny to me because they basically say that he was a fantastic teacher, really hard, but willing to help. Oh Dad. I also find if funny that his score on the hottness scale was a zero. Dad was so cute, but I don't think that he was the studly professor-type in the eyes of his students.
Speaking of Dad. I really want a new computer. It is hard having this computer. It was his. I cannot bring myself to delete some of the files and there are his pictures. I really want a macbook. Brian, Kevito's brother, can get me a discount. That may have to be my Merry Christmas self present.
Last night I watched a couple of episodes of Sex and the City. I'm not going to lie, it isn't my favorite show. I prefer things like Family Guy and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Boy shows. Sometimes I think that I must have been a boy in some past life. Hmm. Interesting thought. Maybe I was. Who knows?
Oh!! HAHAH!!!! Ok, Curb fans will know what I am talking about, but others won't. There is this episode where Larry needs to drink a lot of water and he takes his bottle of water with him everywhere. He tries to take it into this movie theater and a woman at the door tells him that he can't, that there is no food or drink in the theater including water. So, heehee, he throws out his water bottle and goes into the theater. The woman who told him that is sitting in the theater. So, Larry asks her if she works there and she says no. Larry gets mad and says why did you make me throw out the water, and the woman says "It is the rules." They get into a fight and Larry accusses her of being like a student in a classroom that says "Teacher! Teacher! you forgot to give us homework, give us homework!"
No joke. There is a girl like this in one of my classes. She is always pointing things out. For instance, the professor will forget to take up the homework, or forget that he has passed things out and said things. This girl, is always like "teacher...teacher!!!! and correcting him." She is SOOOOOOOO obnoxious.
Oh well. One day I want to tell her to shut up. Maybe I will. Mwhahahahaaa!

Rain...

2008-09-26T09:01:00.003-04:00

It is raining.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I am going to pull on my rain boots and and go outside. Well, I need to. It isn't like I am just bebopping all over the place in the rain for no reason.
This is very exciting. I've been waiting for a rainy day for weeks! Hoorah!
I have absolutely no desire to go to class today. None. Nada. Zip. I mean, I'm going to go, but I don't want to.
My lesson last night was interesting. I did feel good about getting through the entire first movement and being told I could move on to the 2nd and start another piece. Praise Jeebus.
Here I go to stomp in the rain. Yeah!

Slow Day

2008-09-25T12:59:00.007-04:00

Violin, Me, Book...Slow Day

The past two days have gone by like a turtle race. Sometimes time flies by, then other times, like today it is as if the hours are going backwards and then repeating themselves. I've been trying to practice all morning. I did an hour of yoga with Rodney Yee, I've watched five episodes of Family GUy, practiced these same parts in the Prokofiev over and over again. I really need a new piece. I cannot handle just working on one. I am going out of my mind.
My morning class got canceled, which is fine, but that class always speeds up the day. Teaching techniques starts at 2:00 and it seems to not be coming ever. Tonight at 6 I have a lesson and then am going out to eat with Sarah and friends for her birthday! Yay birthdays.
I know that as soon as I have my lesson I will feel so much better. I always feel better after a lesson. Ok. Here I go back to practice some more.

Kind To Myself Day

2008-09-24T16:10:00.003-04:00

Redecorated Room Over the Weekend

Today is be kind to myself day. I only have one class on Wednesdays. Piano. Lord. Today, this girl who bobs and weaves as she plays beginning piano pieces, came in really sick. She sneezed and breathed all over everything and everyone. The room was stuffy and here she was infecting everyone. I've been popping my immune system vitamins like there is no tomorrow.
So, it was decided. It is be kind to myself day. My friend's birthday is tomorrow and I went out to get her present today and on the way I popped in for a pedicure. My feet were so gross. I wore broken down flip flops in Aspen and here and it made my feet look and feel awful. So, I got those cleaned up. Then, when I got back my shoes had arrived and so had Winter and Kevin's Christmas presents! Yay!
Since I got back I've been laying low, drinking a nice cup of tea, watching Curb. It is amazing. I also booked a flight to go see Kevin in October. I just can't wait until Thanksgiving. Luckily, Mom and Cason are coming soon to break up this giant chunk of time. The weekend after they leave I am going to be with Kevin for a really laid back weekend in the ATL. I can't wait to see him. I miss him so much.
For your viewing pleasure I've included pictures of my new shooties, my recently pedicured feet, my phone I got earlier this month, and I don't know. We'll just have to see. Enjoy!

Tax Forms

2008-09-24T08:21:00.003-04:00

Why are filling out tax forms such a hassle? All the instructions say to flip this sheet over, fill out this box, then transfer that box to the front page and so on and so forth.
Eww. I don't like doing it. Oh well. C'est la vie.
I only have one class on Wednesdays, which is so nice. I can't stand the class, but that is beside the point. I should have tested out, but no, I missed a few fingerings in my piano scale and got placed in the 3rd semester of required piano. LAME.
Oh well. Oh well. Oh well.
I think today is a Yoga Burn day. I try not to do the same exercise each day. I like to mix it up. Did I write about decorating my room?
If I did, get over it. I am again. I decorated my room so it looks a little less like a hospital wing and more like a room someone lives in. I put up pictures and hung up my scarves. The color on the walls make the room look so much nicer.
This morning, Kevin called. Having to wait until November to see him is outrageous. So, I am looking for a reasonable flight to Atlanta in October. I don't care if I miss a class or two. I need to see Kevito.

Teaching

2008-09-23T16:55:00.002-04:00

So, I fixed that little situation from yesterday. Mom and I talked about how if you want something done you have to do it yourself. This new schedule I have is going to work out so much better for me anyways. I was able to switch a class section with my aural skills teacher so I could teach in the afternoon. It was so easy. So, now I am a violin teacher at a school in East Harlem. Yay!
NYC teaching experience is invaluable. There was NO way that I was going to miss out on this opportunity. I would really like 2 years of experience instead of just one. Now I can write my personal statement for Columbia in the fall and actually have teaching experience to write about. PHHHEEEEW!
Now I get to come up with kiddie violin things! Yay!
Also, my friend Jessica has agreed to do some head shots for me at Christmas.
In other news, but news related to teaching, I am going to Indiana for a week this summer for a teacher's retreat. I'm really excited about it. Kevin and I can go together, which will be really nice. I'm hoping just to chill out this summer since next summer I will be in summer school at Columbia.
tonight, my trio has our first coaching. We'll see how that goes.

Furious.

2008-09-22T14:37:00.003-04:00

I am furious right now. Absolutely irate.
I have no idea how this school even functions. Well, you know what? I've had enough. You think I'm going to pay this much money to be here? Have it this unorganized and them expect me to be excited about it? Hell. No.
So, here's what has happened. My schedule has changed so many times, thanks to the orchestra department and the registrars office that I got booted over for teaching opportunities which is REQUIRED FOR MY 2nd DEGREE. So, instead of the office calling me and saying, we have a conflict with this time, could you try to work it out since you have to have this experience for your degree. They don't tell me anything. If I hadn't gone in just a few minutes ago, I would not have known. You know why? Because this school is run by a bunch of baboon asses. I am so mad right now. My blood is boiling. Well, you know what? I've already started making contacts somewhere else. That's right. Forget this. You think I'm going to spend anymore time here than I need to? Are you kidding me? Well...They said I could get my hours in next year. Ok, that's great. What about that application I have to fill out and that personal essay I have to write about my TEACHING experiences at MSM. Oh, that's right. I have to start doing that next year. How can I write about teaching experiences I don't HAVE!
This place...I cannot even understand it.

Like my sister...

2008-09-21T08:55:00.002-04:00

I have trouble hearing songs my Dad loved. One day in Aspen I was in City Market when all the sudden out of nowhere "Tennessee Waltz" came on. Dad taught that song to me by ear and then would have me play it for him all the time. It is actually one of the songs I played for him the last time I ever saw him. Kevin and I played for him and his family. Dad cried the entire time. I played Tennessee Waltz, Amazing Grace, and may have played Rocky Top or some other songs that were special to him, but those two were the one that killed me. Watching his eyes fill up with tears as he listened to me play, made me know I was losing him.
When we had to leave the next day, I begged him to let me stay longer. I had to be back in Atlanta to pick something up from a violin shop, but I felt like I just wanted to stay with my dad. He had already gotten a little, I don't even know the correct word, by then. He said I could stay if I wanted, but that he had things to do. He didn't seem 100% anxious for me to stay. I cried all the way home from Dalton to Atlanta. Kevin was so sweet to me in the car. My gut told me that I would never see him again. As we drove away from his house I remember feeling so lost, so sad, so angry that this sickness was taking my Dad from me. While we were with him he kept talking about how awful he looked, he barely touched his food, he hugged us a lot, and he showed us places in Dalton and told us stories he had never told us before. He took us to the primitive Baptist Church and told us these hell fire and brimstone stories about being scared to go to the front. I can still here his voice singing "Sweetly and Softly Jesus is calling." It was chilling. Still is.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Miss him and wonder if there was anything I could have done better. Sometimes I wonder, if I had just stayed with him that afternoon...would that have made things better? The answer I know is no. By the end he didn't want us to see him. I think it was easier for him that way. I told him I was coming to stay and be with him the weekend of April 20 something. He told me not to come. He said I could if I wanted, but he had things to do. I remember having my feelings so hurt by that and even telling a friend about it. I had no idea what would happen not even weeks later. How could I have?

A Shift in Mindset

2008-09-20T09:40:00.003-04:00

This blog could be permanently changed to "stories from the 1 train in NYC." There could be hundreds of stories, one from each time a new stop is made. People watching on the subway alone could give any writer years of material. However, it is those personal interactions or personal experiences that make the stories even more interesting.
Recently, I've become increasingly aware at how most people do not think of others before themselves. Most people do not consider who is sitting or standing next to them in a class, on the subway, or in the elevator. For instance, yesterday a teacher asked a student in the class to open a window. The window does not open more than about 4-6 inches. This teacher then proceeded to tell the class why there were blocks on all the windows in the school and the dorm. Apparently a few years ago a girl jumped and killed herself in the dorm. Without thinking that maybe there were students in his class affected by suicide, this teacher proceeded to talk about how horrible suicide is. He talked of how selfish it is and how it is a "long term solution to short term problems." This interaction with this teacher made me realize how oblivious and closed minded people are. Yes, suicide is selfish, but not all suicide happens due to short term problems. I felt like asking him: "Sir, do you know what Hospice is? Have you ever heard of terminal illnesses? Have you ever talked to a medical professional about suicide?" Not all suicides can be lumped into a category. Nothing life related lumped into one category. This teacher/class discussion led me to see even further how oblivious people are to who is around them.
Not even four hours later something else happened that proved the oblivion of the average human again. This time it was on the 1 train.
My friend and I had popped down to Macy's on 34th and I left early. I needed to get back and practice, so I jumped on the subway and headed towards home. I waited for the second train because the first one was full and I knew there would be another one shortly with seats. (If you are ever in NY and it is rush hour...wait for the next train. It is usually less crowded. They generally send two.) So, I nabbed a seat and sat patiently. The trains usually get more and more crowded around 42nd St. We must have been at Columbus Circle when an old woman and her 20-30 year old daughter got on. There was standing room only. I noticed that the daughter was having a hard time. She didn't seem to understand that she needed to hold on the pole so she wouldn't fall. Apparently no one else noticed. I locked eyes with the daughter and she gave this bewildered look and I stood up and gave her my seat. I'm not sure what type of retardation she has, but she broke my heart. He mom, so patient, so kind and loving, saw what happened and thanked me profusely. She told me that her daughter had just been diagnosed with arthritis and was "limpy." The mothers eyes told me the rest of the story. She stood there guarding her daughter as she sat without saying a word chewing on her my little pony's foot. She would stroke the dolls hair and look around. No one in the subway seemed to notice or care. Occassionaly the daughter would lift her hand up for her mom to hold and she did. The mom continued to thank me when she got off at 79th. I watched her as she take her daughters hand and leed her off the train and up to the elevator.
I started thinking about the other people on the subway. They were so fixated on their book, newspaper, or ipod to even notice this young woman and her elderly mother. My seat was open again, but I wasn't going to take it. An older man offered me another open seat, but I declined and was really surprised to see the gratitude in his eyes. He sat down and almost immediatley dozed off.
These interactions with people make me even more certain that I am on the right path for a career. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of beating myself to try and gain this one job. These are people other humans that we interact with everyday. Someone needs to step up and care.

Started Early

2008-09-19T10:07:00.003-04:00

I have almost completely finished my Christmas shopping. Muahahaha!
I don't know how I started or how I pretty much finished, but I did it. I like buying things for other people. Maybe it is because there are pretty stores here in NY. Who knows?
I did my music theory homework this morning. I am trying really hard to pay attention this go round and actually learn the basics.
Last night my friend Sarah and I saw "Burn After Reading." It was quite interesting. After the movie was over we just sat in our seats staring at the screen. We spent almost the entire subway ride home talking about it. The movie reminded me of Dad and how he would always talk about formulas and this and that. Most of the time I don't even realize how much I do the same thing he used to. I pride myself on picking up all the foreshadowing and all the little themes that come up in movies. I knew who was going to die and what it would represent and all that. Thanks Dad! I was telling Sarah about it last night and how funny Dad used to be about it. It almost wasn't fun watching movies with him because he would always say what was going to happen or just diminish it by talking about the patterns and themes and predictability.
Kevin kind of does the same thing, but it is cute. He does it in a completely different way. I love how much Kevin loves films. He has good taste in movies. I also admire why Kevin likes the movies he does. He is such a thinker. I just love him.

Class/Subway

2008-09-18T09:43:00.002-04:00

I haven't been reading the book for history class. Oops. It might be time to get on that.
This morning, I got a later start than I like to and now I feel all funky. I should have gotten out of bed when I first woke up, made my coffee, and done yoga. Oh well. I guess I can do all that now.
Before that happens though I have to tell a subway story.
So, I get on the one train headed uptown and find a seat. Hooray! A seat. I didn't have to touch all the bars and things and feel like I'm contracting a disease. However, the man sitting next to me seemed a little out of it. He kept looking over at me and my friend. Then, he started nodding off and literally almost put his head on my shoulder. PLEASE! Honey! No! So, I got off the train 30 blocks early. Well, not to mention that there was this other man who got on and was wearing a face mask. Ok...let's think about something. If you are too sick to be in public DON'T BE IN PUBLIC! Also, if you are that much of a germ-o-phobe, get a car service. DO NOT TAKE THE SUBWAY. Of course, where does this man go? With all the room in the car? He comes and stands directly over me. So now I have too sick or mentally deranged to breathe and Mr. falling asleep on my shoulder. LORD! These people need to get their acts together.

Thanksgiving Planning

2008-09-17T09:59:00.009-04:00

Kevin has a week off for Thanksgiving so he is coming here to be with me. I am trying plan things to do while he is here. I've been searching for restaurants that serve Thanksgiving dinner that will not be near the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Paraders. Also, I've been looking at places you can go and pick up dinner for two. Most places only do dinner for a lot of people, but I need dinner for two! The other thing I thought would be fun would be to go to a filming of The Daily Show or the Colbert Report. However, the tickets are already gone for both of them through the New Year. No Joke. We could go stand outside and hope for stand-by tickets. That might be fun as long as it isn't two degrees outside that day. I really want to go to the museums here with him. I haven't been to the MET in a while and I've never been to the Guggenheim. I know that so many people do this, but it would be fun to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting, or at least go see it after it is lit. We could also go ice skating over there. Kevin and I have never been ice skating together before and it might be precious/hilarious.

There is a little bit of a nip in the air at night. I am so excited for the fall to come.

I can see me and Kevin doing that. I hope it isn't too cheesy, I think it would be fun.

I Freaked Out.

2008-09-16T08:35:00.003-04:00

So, yesterday, I had a total freak out. I did one of those "why the hell am I here?" things. I was looking around my room and then realized holy mother of Moses I am in school...in NY...getting two masters degrees...my boy and my dog are so far away...what the deuce?!
Kevin and Mamma helped me through it. They told me not to be a step skipper, which of course I kept calling a skip stepper...but you know that's ok. I need to focus on the good things and realize that I will be so glad that I did this when it is over. More than likely I'll love it, and then miss it when I am finished, but for a moment I had a hard time figuring out what the devil was going on.
Also, my room smells funny due to my new rain boots. My rain boots are awesome even if they do look like an extension of my jeans, I look like I am wearing a giant heeled onesie. I probably look like Peter Griffin.
I mean, maybe I don't look exactly like that, but it is close. Haha.

SNL Nails It

2008-09-15T09:05:00.004-04:00

In addition to watching this video, I also have come across some other snippets about Ms. Sarah Palin. The scariest woman ever. My violin teacher sent me this forwarded email and you should read it. I agree with the whole thing:

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known
for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of
a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved
polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe
it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the
arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the
fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar
bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to
build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard
to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more
insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and
solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism
which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending
racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds,
deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of
my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be
so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never
recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the
rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen
the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with
regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her
world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or
evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the
storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are
all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the
endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and
plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil
is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As
she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are
raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to
determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her
daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. >From what I gather she has tried
to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think
independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference.
This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the
United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the
earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has
been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from
the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when
God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's
name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of
separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever
tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our
hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S.,
but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the
earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we
move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence
through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for
oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will
free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent
on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of
killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a
closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get
Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at
the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think
of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military
exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt,
ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the
sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more
holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

Blood is Thicker than Water

2008-09-14T10:02:00.005-04:00

I don't know how many times I've heard my Mema say that. It is true. Your family will always be your family and you should always be there for them because they are all you get. I feel like I've really calmed down and had a new appreciation for appreciating people for who they are and how they are. My dad used to talk about it all the time. He would say, well "Nina is just Nina. Let her be that way" or "Cason is Cason" or "Winter is Winter" or "Emma is Emma". Everyone deserves the opportynity to be themselves. My only control is how I interact and react with them. I swear I wish I could have realized this years ago. It would have saved me tons of critical feelings, animosity, anger, tears, and frustration. However, I was being me. Man have I calmed down. I am happier.
For some reason, maybe it is this whole Jo moving to NY thing, (p.s. I am "Jo" from Little Women) but I have had so many self realizations this month. In Little Women Marmee tells Jo to go to NY and embrace her liberty and to see what wonderful things come of it. I told my sister today that moving to NY will either make you grow up and come down to earth or send you completely in the other direction. For me, it has brought me to the planet, calmed me down, and centered me into who I am. I guess this is the beginning of me seeing what wonderful things come of it.
For my entire undergrad I ran away from my first true goal in life and tried to take on this competitive spirit of being a performer and doing this and that, but the truth is that I want to teach. I've always wanted to teach. I would like to perform chamber music the way it was intended with friends in my home or local concerts. I feel as though I've finally tapped back into my educator/humanitarian that I saw in myself as a young teen. It has been a journey though. Part of the journey has been a religious and spiritual one. There is a difference between the religious side and the spiritual side. As a kid, religious people were the good people. The humanitarians. They went hand in hand. After seeing more of the world and having my brain develop a little more into an adult brain, I realize that religion has nothing to do with how good someone is. Some of the best people I know have no religious affiliation.
Maybe it is that strange late teens early twenties thing in my undergrad that had me fooled about my life goals. Maybe that is what your undergrad is...a time where you can be totally selfish and try on new selves, but all I can say is that I am glad I did it, but now I am even happier and more satisfied that I am on the other side.

Song Stuck In My Head

2008-09-13T10:02:00.013-04:00

The Best Things Happen While You`re Dancing, Irving Berlin

The best things happen while you're dancing

Things you would not do at home
Come naturally on the floor
For dancing soon becomes romancing
When you hold a girl in your arms
That you've never held before
Even guys with two left feet
Come out alright if the girl is sweet
If by chance their cheeks should meet while dancing
Proving that the best things happen while you dance

They just don't make movies like White Christmas any more. People don't dance like that any more and I miss it. It is like people have gotten stupider and less cultured. I love White Christmas the actors are so talented. I love it. They dance, they sing, the act. They are lovely. I love Danny Kaye. He's the cutest and funniest. He's much more charming than Bing was, although Bing's voice can make you melt. His voice is Christmas. It is interesting that they sing a song about how no one does shows like they used to and how far they had come from doing shows where people told jokes and danced and sang. It is a good thing they can't see the state of entertainment today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiws88x-fX0&feature=related

Totally Weird Girl Stuff

2008-09-12T08:41:00.002-04:00

Ok, so. I have an astigmatism. (I actually love talking about it, because for the longest time I just thought that I was insane and then I found out that the reason I see lights funny is because of my astigmatism...) OK. Good story. However, this may be TMI, but right before I start my vision gets worse, especially in my right eye. It is so hard for me to focus in my right eye around my time. It is the weirdest thing ever. I know that some women have vision changes during pregnancy, but I've never heard of people having it just as part of their cycles. It weirds me out, but it is just something that I deal with. Oh well. It is really quite annoying. I find myself closing my eyes in class and then opening them to see if I can clear it up, I try my glasses, then I take them off. UGH. It is annoying.

Stow The Tude Queenie!

2008-09-11T12:07:00.001-04:00

So, I realized that most of my frustrations are in my control.
I think this is something parents try to teach you as a child and as a teenager and even as a young adult, but it is something that you cannot learn until you figure it out.
I am only in control of my actions and reactions. If something pisses me off, it just does, but I am in control with how I deal with that instant reaction. This applies to friendships and "acquaintance-ships" too. ( i know i made up a word...get over it)
I can either choose to let them get on my nerves and show it and spend my time pissed or I can choose to say, OK Niners, that person is annoying and yes they should know better, but they clearly don't. Just be a good friend. Be on the same level of friendship not above where you take the role of authority or better-than or anything else, just be their friend, or be a good colleague by how you react.
This is my new way, and it is working quite well. It is almost as if I've taken the principles of yoga into my interactions with other humans. Stay calm and breathe through it, focus, center.
Good way to live!

Not Everyone Knows All Your Little Rules Larry!

2008-09-10T08:17:00.003-04:00

Just call me Larry. Larry David.
So, apparently I didn't prepare myself for school. I didn't prepare myself for the morons, for the classes, for pretty much anything. I've found myself thoroughly annoyed at the idiots I'm surrounded by (not everyone, just a few...well, a lot...but not the people I like). Yesterday, this ridiculous girl sat next to me in history and she was wearing SO MUCH bath and body works lotion..Please Honey! You think I won't recognize that coconut lime flavor $7.50 body spray you accosted yourself with. Paahhhlleeeease! I had to breathe into the isle just so I wouldn't choke to death. It was too late to move, although I did look. Every seat open looked like it was next to someone who probably doused themselves with perfume before they walked in. Haven't these people ever heard of moderation? Oh...apparently not we are at a music school. These people are insane.
Ok, here is my other hot button issue. So, forgive me please, but there is no excuse for obesity due to laziness and poor eating habits. Ok, I understand if you have some kind of disease, disorder, etc. However, if you are just a normal person and you are not taking the steps towards a healthy lifestyle and you weigh about 2x's as much as you should for your height, I don't give a care if you have big bones, that is crap. Take those stairs sweetheart!
I see all these obese people filling the elevators at school and going up one flight. ONE FLIGHT! Take the damn stairs. I almost was crushed into the wall on the elevator yesterday because this girl didn't realize her circumfrance. NO JOKE. I said "excuse me...EXCUSE ME!" still she squished me closer to the wall. It is disgusting.
Speaking of disgust, community bathrooms are gross.
The end.
I am over this.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going.

2008-09-09T08:53:00.004-04:00

The overused phrase "everything happens for a reason" can be an annoying little thing people say whenever they want to make you feel better about something that doesn't seem so glamorous or wonderful.
However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. For instance, I got put in the worst orchestra here, but I really feel like it is where I should be. When I found out how serious orchestra is taken here at this school I thought about withdrawing. No joke. I have no interest in locking myself in a practice room and learning how to be an orchestral auditionee. In Aspen this summer, my teacher here just laughed and said, "Oh! you're going to hate orchestra at school if you think it is taken to seriously here in Aspen." As usual, she was right.
I cannot even believe how ridiculous the orchestra schedules are here. I came here to study with Laurie and to do the education program, not have my life taken over by orchestra! LORD!
Here's the best part...I really want to be in the same orchestra all year because I have never gotten to play Shosti 5 and I really want to. It is my favorite orchestral piece, well, one of them.
Ok, so here is the everything happens for a reason part. Since I am in the lower orchestra my schedule is so much better. I have more time to make my education connections, practice for my lessons, and do what I came to do.
The only thing that makes me a little sad is that I like to do well at everything. It is tough knowing that I didn't. I really bombed my audition. I haven't had a good orchestral audition experience ever. Sometimes I feel like everyone got on this boat of learning how to audition for orchestra and I missed it because I was in the bathroom or something.
Learning orchestral audition excerpts and actually auditioning is a skill. A skill which I have not honed. I want to learn it so I can help my future students, and so that I can take an audition and say, good job self...see you can do it.
I have a lesson today and am going to talk to my teacher about this. I just cannot believe how badly I was shaking in my audition. I am pretty sure my Schumman Scherzo was one big shake fest. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason and when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Speaking of tough this Rodney Yee dude on my Yoga Burn video is in ridiculous shape. Woah.

Dream Home

2008-09-08T14:56:00.002-04:00

Whenever I walk into Anthropologie, I feel like I've died and entered my dream home. I love their kitchen ware. I have some mugs and plates and things, but I would love to go all out and have everything.
The colors are so bright and beautiful.
Their bedding is also gorgeous and homey. Maybe one day when I am rich and famous I can have an Anthropologie styled home...or I could try to copy it on a budget. We shall see, until then, I can dream.
Actually, I had a very profound experience in an Anthropologie in the summer of 2005. I was with two friends and we popped into the Anth. at Perimeter Mall in Atlanta. I wandered away from where they were looking and went to the housewares section and lost myself in the bright red, green, yellow, and blue coffee mugs. At that exact moment of self absorpotion I had this little vision/day dream of the man I would marry and be with. Here was the seen. I was in our small apartment kitchen, which had a window that overlooked the outside staircase and "he" was coming up the stairs coming home from work. He was taller than me, not 100% America, he had olive skin, dark eyes, and dark long hair. He was a musician and was coming home to our modest but wonderful life.
I forgot about this little vision/day dream for quite some time until I started dating my Kevin, who just happens to be 1/2 Cuban, have olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes. Sometimes just thinking about it gives me the chills since it was about 7 months before Kevin and I went on our first date. After that date I called my mom and told her that I had been on a date and there was something different. I felt like there was truly something there. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Shopping.

2008-09-07T20:10:00.002-04:00

So, today I went shopping and practiced and had a wonderful time. I love it here. Coming to school here is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to Loehmann's for the first time today and was slightly overwhelmed at first, then found some adorable things for fractions of the retail price. I had my first giant open dressing room experience. Crazy. Lots of ladies...lots of changing ladies ranging from ages 20-60. NO joke. Woah. Let's just say that Loehmann's can be visually overloading experience.

Bouquets of Sharpened Pencils

2008-09-07T09:47:00.003-04:00

Isn't New York beautiful in the fall?
Actually, it is still hot as hell here, but it is beautiful today. Tropical Storm Hanna came plowing through yesterday and now the air looks cleaner, the sky is clear, and it is gorgeous. To understand how gorgeous it is today, I need to paint how hideous it was yesterday. Let me start with the morning conversation with Sarah about our Saturday plans.
So, here's the dialogue between me and Sarah:
"I really want to go to the Village and get cupcakes still"
"It looks like it is going to get worse as the day goes on, but we could go, and then if it starts to flood we could head back"
"Ok, I really want to go"
"What are we shopping for?"
"Oo, a black purse, black skinny jeans, skinny blue jeans, brown pants, white tanks..."
So we get to the Village and the sun is shining we stand in the line (the line that wraps around the building outside of Magnolia Bakery) and get our cupcakes. We took them over to the park and I devoured mine like a savage and Sarah savored every bite. We avoided the park brawl between the crazies in the corner, and then it started to sprinkle. So, I took out my umbrella, and we sat and then popped into Marc Jacobs where I almost died of closterphobia, and then the rain picked up a little more and we went into more shops and then the bottom fell out...We were soaked, but thought we could pop up to Prince Street to shop there...we got on the subway...with the rest of New York and sweated in a soaked, hot, crowded slow subway car...we actually sweated in about 4 subway cars...and then remembered that it was possible that the city could flood so we high tailed it uptown to Harlem where we got off and walked back to school. As we approached the school the wind picked up and the rain poured harder...
Ewww.
I promptly ordered my rainboots online for I will not be stuck in another rain or snow and not have the proper foot attire. My boots are adorable actually...here is a picture. I used to make fun of people who would wear them, but I think it is because people in Florida...especially Tallahassee, are a little confused about cold weather gear. I used to see people wearing UG boots in the winter in Tallahassee and it was only 60 degrees, DUMB! Also, girls would wear those rainboots at completely inapporpriate times with inappropriate leg wear.

These are a necessity. NY is disgusting when it rains. So, my trench coat is beautiful, but I don't think I got one that is water proof. Damn.

Ok, so back to the story. Basically, Sarah and I ended up watching Curb Your Enthusiasm for hours and then talked politics...(yay liberals!!!).
It is so nice to have a friend who thinks critically and cares about what is going on the world.

So, today, we are post Hanna and it is beautiful. The calm after the storm is so refreshing. It is like all the yuck has been washed away.

Kevin is booking his ticket to come see me today! I can't wait. He had dinner with Winter and Mark last night, and I am jealous of all of them for getting to see each other. Not fair.
I may be in NYC, one of the greatest citites in the world, but it cannot even compare to being with the people you love. Muah!

Bob Dylan Lyrics

2008-09-06T09:14:00.002-04:00

Blowin' In The Wind

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

The Answer My Friend is Blowin' in the Wind, the Answer is Blowin' in the Wind

2008-09-06T09:02:00.002-04:00

Most days, recently, Kevin and my conversations turn to education, students, the state of America, etc. Each day we grow increasingly aware of how wonderful are lives our. We realize how amazing are parents are(were). We realize how good we had/have it. Kevin has some kids in his school that really have some rough situations. I used to think that since I lost my dad, my parents were divorced, blah blah blah...that I had tough. The truth is that I haven't haven't had it easy, but it could have been a lot worse. Now, this does not discredit the pain and heartache that I have had. Every person has their trials and tribulations. Losing dad, the way we lost Dad, was a nightmare. The months following losing Dad were horrible. However, losing a loved one is something that everyone will experience is his life. Not everyone will experience having parents who care(d) and who love(d) and I do/did. The tough knocks have just made me tougher, made me see the world in a different way, made me see myself in a different way. Here are the things I have learned:
You can only be where you are.
What doesn't kill you does indeed make you stronger. (My family is living proof in so many ways)
You cannot change your past.
You cannot cling to your past, you can only grow from your experiences.
Your reactions are your responsibility.
The only person you truly compete with is yourself.
What goes around really does come around.
Some people are not worth your time or energy.
Weed your friend garden, its healthy.
Take care of yourself.
Notice the small things around you.
Grief comes in waves, but like waves will eventually pass or become substantially smaller.
Life is short.
Life is tough.
Life is a gift.

Forget the Hassel at Laguardia, Come to MSM Like I Did...

2008-09-05T08:56:00.004-04:00

In a time machine, pictured to the right.
Ready to travel back to 1978?
OK! Just enroll in classes and deal with the registrars office at MSM. I am headed back with my pen and paper to drop and add classes....have these people heard of online registration? Why yes they have! You know what their response was? It was as follows: "This system has worked for us for 30 years...why should we change it?"
My answer...as musicians we are constantly changing and constantly reinventing how things were played from different musical eras. We can emulate how it was done many moons ago, but if that philosophy was true I would still be playing on a Baroque violin, women wouldn't be allowed to vote, the schools would be segregated, and let's see Elvis might be alive.
WHAT THE Fay U Could Keep (away from Florida a few weeks ago).

Looking for Boots

2008-09-04T07:55:00.002-04:00

I need boots. I need waterproof boots that aren't hideous...is there such a thing? I need flat boots...I have wedge heel boots, but they don't get me far if I have to walk. There is this nice Aerosoles store down the street I may pop in this morning after I walk in the park and do my yoga. Well, actually I should practice first then I can pop in for shoes.
I got a new phone. I had this really busted one. Now I have a beautiful LG Chocolate phone. I highly recommend it. It is the cutest.
Another thing I need is a new yoga routine. I am getting to where my yoga journal dvd that Wintons gave me is getting too easy (which is a very good thing...people are always saying how fit I am and how defined my arms are...this is due to all those chatarangas and upward and downward facing dogs...that and all the underground street fighting I do...JK...I am not Tyler Durden...)
OK! Well. That was a funny little rabbit I just chased.

School/Cupcakes/Good Friends/Amazing Boyfriend

2008-09-03T08:08:00.003-04:00

School starts today. Woo.... hooo!
I know, my enthusiasm is overwhelming.
So, last night, my friend Sarah and I took a little journey to Soho...well...yes I think it was some part of Soho. We popped up on Prince Street and then went down Spring in search of yummy food for a post audition celebration. The plan was to eat a quick bite and do a little shopping. Ummm. We definitely went down the wrong way on Spring. Wow those neighborhoods change fast. We searched and searched for food and there was hardly anything. We couldn't believe it. We finally found a bar and thought, yummers Nachos! However, when we walked in the bar we were the only women in there. EWWW! The men were nasty. I mean gross. We hightailed it out of there and popped down some other streets.
Sarah is wonderful. She is one of those great people who you can enjoy being around all the time. If you want to be quiet, she's fun, if you want to be cranky, she's fun, and if you want to be crazy, she's fun too! I am so glad we're here together and that I have a like-minded friend. We were both about to have blood sugar crashes, or maybe we already crashed and we were about 6-10 blocks from our subway, when I remembered there's a Dean and Deluca right next to the subway. We voted and unanimously decided to scrap the food and shopping and just get treats from D and D.
So, two haggard students ordered pastries and split a mocha. No joke. Within 2 bites, we were different people. Yum!
Our reward this next week for finishing the first week of school is a trip to the Village for Magnolia Cupcakes.
Kevin is coming for Thanksgiving. I keep looking and exploring things for us to do here in the city that will be fun. He's the best really. I'm thinking we'll spend hours looking at books and cd's. I think he might just freak out when he sees the Barnes and Noble on 66th at Lincoln Center. There are 4 or 5 stories and the basement is all cd's and DVDs. The kid's gonna flip.
Then, my goal is to become more familiar with the cool parts of town so we can hang out there. I mean, we'll do the normal stuff too, but I want it to be really special for him. He needs and deserves the best vacation ever.

Starting Up.

2008-09-02T10:39:00.002-04:00

Mom was here this weekend. We had a great time and went down to Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza, and Central Park. The most eventful thing that happened was on the subway. After shopping yesterday in midtown, we were waiting for the subway and when it finally arrived, like all people we ran towards the car with seats in it. There was something strange about this car though. The surrounding cars were full of people, people on top of other people. This one little car was pretty much empty and as soon as we stepped on we found out why. It felt like it was 90 degrees in there. There were people sitting and sweating. Everyone's reaction when they got on was the same. One man actually stepped on, felt it, and said "Oh No!" and ran to another car to stand in the air conditioning. Mom and I got off 17 blocks early so we could just get off that stupid hot car.
My orchestra audition is today and I am appropriately nervous.
I've been thinking a lot about the Teacher's College program here, and have decided that it all comes down to money. If it is free or close to it, I will do it. However, if not...I will get my certification at a different time and place.
Speaking of auditions. It is practice time. I need to run over that Schumman Scherzo a couple more times. Here I go!

Impolite.

2008-08-31T08:02:00.005-04:00

Sunday mornings are the only reason I wish I had a TV. I love Sunday morning news shows. I used to watch The Sunday Morning Show on CBS, then Face the Nation, then flip over and watch Meet the Press. It was wonderful. I am watching Face the Nation online right now. It is last week's episode from the DNC. Bob Schieffer just showed the newest McCain ad where Hilary says bad things about Obama. The purpose is to divide the democratic party, just like McCain's VP pick. It makes me mad, but I guess that is politics.

Face The Nation August 24, 2008

I haven't done my research on Obama's VP pick yet. I really need to. Kevin and I always talk about politics. He and I also talk about how uninformed the average American is. It makes me sad. I am not nearly as informed as I should be, but I am working on that.
We saw some statistics about how few college students read about politics, or read a newspaper, or just read! It is astounding how few people are actually getting their information from reputable sources. Most people rely on the internet, especially wikipedia. I have no problem with wikipedia when it isn't the only place someone is getting their information. Kevin recently wanted to buy a book on American history and I think it is a great idea. I want to be more informed from a list of real sources. The internet is a wonderful tool, but I am afraid we are raising a nation of idiots who only want to wait two seconds for inofrmation, which they probably won't retain.