"Remember, it is ALL an adventure." -B. Newdome


I used to have this philosophy that a situation is what you make it.
I'm wondering if maybe this week, my goal shouldn't be to just live day by day, because I clearly do not know how to properly do this. Maybe my goal should be to shift my mindset from what can this school give to me, to what could I do at this school and what could I do for the school?
One of my arguments for a bad environment is the morale of the students, the staunch conservatory feel and the way the program is set up. However, if there weren't people like me who didn't want to be the next soloist, or want to gouge the next violinists eyes out for an orchestral position, where would this school go? I mean, it could almost sink down into the Hudson river already, but what if there was no me here? What if there was no person who wanted to teach or who wanted to do something maybe slightly more creative and intellectual than the average bear?
Nothing would ever change. Not that I am the answer to some great change that is going to take place, but who knows what I could learn from this. Everything that has come to me in life has in some way helped someone else at one point or another. I don't want to miss an opportunity to do learn something else.
Honestly, I play at a level that only needs tweaking, I know what I like, and I know how to fix mistakes...so why have I let this place get to me? So I am a little burned out? Everyone hits plateaus. Kevin said something tonight that sparked a new light bulb in my head. He said a lot of times people hit walls when they go back to school. Maybe that is what this is. He suggested that I need to figure out if it is a wall or if it is the end of the road (my words not his concerning a career in music).
My first step towards a new outlook on my current situation is to talk to my teacher and be honest.
The other thing to do is do research on what other types of jobs are available. What other thing can I tack on or add or do to create a Nina job?
In one sense, the best thing I could do would be to become a teacher to instill the opposite of the mindset that is bred here. Maybe that would make it worth the loans and what not.
Kevin also said something else that was very helpful, he said that I shouldn't focus too much on what might be coming or what will be, but what is now.
My mom has also said the same thing and I am really grateful.
I feel the cloud of discouragement and of confusion beginning to lift, even though it is still hazy. Maybe I should just stick it out flaws and all...not as some character building exercise, which god knows I have had plenty, but stick it out because it is important for me to have a masters degree. Maybe the environment has more to do with my own personal aura than the schools. I have the power to overpower the jet black aura of MSM with a different beautiful bright color of my own. (Please forgive the new-age-i-ness of that previous sentence or two). If I believe what I preach...shouldn't I be able to prosper anywhere?
I hate asking these questions on a blog as if I am stupid f#@king Carrie Bradshaw from that inane show "Sex and The City," but I leave them out there anyway.