Like my sister...

I have trouble hearing songs my Dad loved. One day in Aspen I was in City Market when all the sudden out of nowhere "Tennessee Waltz" came on. Dad taught that song to me by ear and then would have me play it for him all the time. It is actually one of the songs I played for him the last time I ever saw him. Kevin and I played for him and his family. Dad cried the entire time. I played Tennessee Waltz, Amazing Grace, and may have played Rocky Top or some other songs that were special to him, but those two were the one that killed me. Watching his eyes fill up with tears as he listened to me play, made me know I was losing him.
When we had to leave the next day, I begged him to let me stay longer. I had to be back in Atlanta to pick something up from a violin shop, but I felt like I just wanted to stay with my dad. He had already gotten a little, I don't even know the correct word, by then. He said I could stay if I wanted, but that he had things to do. He didn't seem 100% anxious for me to stay. I cried all the way home from Dalton to Atlanta. Kevin was so sweet to me in the car. My gut told me that I would never see him again. As we drove away from his house I remember feeling so lost, so sad, so angry that this sickness was taking my Dad from me. While we were with him he kept talking about how awful he looked, he barely touched his food, he hugged us a lot, and he showed us places in Dalton and told us stories he had never told us before. He took us to the primitive Baptist Church and told us these hell fire and brimstone stories about being scared to go to the front. I can still here his voice singing "Sweetly and Softly Jesus is calling." It was chilling. Still is.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Miss him and wonder if there was anything I could have done better. Sometimes I wonder, if I had just stayed with him that afternoon...would that have made things better? The answer I know is no. By the end he didn't want us to see him. I think it was easier for him that way. I told him I was coming to stay and be with him the weekend of April 20 something. He told me not to come. He said I could if I wanted, but he had things to do. I remember having my feelings so hurt by that and even telling a friend about it. I had no idea what would happen not even weeks later. How could I have?