Money Under the Mattress

Doesn't sound like such a bad idea at the moment does it?
This whole financial crises has me a tad freaked out. I've really considered getting another undergraduate degree in finance. Lord. What a scary time.
Kevin says there are gas shortages in GA. He says the lines wrap around the gas station into the traffic in the streets. He said he went into UPS to mail something to me yesterday and as he got there a gas tanker truck pulled in to a nearby gas station. By the time he came out of the gas station the people were peeling the numbers off the sign and turning people away.
Scary.
These financial times are very scary for me considering my profession and the fact that I am currently taking out student loans. Luckily, I am with BOA and they are the largest bank in America. However, a lot of banks are discontinuing their student loans.
Scary.
Well, what can we do? I do not know.
On another note, I've started reading a new book. I really like it so far. I'd never heard of it before, but it looked interesting. It is Names My Sisters Call Me by Megan Crane. It is about three sisters who lost their father and only have the women in their family. The main character, the youngest sister, Courtney has just gotten engaged and is trying to reunite the three sisters together. The middle sister Raine, the wild child, ruined Norah's, the oldest sister, wedding. Courtney is on a hunt for Raine and tries to piece the sisters back together.
The sister relationships is so funny. I see bits and pieces of my sisters in each of them. The funniest parts are that Courtney is a professional cellist, she just got engaged, and there is a character named Bronwyn.
Ok, let's look at the parallels. I am a violinist, Kevin and I are talking about getting engaged, and my best friend's name is Bronwyn and I have three sisters, lost my dad, and yes.
Woah.
I really like it so far. It is a good read to get my mind off my own life.

No Offense, But Self...Get a Grip

Major breakdown this weekend. I mean major. One of those mid 20's life crises kind of break downs. Poor Mom and Kevin had to piece me back together.
Here's the thing: I am not happy. Not here. This could be for a laundry list of reasons. I have only been here 5 weeks, (and counting...please), I am far away from home, this school is expensive, unorganized, and frankly just plain weird. I feel like I am getting another undergrad degree. However, there are good things here too. I like my teacher, I like my chamber group, and I like my friends. Is that enough to stay? I mean, do I really want to leave and then start the whole process again? Looking for a new school is exhausting. Auditioning is exhausting, but I could go back to FSU. I could try my hand right now at freelancing and teaching private students. Who knows. I could try again for next year...or even wait until Kevin is ready to do his masters and then us go together.
Kevin gave me good advice. He said that I shouldn't make a decision based on all these things about money or whether I am a quitter or all these other factors I seem to make things about. He said do it for myself. Am I happy? Do I like MSM? He said it is my life. I know this is stupid, but I hadn't come around that corner. It isn't about me disappointing people or myself. This is my life and I can do with it what I please.
Mom also gave me really good advice. She says give it until Winter break, then I will know for sure. She says I haven't been here long enough yet. I agree.
Let me just talk this out.
I know after having this meltdown that I definitely want to do music.
I know that I love violin and that I am a good teacher.
I know that I do want a masters degree, no matter how painful the process.
I know that even though I have loans I will be OK if I decide to stay.
I know I have a lot of options.
I know that if I can just get through the year the summer will be here and then I would be 1/2 way finished with this degree.
I know there are other programs out there and that I can do with my life what I please.

Kevin and Mom also said some things that made me feel better and shifted my mindset. They both in different ways told me that I don't have to prove that I am tough by staying here if I am unhappy. How dumb would that be? Sometimes I tie all these other factors into decisions and don't look at the core. I make things about other things.

Mom said to take it one day at a time. I guess that is what I need to do.
Maybe I should go talk to the career people here.
I'm realizing that it has nothing to do with the school you go to, but what you do with yourself.
I wish I could be a chamber musician and just toodle around playing with my friends and getting paid. Why doesn't Matthew live near me? Why can't Edward be just around the corner?

Here are some of my ideas:

• Stay here on the performance and education track (graduate 2011)
  
• Stay here and only do the performance degree (graduate 2010)
  
• Stay here, do the performance degree then go wherever Kevin wants to go and get my Ph.d. (graduate 2010 with more schooling ahead)
  
• Leave. Go home. Start up students and some job and then go with Kevin to where he wants to go and get a different masters degree. (no graduation)
  
• Leave. Go back to FSU, gig, teach and get a degree in Finance. (no graduation from here)
  
• Stay here, find an apartment and a job and just take lessons with Laurie.
• Drop down to a performance certificate and be finished this year then look elsewhere for a different program that is more my style.
• Stay and try to do as many things as possible, like take viola.
• Calm down and take it day by day.

No offense self, but I think the last one is the best choice.

No Subject

Well, today I went to Ratemyprofessor.com and looked for my Dad's rating. It always gives me a laugh. You can click here to read them:

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/

They are funny to me because they basically say that he was a fantastic teacher, really hard, but willing to help. Oh Dad. I also find if funny that his score on the hottness scale was a zero. Dad was so cute, but I don't think that he was the studly professor-type in the eyes of his students.
Speaking of Dad. I really want a new computer. It is hard having this computer. It was his. I cannot bring myself to delete some of the files and there are his pictures. I really want a macbook. Brian, Kevito's brother, can get me a discount. That may have to be my Merry Christmas self present.
Last night I watched a couple of episodes of Sex and the City. I'm not going to lie, it isn't my favorite show. I prefer things like Family Guy and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Boy shows. Sometimes I think that I must have been a boy in some past life. Hmm. Interesting thought. Maybe I was. Who knows?
Oh!! HAHAH!!!! Ok, Curb fans will know what I am talking about, but others won't. There is this episode where Larry needs to drink a lot of water and he takes his bottle of water with him everywhere. He tries to take it into this movie theater and a woman at the door tells him that he can't, that there is no food or drink in the theater including water. So, heehee, he throws out his water bottle and goes into the theater. The woman who told him that is sitting in the theater. So, Larry asks her if she works there and she says no. Larry gets mad and says why did you make me throw out the water, and the woman says "It is the rules." They get into a fight and Larry accusses her of being like a student in a classroom that says "Teacher! Teacher! you forgot to give us homework, give us homework!"
No joke. There is a girl like this in one of my classes. She is always pointing things out. For instance, the professor will forget to take up the homework, or forget that he has passed things out and said things. This girl, is always like "teacher...teacher!!!! and correcting him." She is SOOOOOOOO obnoxious.
Oh well. One day I want to tell her to shut up. Maybe I will. Mwhahahahaaa!

Rain...

It is raining.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I am going to pull on my rain boots and and go outside. Well, I need to. It isn't like I am just bebopping all over the place in the rain for no reason.
This is very exciting. I've been waiting for a rainy day for weeks! Hoorah!
I have absolutely no desire to go to class today. None. Nada. Zip. I mean, I'm going to go, but I don't want to.
My lesson last night was interesting. I did feel good about getting through the entire first movement and being told I could move on to the 2nd and start another piece. Praise Jeebus.
Here I go to stomp in the rain. Yeah!

Slow Day

Violin, Me, Book...Slow Day

The past two days have gone by like a turtle race. Sometimes time flies by, then other times, like today it is as if the hours are going backwards and then repeating themselves. I've been trying to practice all morning. I did an hour of yoga with Rodney Yee, I've watched five episodes of Family GUy, practiced these same parts in the Prokofiev over and over again. I really need a new piece. I cannot handle just working on one. I am going out of my mind.
My morning class got canceled, which is fine, but that class always speeds up the day. Teaching techniques starts at 2:00 and it seems to not be coming ever. Tonight at 6 I have a lesson and then am going out to eat with Sarah and friends for her birthday! Yay birthdays.
I know that as soon as I have my lesson I will feel so much better. I always feel better after a lesson. Ok. Here I go back to practice some more.

Kind To Myself Day

Redecorated Room Over the Weekend

Today is be kind to myself day. I only have one class on Wednesdays. Piano. Lord. Today, this girl who bobs and weaves as she plays beginning piano pieces, came in really sick. She sneezed and breathed all over everything and everyone. The room was stuffy and here she was infecting everyone. I've been popping my immune system vitamins like there is no tomorrow.
So, it was decided. It is be kind to myself day. My friend's birthday is tomorrow and I went out to get her present today and on the way I popped in for a pedicure. My feet were so gross. I wore broken down flip flops in Aspen and here and it made my feet look and feel awful. So, I got those cleaned up. Then, when I got back my shoes had arrived and so had Winter and Kevin's Christmas presents! Yay!
Since I got back I've been laying low, drinking a nice cup of tea, watching Curb. It is amazing. I also booked a flight to go see Kevin in October. I just can't wait until Thanksgiving. Luckily, Mom and Cason are coming soon to break up this giant chunk of time. The weekend after they leave I am going to be with Kevin for a really laid back weekend in the ATL. I can't wait to see him. I miss him so much.
For your viewing pleasure I've included pictures of my new shooties, my recently pedicured feet, my phone I got earlier this month, and I don't know. We'll just have to see. Enjoy!

Tax Forms

Why are filling out tax forms such a hassle? All the instructions say to flip this sheet over, fill out this box, then transfer that box to the front page and so on and so forth.
Eww. I don't like doing it. Oh well. C'est la vie.
I only have one class on Wednesdays, which is so nice. I can't stand the class, but that is beside the point. I should have tested out, but no, I missed a few fingerings in my piano scale and got placed in the 3rd semester of required piano. LAME.
Oh well. Oh well. Oh well.
I think today is a Yoga Burn day. I try not to do the same exercise each day. I like to mix it up. Did I write about decorating my room?
If I did, get over it. I am again. I decorated my room so it looks a little less like a hospital wing and more like a room someone lives in. I put up pictures and hung up my scarves. The color on the walls make the room look so much nicer.
This morning, Kevin called. Having to wait until November to see him is outrageous. So, I am looking for a reasonable flight to Atlanta in October. I don't care if I miss a class or two. I need to see Kevito.

Teaching

So, I fixed that little situation from yesterday. Mom and I talked about how if you want something done you have to do it yourself. This new schedule I have is going to work out so much better for me anyways. I was able to switch a class section with my aural skills teacher so I could teach in the afternoon. It was so easy. So, now I am a violin teacher at a school in East Harlem. Yay!
NYC teaching experience is invaluable. There was NO way that I was going to miss out on this opportunity. I would really like 2 years of experience instead of just one. Now I can write my personal statement for Columbia in the fall and actually have teaching experience to write about. PHHHEEEEW!
Now I get to come up with kiddie violin things! Yay!
Also, my friend Jessica has agreed to do some head shots for me at Christmas.
In other news, but news related to teaching, I am going to Indiana for a week this summer for a teacher's retreat. I'm really excited about it. Kevin and I can go together, which will be really nice. I'm hoping just to chill out this summer since next summer I will be in summer school at Columbia.
tonight, my trio has our first coaching. We'll see how that goes.

Furious.

I am furious right now. Absolutely irate.
I have no idea how this school even functions. Well, you know what? I've had enough. You think I'm going to pay this much money to be here? Have it this unorganized and them expect me to be excited about it? Hell. No.
So, here's what has happened. My schedule has changed so many times, thanks to the orchestra department and the registrars office that I got booted over for teaching opportunities which is REQUIRED FOR MY 2nd DEGREE. So, instead of the office calling me and saying, we have a conflict with this time, could you try to work it out since you have to have this experience for your degree. They don't tell me anything. If I hadn't gone in just a few minutes ago, I would not have known. You know why? Because this school is run by a bunch of baboon asses. I am so mad right now. My blood is boiling. Well, you know what? I've already started making contacts somewhere else. That's right. Forget this. You think I'm going to spend anymore time here than I need to? Are you kidding me? Well...They said I could get my hours in next year. Ok, that's great. What about that application I have to fill out and that personal essay I have to write about my TEACHING experiences at MSM. Oh, that's right. I have to start doing that next year. How can I write about teaching experiences I don't HAVE!
This place...I cannot even understand it.

Like my sister...

I have trouble hearing songs my Dad loved. One day in Aspen I was in City Market when all the sudden out of nowhere "Tennessee Waltz" came on. Dad taught that song to me by ear and then would have me play it for him all the time. It is actually one of the songs I played for him the last time I ever saw him. Kevin and I played for him and his family. Dad cried the entire time. I played Tennessee Waltz, Amazing Grace, and may have played Rocky Top or some other songs that were special to him, but those two were the one that killed me. Watching his eyes fill up with tears as he listened to me play, made me know I was losing him.
When we had to leave the next day, I begged him to let me stay longer. I had to be back in Atlanta to pick something up from a violin shop, but I felt like I just wanted to stay with my dad. He had already gotten a little, I don't even know the correct word, by then. He said I could stay if I wanted, but that he had things to do. He didn't seem 100% anxious for me to stay. I cried all the way home from Dalton to Atlanta. Kevin was so sweet to me in the car. My gut told me that I would never see him again. As we drove away from his house I remember feeling so lost, so sad, so angry that this sickness was taking my Dad from me. While we were with him he kept talking about how awful he looked, he barely touched his food, he hugged us a lot, and he showed us places in Dalton and told us stories he had never told us before. He took us to the primitive Baptist Church and told us these hell fire and brimstone stories about being scared to go to the front. I can still here his voice singing "Sweetly and Softly Jesus is calling." It was chilling. Still is.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Miss him and wonder if there was anything I could have done better. Sometimes I wonder, if I had just stayed with him that afternoon...would that have made things better? The answer I know is no. By the end he didn't want us to see him. I think it was easier for him that way. I told him I was coming to stay and be with him the weekend of April 20 something. He told me not to come. He said I could if I wanted, but he had things to do. I remember having my feelings so hurt by that and even telling a friend about it. I had no idea what would happen not even weeks later. How could I have?

A Shift in Mindset

This blog could be permanently changed to "stories from the 1 train in NYC." There could be hundreds of stories, one from each time a new stop is made. People watching on the subway alone could give any writer years of material. However, it is those personal interactions or personal experiences that make the stories even more interesting.
Recently, I've become increasingly aware at how most people do not think of others before themselves. Most people do not consider who is sitting or standing next to them in a class, on the subway, or in the elevator. For instance, yesterday a teacher asked a student in the class to open a window. The window does not open more than about 4-6 inches. This teacher then proceeded to tell the class why there were blocks on all the windows in the school and the dorm. Apparently a few years ago a girl jumped and killed herself in the dorm. Without thinking that maybe there were students in his class affected by suicide, this teacher proceeded to talk about how horrible suicide is. He talked of how selfish it is and how it is a "long term solution to short term problems." This interaction with this teacher made me realize how oblivious and closed minded people are. Yes, suicide is selfish, but not all suicide happens due to short term problems. I felt like asking him: "Sir, do you know what Hospice is? Have you ever heard of terminal illnesses? Have you ever talked to a medical professional about suicide?" Not all suicides can be lumped into a category. Nothing life related lumped into one category. This teacher/class discussion led me to see even further how oblivious people are to who is around them.
Not even four hours later something else happened that proved the oblivion of the average human again. This time it was on the 1 train.
My friend and I had popped down to Macy's on 34th and I left early. I needed to get back and practice, so I jumped on the subway and headed towards home. I waited for the second train because the first one was full and I knew there would be another one shortly with seats. (If you are ever in NY and it is rush hour...wait for the next train. It is usually less crowded. They generally send two.) So, I nabbed a seat and sat patiently. The trains usually get more and more crowded around 42nd St. We must have been at Columbus Circle when an old woman and her 20-30 year old daughter got on. There was standing room only. I noticed that the daughter was having a hard time. She didn't seem to understand that she needed to hold on the pole so she wouldn't fall. Apparently no one else noticed. I locked eyes with the daughter and she gave this bewildered look and I stood up and gave her my seat. I'm not sure what type of retardation she has, but she broke my heart. He mom, so patient, so kind and loving, saw what happened and thanked me profusely. She told me that her daughter had just been diagnosed with arthritis and was "limpy." The mothers eyes told me the rest of the story. She stood there guarding her daughter as she sat without saying a word chewing on her my little pony's foot. She would stroke the dolls hair and look around. No one in the subway seemed to notice or care. Occassionaly the daughter would lift her hand up for her mom to hold and she did. The mom continued to thank me when she got off at 79th. I watched her as she take her daughters hand and leed her off the train and up to the elevator.
I started thinking about the other people on the subway. They were so fixated on their book, newspaper, or ipod to even notice this young woman and her elderly mother. My seat was open again, but I wasn't going to take it. An older man offered me another open seat, but I declined and was really surprised to see the gratitude in his eyes. He sat down and almost immediatley dozed off.
These interactions with people make me even more certain that I am on the right path for a career. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of beating myself to try and gain this one job. These are people other humans that we interact with everyday. Someone needs to step up and care.

Started Early

I have almost completely finished my Christmas shopping. Muahahaha!
I don't know how I started or how I pretty much finished, but I did it. I like buying things for other people. Maybe it is because there are pretty stores here in NY. Who knows?
I did my music theory homework this morning. I am trying really hard to pay attention this go round and actually learn the basics.
Last night my friend Sarah and I saw "Burn After Reading." It was quite interesting. After the movie was over we just sat in our seats staring at the screen. We spent almost the entire subway ride home talking about it. The movie reminded me of Dad and how he would always talk about formulas and this and that. Most of the time I don't even realize how much I do the same thing he used to. I pride myself on picking up all the foreshadowing and all the little themes that come up in movies. I knew who was going to die and what it would represent and all that. Thanks Dad! I was telling Sarah about it last night and how funny Dad used to be about it. It almost wasn't fun watching movies with him because he would always say what was going to happen or just diminish it by talking about the patterns and themes and predictability.
Kevin kind of does the same thing, but it is cute. He does it in a completely different way. I love how much Kevin loves films. He has good taste in movies. I also admire why Kevin likes the movies he does. He is such a thinker. I just love him.

Class/Subway

I haven't been reading the book for history class. Oops. It might be time to get on that.
This morning, I got a later start than I like to and now I feel all funky. I should have gotten out of bed when I first woke up, made my coffee, and done yoga. Oh well. I guess I can do all that now.
Before that happens though I have to tell a subway story.
So, I get on the one train headed uptown and find a seat. Hooray! A seat. I didn't have to touch all the bars and things and feel like I'm contracting a disease. However, the man sitting next to me seemed a little out of it. He kept looking over at me and my friend. Then, he started nodding off and literally almost put his head on my shoulder. PLEASE! Honey! No! So, I got off the train 30 blocks early. Well, not to mention that there was this other man who got on and was wearing a face mask. Ok...let's think about something. If you are too sick to be in public DON'T BE IN PUBLIC! Also, if you are that much of a germ-o-phobe, get a car service. DO NOT TAKE THE SUBWAY. Of course, where does this man go? With all the room in the car? He comes and stands directly over me. So now I have too sick or mentally deranged to breathe and Mr. falling asleep on my shoulder. LORD! These people need to get their acts together.

Thanksgiving Planning

Kevin has a week off for Thanksgiving so he is coming here to be with me. I am trying plan things to do while he is here. I've been searching for restaurants that serve Thanksgiving dinner that will not be near the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Paraders. Also, I've been looking at places you can go and pick up dinner for two. Most places only do dinner for a lot of people, but I need dinner for two! The other thing I thought would be fun would be to go to a filming of The Daily Show or the Colbert Report. However, the tickets are already gone for both of them through the New Year. No Joke. We could go stand outside and hope for stand-by tickets. That might be fun as long as it isn't two degrees outside that day. I really want to go to the museums here with him. I haven't been to the MET in a while and I've never been to the Guggenheim. I know that so many people do this, but it would be fun to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting, or at least go see it after it is lit. We could also go ice skating over there. Kevin and I have never been ice skating together before and it might be precious/hilarious.

There is a little bit of a nip in the air at night. I am so excited for the fall to come.

I can see me and Kevin doing that. I hope it isn't too cheesy, I think it would be fun.

I Freaked Out.

So, yesterday, I had a total freak out. I did one of those "why the hell am I here?" things. I was looking around my room and then realized holy mother of Moses I am in school...in NY...getting two masters degrees...my boy and my dog are so far away...what the deuce?!
Kevin and Mamma helped me through it. They told me not to be a step skipper, which of course I kept calling a skip stepper...but you know that's ok. I need to focus on the good things and realize that I will be so glad that I did this when it is over. More than likely I'll love it, and then miss it when I am finished, but for a moment I had a hard time figuring out what the devil was going on.
Also, my room smells funny due to my new rain boots. My rain boots are awesome even if they do look like an extension of my jeans, I look like I am wearing a giant heeled onesie. I probably look like Peter Griffin.
I mean, maybe I don't look exactly like that, but it is close. Haha.

SNL Nails It

In addition to watching this video, I also have come across some other snippets about Ms. Sarah Palin. The scariest woman ever. My violin teacher sent me this forwarded email and you should read it. I agree with the whole thing:

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known
for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of
a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved
polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe
it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the
arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the
fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar
bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to
build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard
to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more
insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and
solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism
which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending
racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds,
deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of
my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be
so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never
recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the
rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen
the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with
regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her
world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or
evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the
storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are
all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the
endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and
plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil
is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As
she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are
raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to
determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her
daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. >From what I gather she has tried
to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think
independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference.
This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the
United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the
earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has
been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from
the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when
God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's
name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of
separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever
tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our
hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S.,
but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the
earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we
move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence
through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for
oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will
free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent
on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of
killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a
closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get
Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at
the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think
of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military
exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt,
ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the
sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more
holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

Blood is Thicker than Water

I don't know how many times I've heard my Mema say that. It is true. Your family will always be your family and you should always be there for them because they are all you get. I feel like I've really calmed down and had a new appreciation for appreciating people for who they are and how they are. My dad used to talk about it all the time. He would say, well "Nina is just Nina. Let her be that way" or "Cason is Cason" or "Winter is Winter" or "Emma is Emma". Everyone deserves the opportynity to be themselves. My only control is how I interact and react with them. I swear I wish I could have realized this years ago. It would have saved me tons of critical feelings, animosity, anger, tears, and frustration. However, I was being me. Man have I calmed down. I am happier.
For some reason, maybe it is this whole Jo moving to NY thing, (p.s. I am "Jo" from Little Women) but I have had so many self realizations this month. In Little Women Marmee tells Jo to go to NY and embrace her liberty and to see what wonderful things come of it. I told my sister today that moving to NY will either make you grow up and come down to earth or send you completely in the other direction. For me, it has brought me to the planet, calmed me down, and centered me into who I am. I guess this is the beginning of me seeing what wonderful things come of it.
For my entire undergrad I ran away from my first true goal in life and tried to take on this competitive spirit of being a performer and doing this and that, but the truth is that I want to teach. I've always wanted to teach. I would like to perform chamber music the way it was intended with friends in my home or local concerts. I feel as though I've finally tapped back into my educator/humanitarian that I saw in myself as a young teen. It has been a journey though. Part of the journey has been a religious and spiritual one. There is a difference between the religious side and the spiritual side. As a kid, religious people were the good people. The humanitarians. They went hand in hand. After seeing more of the world and having my brain develop a little more into an adult brain, I realize that religion has nothing to do with how good someone is. Some of the best people I know have no religious affiliation.
Maybe it is that strange late teens early twenties thing in my undergrad that had me fooled about my life goals. Maybe that is what your undergrad is...a time where you can be totally selfish and try on new selves, but all I can say is that I am glad I did it, but now I am even happier and more satisfied that I am on the other side.

Song Stuck In My Head

The Best Things Happen While You`re Dancing, Irving Berlin

The best things happen while you're dancing

Things you would not do at home
Come naturally on the floor
For dancing soon becomes romancing
When you hold a girl in your arms
That you've never held before
Even guys with two left feet
Come out alright if the girl is sweet
If by chance their cheeks should meet while dancing
Proving that the best things happen while you dance

They just don't make movies like White Christmas any more. People don't dance like that any more and I miss it. It is like people have gotten stupider and less cultured. I love White Christmas the actors are so talented. I love it. They dance, they sing, the act. They are lovely. I love Danny Kaye. He's the cutest and funniest. He's much more charming than Bing was, although Bing's voice can make you melt. His voice is Christmas. It is interesting that they sing a song about how no one does shows like they used to and how far they had come from doing shows where people told jokes and danced and sang. It is a good thing they can't see the state of entertainment today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiws88x-fX0&feature=related

Totally Weird Girl Stuff

Ok, so. I have an astigmatism. (I actually love talking about it, because for the longest time I just thought that I was insane and then I found out that the reason I see lights funny is because of my astigmatism...) OK. Good story. However, this may be TMI, but right before I start my vision gets worse, especially in my right eye. It is so hard for me to focus in my right eye around my time. It is the weirdest thing ever. I know that some women have vision changes during pregnancy, but I've never heard of people having it just as part of their cycles. It weirds me out, but it is just something that I deal with. Oh well. It is really quite annoying. I find myself closing my eyes in class and then opening them to see if I can clear it up, I try my glasses, then I take them off. UGH. It is annoying.

Stow The Tude Queenie!

So, I realized that most of my frustrations are in my control.
I think this is something parents try to teach you as a child and as a teenager and even as a young adult, but it is something that you cannot learn until you figure it out.
I am only in control of my actions and reactions. If something pisses me off, it just does, but I am in control with how I deal with that instant reaction. This applies to friendships and "acquaintance-ships" too. ( i know i made up a word...get over it)
I can either choose to let them get on my nerves and show it and spend my time pissed or I can choose to say, OK Niners, that person is annoying and yes they should know better, but they clearly don't. Just be a good friend. Be on the same level of friendship not above where you take the role of authority or better-than or anything else, just be their friend, or be a good colleague by how you react.
This is my new way, and it is working quite well. It is almost as if I've taken the principles of yoga into my interactions with other humans. Stay calm and breathe through it, focus, center.
Good way to live!

Not Everyone Knows All Your Little Rules Larry!

Just call me Larry. Larry David.
So, apparently I didn't prepare myself for school. I didn't prepare myself for the morons, for the classes, for pretty much anything. I've found myself thoroughly annoyed at the idiots I'm surrounded by (not everyone, just a few...well, a lot...but not the people I like). Yesterday, this ridiculous girl sat next to me in history and she was wearing SO MUCH bath and body works lotion..Please Honey! You think I won't recognize that coconut lime flavor $7.50 body spray you accosted yourself with. Paahhhlleeeease! I had to breathe into the isle just so I wouldn't choke to death. It was too late to move, although I did look. Every seat open looked like it was next to someone who probably doused themselves with perfume before they walked in. Haven't these people ever heard of moderation? Oh...apparently not we are at a music school. These people are insane.
Ok, here is my other hot button issue. So, forgive me please, but there is no excuse for obesity due to laziness and poor eating habits. Ok, I understand if you have some kind of disease, disorder, etc. However, if you are just a normal person and you are not taking the steps towards a healthy lifestyle and you weigh about 2x's as much as you should for your height, I don't give a care if you have big bones, that is crap. Take those stairs sweetheart!
I see all these obese people filling the elevators at school and going up one flight. ONE FLIGHT! Take the damn stairs. I almost was crushed into the wall on the elevator yesterday because this girl didn't realize her circumfrance. NO JOKE. I said "excuse me...EXCUSE ME!" still she squished me closer to the wall. It is disgusting.
Speaking of disgust, community bathrooms are gross.
The end.
I am over this.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going.

The overused phrase "everything happens for a reason" can be an annoying little thing people say whenever they want to make you feel better about something that doesn't seem so glamorous or wonderful.
However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. For instance, I got put in the worst orchestra here, but I really feel like it is where I should be. When I found out how serious orchestra is taken here at this school I thought about withdrawing. No joke. I have no interest in locking myself in a practice room and learning how to be an orchestral auditionee. In Aspen this summer, my teacher here just laughed and said, "Oh! you're going to hate orchestra at school if you think it is taken to seriously here in Aspen." As usual, she was right.
I cannot even believe how ridiculous the orchestra schedules are here. I came here to study with Laurie and to do the education program, not have my life taken over by orchestra! LORD!
Here's the best part...I really want to be in the same orchestra all year because I have never gotten to play Shosti 5 and I really want to. It is my favorite orchestral piece, well, one of them.
Ok, so here is the everything happens for a reason part. Since I am in the lower orchestra my schedule is so much better. I have more time to make my education connections, practice for my lessons, and do what I came to do.
The only thing that makes me a little sad is that I like to do well at everything. It is tough knowing that I didn't. I really bombed my audition. I haven't had a good orchestral audition experience ever. Sometimes I feel like everyone got on this boat of learning how to audition for orchestra and I missed it because I was in the bathroom or something.
Learning orchestral audition excerpts and actually auditioning is a skill. A skill which I have not honed. I want to learn it so I can help my future students, and so that I can take an audition and say, good job self...see you can do it.
I have a lesson today and am going to talk to my teacher about this. I just cannot believe how badly I was shaking in my audition. I am pretty sure my Schumman Scherzo was one big shake fest. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason and when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Speaking of tough this Rodney Yee dude on my Yoga Burn video is in ridiculous shape. Woah.

Dream Home

Whenever I walk into Anthropologie, I feel like I've died and entered my dream home. I love their kitchen ware. I have some mugs and plates and things, but I would love to go all out and have everything.
The colors are so bright and beautiful.
Their bedding is also gorgeous and homey. Maybe one day when I am rich and famous I can have an Anthropologie styled home...or I could try to copy it on a budget. We shall see, until then, I can dream.
Actually, I had a very profound experience in an Anthropologie in the summer of 2005. I was with two friends and we popped into the Anth. at Perimeter Mall in Atlanta. I wandered away from where they were looking and went to the housewares section and lost myself in the bright red, green, yellow, and blue coffee mugs. At that exact moment of self absorpotion I had this little vision/day dream of the man I would marry and be with. Here was the seen. I was in our small apartment kitchen, which had a window that overlooked the outside staircase and "he" was coming up the stairs coming home from work. He was taller than me, not 100% America, he had olive skin, dark eyes, and dark long hair. He was a musician and was coming home to our modest but wonderful life.
I forgot about this little vision/day dream for quite some time until I started dating my Kevin, who just happens to be 1/2 Cuban, have olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes. Sometimes just thinking about it gives me the chills since it was about 7 months before Kevin and I went on our first date. After that date I called my mom and told her that I had been on a date and there was something different. I felt like there was truly something there. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Shopping.

So, today I went shopping and practiced and had a wonderful time. I love it here. Coming to school here is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to Loehmann's for the first time today and was slightly overwhelmed at first, then found some adorable things for fractions of the retail price. I had my first giant open dressing room experience. Crazy. Lots of ladies...lots of changing ladies ranging from ages 20-60. NO joke. Woah. Let's just say that Loehmann's can be visually overloading experience.

Bouquets of Sharpened Pencils

Isn't New York beautiful in the fall?
Actually, it is still hot as hell here, but it is beautiful today. Tropical Storm Hanna came plowing through yesterday and now the air looks cleaner, the sky is clear, and it is gorgeous. To understand how gorgeous it is today, I need to paint how hideous it was yesterday. Let me start with the morning conversation with Sarah about our Saturday plans.
So, here's the dialogue between me and Sarah:
"I really want to go to the Village and get cupcakes still"
"It looks like it is going to get worse as the day goes on, but we could go, and then if it starts to flood we could head back"
"Ok, I really want to go"
"What are we shopping for?"
"Oo, a black purse, black skinny jeans, skinny blue jeans, brown pants, white tanks..."
So we get to the Village and the sun is shining we stand in the line (the line that wraps around the building outside of Magnolia Bakery) and get our cupcakes. We took them over to the park and I devoured mine like a savage and Sarah savored every bite. We avoided the park brawl between the crazies in the corner, and then it started to sprinkle. So, I took out my umbrella, and we sat and then popped into Marc Jacobs where I almost died of closterphobia, and then the rain picked up a little more and we went into more shops and then the bottom fell out...We were soaked, but thought we could pop up to Prince Street to shop there...we got on the subway...with the rest of New York and sweated in a soaked, hot, crowded slow subway car...we actually sweated in about 4 subway cars...and then remembered that it was possible that the city could flood so we high tailed it uptown to Harlem where we got off and walked back to school. As we approached the school the wind picked up and the rain poured harder...
Ewww.
I promptly ordered my rainboots online for I will not be stuck in another rain or snow and not have the proper foot attire. My boots are adorable actually...here is a picture. I used to make fun of people who would wear them, but I think it is because people in Florida...especially Tallahassee, are a little confused about cold weather gear. I used to see people wearing UG boots in the winter in Tallahassee and it was only 60 degrees, DUMB! Also, girls would wear those rainboots at completely inapporpriate times with inappropriate leg wear.

These are a necessity. NY is disgusting when it rains. So, my trench coat is beautiful, but I don't think I got one that is water proof. Damn.

Ok, so back to the story. Basically, Sarah and I ended up watching Curb Your Enthusiasm for hours and then talked politics...(yay liberals!!!).
It is so nice to have a friend who thinks critically and cares about what is going on the world.

So, today, we are post Hanna and it is beautiful. The calm after the storm is so refreshing. It is like all the yuck has been washed away.

Kevin is booking his ticket to come see me today! I can't wait. He had dinner with Winter and Mark last night, and I am jealous of all of them for getting to see each other. Not fair.
I may be in NYC, one of the greatest citites in the world, but it cannot even compare to being with the people you love. Muah!

Bob Dylan Lyrics

Blowin' In The Wind

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

The Answer My Friend is Blowin' in the Wind, the Answer is Blowin' in the Wind

Most days, recently, Kevin and my conversations turn to education, students, the state of America, etc. Each day we grow increasingly aware of how wonderful are lives our. We realize how amazing are parents are(were). We realize how good we had/have it. Kevin has some kids in his school that really have some rough situations. I used to think that since I lost my dad, my parents were divorced, blah blah blah...that I had tough. The truth is that I haven't haven't had it easy, but it could have been a lot worse. Now, this does not discredit the pain and heartache that I have had. Every person has their trials and tribulations. Losing dad, the way we lost Dad, was a nightmare. The months following losing Dad were horrible. However, losing a loved one is something that everyone will experience is his life. Not everyone will experience having parents who care(d) and who love(d) and I do/did. The tough knocks have just made me tougher, made me see the world in a different way, made me see myself in a different way. Here are the things I have learned:
You can only be where you are.
What doesn't kill you does indeed make you stronger. (My family is living proof in so many ways)
You cannot change your past.
You cannot cling to your past, you can only grow from your experiences.
Your reactions are your responsibility.
The only person you truly compete with is yourself.
What goes around really does come around.
Some people are not worth your time or energy.
Weed your friend garden, its healthy.
Take care of yourself.
Notice the small things around you.
Grief comes in waves, but like waves will eventually pass or become substantially smaller.
Life is short.
Life is tough.
Life is a gift.

Forget the Hassel at Laguardia, Come to MSM Like I Did...

In a time machine, pictured to the right.
Ready to travel back to 1978?
OK! Just enroll in classes and deal with the registrars office at MSM. I am headed back with my pen and paper to drop and add classes....have these people heard of online registration? Why yes they have! You know what their response was? It was as follows: "This system has worked for us for 30 years...why should we change it?"
My answer...as musicians we are constantly changing and constantly reinventing how things were played from different musical eras. We can emulate how it was done many moons ago, but if that philosophy was true I would still be playing on a Baroque violin, women wouldn't be allowed to vote, the schools would be segregated, and let's see Elvis might be alive.
WHAT THE Fay U Could Keep (away from Florida a few weeks ago).

Looking for Boots

I need boots. I need waterproof boots that aren't hideous...is there such a thing? I need flat boots...I have wedge heel boots, but they don't get me far if I have to walk. There is this nice Aerosoles store down the street I may pop in this morning after I walk in the park and do my yoga. Well, actually I should practice first then I can pop in for shoes.
I got a new phone. I had this really busted one. Now I have a beautiful LG Chocolate phone. I highly recommend it. It is the cutest.
Another thing I need is a new yoga routine. I am getting to where my yoga journal dvd that Wintons gave me is getting too easy (which is a very good thing...people are always saying how fit I am and how defined my arms are...this is due to all those chatarangas and upward and downward facing dogs...that and all the underground street fighting I do...JK...I am not Tyler Durden...)
OK! Well. That was a funny little rabbit I just chased.

School/Cupcakes/Good Friends/Amazing Boyfriend

School starts today. Woo.... hooo!
I know, my enthusiasm is overwhelming.
So, last night, my friend Sarah and I took a little journey to Soho...well...yes I think it was some part of Soho. We popped up on Prince Street and then went down Spring in search of yummy food for a post audition celebration. The plan was to eat a quick bite and do a little shopping. Ummm. We definitely went down the wrong way on Spring. Wow those neighborhoods change fast. We searched and searched for food and there was hardly anything. We couldn't believe it. We finally found a bar and thought, yummers Nachos! However, when we walked in the bar we were the only women in there. EWWW! The men were nasty. I mean gross. We hightailed it out of there and popped down some other streets.
Sarah is wonderful. She is one of those great people who you can enjoy being around all the time. If you want to be quiet, she's fun, if you want to be cranky, she's fun, and if you want to be crazy, she's fun too! I am so glad we're here together and that I have a like-minded friend. We were both about to have blood sugar crashes, or maybe we already crashed and we were about 6-10 blocks from our subway, when I remembered there's a Dean and Deluca right next to the subway. We voted and unanimously decided to scrap the food and shopping and just get treats from D and D.
So, two haggard students ordered pastries and split a mocha. No joke. Within 2 bites, we were different people. Yum!
Our reward this next week for finishing the first week of school is a trip to the Village for Magnolia Cupcakes.
Kevin is coming for Thanksgiving. I keep looking and exploring things for us to do here in the city that will be fun. He's the best really. I'm thinking we'll spend hours looking at books and cd's. I think he might just freak out when he sees the Barnes and Noble on 66th at Lincoln Center. There are 4 or 5 stories and the basement is all cd's and DVDs. The kid's gonna flip.
Then, my goal is to become more familiar with the cool parts of town so we can hang out there. I mean, we'll do the normal stuff too, but I want it to be really special for him. He needs and deserves the best vacation ever.

Starting Up.

Mom was here this weekend. We had a great time and went down to Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza, and Central Park. The most eventful thing that happened was on the subway. After shopping yesterday in midtown, we were waiting for the subway and when it finally arrived, like all people we ran towards the car with seats in it. There was something strange about this car though. The surrounding cars were full of people, people on top of other people. This one little car was pretty much empty and as soon as we stepped on we found out why. It felt like it was 90 degrees in there. There were people sitting and sweating. Everyone's reaction when they got on was the same. One man actually stepped on, felt it, and said "Oh No!" and ran to another car to stand in the air conditioning. Mom and I got off 17 blocks early so we could just get off that stupid hot car.
My orchestra audition is today and I am appropriately nervous.
I've been thinking a lot about the Teacher's College program here, and have decided that it all comes down to money. If it is free or close to it, I will do it. However, if not...I will get my certification at a different time and place.
Speaking of auditions. It is practice time. I need to run over that Schumman Scherzo a couple more times. Here I go!