Engaged!

Kevin and I got engaged last week. Yay!
Very exciting.
I am home now. Leaving MSM is possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
I am actually going this morning to go talk to someone about starting a violin studio (by me! my idea...yeah) in a church program. I have also advertised lessons with some homeschool websites.
Things are finally going well for me and I feel good.
Connor is asleep on the couch right now. This morning he was snoring and making all sorts of cute puppers noises.
It is wonderful being here. Kevin is wonderful, I love this area. Even the view from outside the window is better than anything I've seen in a long time.
So, here is our Knot page. Haha. I know. It only took me about 3 minutes after getting engaged to advertise it.
We are very happy.
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/NinaBledsoe&KevinRay

and dolphin noises were heard for miles.

I'm sure you're wondering what in the world that title is about. Well, in high school, my best friend and I came up with all these weird phrases. For example, "he wants to have your babies","It's not always candy canes and unicorns," and "dolphin noises were heard for miles."
Well, I'm pretty sure dolphin noises were heard for miles in my life the past couple of days. For the first time in GOD KNOWS when, I've had a stream of good luck. I saw my family last weekend, which was wonderful and had a fabulous time in the beautiful sunny south. Then, I came back to wretched NYC and had a lovely day shopping with Toast. Later that evening I found out that I got tickets to a taping of the Martha Stewart Show!!! So, Toast and I get to go see Martha! I've wanted to do that for so long! Ok, there are lots of !!!! there, but you don't understand! I used to schedule my undergraduate classes around the 10:00 am Martha Show. Please.
After that, we found out that Mema does not have cancer, then I was walking down the street and saw Laura Linney, one of my favorite actresses, then I found a penny heads up, like Mema would do, then let's see :)...what else happend...oh yea, the most important KEVIN IS COMING TO be with me and then we are MOVING ME OUT!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ok...The "Eeee's" are the dolphin noises that were heard for miles from glee.
Plus mom got a new puppy!!! what a cutiepatootie!

American Tune

Words & music by Paul Simon


Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

I choose: E.) None of the Above

I am not a good test taker. I have always been thrown by questions that had too many answers that included A) one answer B) another answer C) a different answer D) a stupid answer E) none of the above and F)all of the above G) just answer A and B...
You get my point. Sometimes you do not know which answer is correct.
you know D) is wrong, but the other ones seem wrong too...but wouldn't E) none of the above, be too easy to be right? How can you be asked a question and the answer not be there in front of you?
I'm figuring out that life is this test, the one with all these options. I never want to choose none of the above. It scares me. Most of the time I don't even consider it as an answer.
The reason I am ranting on this is because I have been thinking back to when it came down to making graduate school decisions. There were flaws with each place. No answer seemed to fit 100%, I just couldn't see that the answer E) none of the above, was even an option. It was like I scanned the question too quickly and thought, well A) UM is bad, B) UW-M doesn't seem right, C) Eastman ruled itself out and D) MSM---never liked but loved the teacher....I didn't even see E) NONE OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!
The great thing about that none of the above answer is that there are other possibilities not even mentioned on the page.
I couldn't see that.
I mean, maybe that option wasn't there in my state of mind last March, but you know...I see it now. It's almost as if I took an entrance exam, failed it and am just now taking the real exam. From now on every time I am faced with some huge decision I will remember that there is always another option: None of the above, and I will dare to go in a different direction.

Oh. I am always amused when people tell me they read my blog. Thank you...thank you for reading. :)

She's Beauty and She's Grace She's Miss United States....

So. That song was stuck in my head all weekend. My little sister was in a beauty pageant this weekend. She was in the Miss Northwest Florida Pageant. It was the first beauty pageant I ever attended. I have to say, Cason was wonderful. She was beautiful. She got two awards: Miss Congeniality and First Runner Up! Pretty good for her first pageant ever. She's amazing.
YAY! Cas!!!
I was so proud. Still am.

So, I have nothing to do this week except teach today. Kevin is coming on Saturday! (I can't wait.) I think I need a manicure, because I don't know if you've seen my hands, but they need help. My nails are looking a little raggedy. I can't have raggedy nails y'all.

I may just walk myself down to get a manicure.
Then after that I think may bop down to 50th and go to Anthropologie. Who knows?
Maybe I might even break out my violin...who knooowwws?

Ummm. I am Pam...from The Office.



Umm. Yes.
What am I going to do today? I think I may go shopping and maybe just might go to the Met again. I am trying to decide. I have all day with nothing to do until the orchestra concert tonight.
Bonnie is going to do my make up tonight because I never wear any make up...except mascara.

At the end of the episode Pam sums it up best...."I'm coming back the wrong way...I really didn't like it...I just really wanted to come home and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do."
Me.

Weirdest Dream of My LIFE!

Don't eat a salad from Whole Foods too late at night...you will have odd dreams...such as this one:

Kevin and I were somewhere. I couldn't tell where, but he was going to propose and I was really excited about it. So, I am running around doing my own thing while Kevin is doing his own thing. It We go to eat some dinner and dessert and he told me I would really like my dessert. I knew the engagement ring was in the piece of cake, so I started tearing it up with my fork. So, I found the engagement ring and it was really weird looking. It was yellow gold, had spiky pearls, and blue feathers on it. It was also a ring set of wedding ring and engagement ring. I tried really hard to pretend like I liked it, but those aqua feathers were something else. The rest of the dream was me and Kevin trying to figure out what to do with the ring. It was so hideous. I wish I could draw a picture of it...wait ...maybe I can. I just made it in paint...here it is.

I told Kevin about the dream this morning and he thought it was funny, I think and told me I had nothing to worry about.
He is the sweetest in all the land.

What an odd dream though. I think part of it was that Bonnie and I were talking about King Cakes yesterday and about how she would always find the baby in the cake at Mardi Gras. Then Bronwyn and I were talking about me and Kevin late last night. So, I guess it was just on my mind. How strange. Oh well. Yesterday was a strange day anyway. I don't think I should olives on salads too late at night anymore. Who in the world has ever heard of a ring with feathers on it? Never in my life.

For about two seconds I thought it was Thursday.
That would have been nice.
I'm a wee conflicted at the moment about leaving school before the semester is over. I mean, I am feeling better than I was earlier, but I am wondering if I feel better because I am relieved that I'm leaving or if there is actually a reason to stay.
Hmm.
I need to think on this one.
The thing is, I think it would be better not to have grades, that's one of the main reasons I want to leave. When I reapply to grad school, my credits are not going to transfer from MSM. I am going to have to start all over again anyway.
I was really down last week about being here, but it isn't as bad this week. Hmm...Maybe it is because it is sunny.
I need to reflect.
Any thoughts?

Ewww. I don't want to go to class today.
It is beautiful outside though. That is nice. Today is busy. I have aural skills, history, teaching, then orchestra.
On a brighter note, I am going to Tallahassee this weekend and cannot wait! My wee sister is in a beauty pageant. She is a beautiful person. I am so proud of her. I can't wait to see her dress. Oh my! Dresses!
Actually, speaking of dresses, I want to find a dress to wear in the recital that Eddie and I are giving in February. I mean, I have time, but I always like to plan ahead. Maybe Eddie and I can coordinate again. If Eddie and I do anything well, it is looking good and coordinating outfits. Why can't everyone be as beautiful as me? ---Me? Think I am awesome?---Never---
So. I was thinking yesterday about the things I am going to miss in NY. I will miss the the crispness of the air, the brunch places on every corner, the lighting in my room, the Barnes and Noble on 66th, the Anthropologie on 50th, the Met, and maybe Westside Market, other than that I think I will survive just fine.
One of the things that surprises me is that I feel so excited about leaving and being able to practice on my terms.
Kevin and I were talking last night about how great he feels being in control of his life. I feel like I need to do that.
I got in touch with my high school orchestra director and she is going to try to help me get some students and maybe hire me as a clinician. Yay! Jobs!
Only 18 more days people. 18. I am going to make the most out of every one. Like Beth said, do everything I want to now so I don't look back and say, "I wish I had done that while I was living in NY."

My sistar and I had a very fun time this weekend. We went to the Cloisters, which makes you feel like you are not in NY, which automatically makes me like it. We went to the Met, and spent a few hours there and only saw part of one floor. We walked through Central Park, saw a black squirrel and ate yummy salads. It was a very nice weekend and just what I needed to help boost me through my last few days until Kevin gets here. If all I had to do in NY was walk through museums and through Central Park on a beautiful day, then it wouldn't be so bad.

No TV

Since I have no TV, I watch shows the next day online on Hulu. This morning I'm watching The Office. Very good show. It makes me laugh.
Although, this boy just told Pam that she should stay in NY for the art scene and I would have to say no. Leave Pam leave. Jim is much better than NY.
Ok, I am writing about a TV show, Oh...My....have I completely lost my mind? It is possible.

um. I take most of that back.
I'm ready to come home.
Forget 40 days in the desert. I just realized I've already put in more than 40 days in this wasteland. It is time to come home.

40 Days

Left in the desert known as MSM.
If Jesus could do it...can't I?
I mean, those Israelites wandered around for 40 years, I can last about 40 more days right?
Not in any way do I think I'm Jesus or an Israelite in the Bible, but I feel as though I am doing my share of wandering through the rough times at the moment.
On my way down to the Mitzi Newhouse Pavilion (oh honey please...that is a fancy name for the shittiest cafeteria known to man housed in the lower level of MSM) I realized that I only had 40 days (well 42) left in this hell-hole. I wondered, as I wandered, if Jesus was tested and left out in the desert for 40 days and came out OK couldn't I?
One of my teachers today pointed out that we only have 4 classes left. It made it sound so doable. The class is extremely painful, but I could have a little countdown and let that be one of my goals. All I have to do is sit in that horrible classroom that smells like a gym locker room (because they have classes in there all day and the school is not well ventilated...I am sure that we all may die of asbestos poisoning...but that my dears is beside the point) 4 more times plus the final exam. I thought about changing my ticket to the 18th of December so that I wouldn't have to sit in there for the final exam and could take it early. That sounds nice to me. However, I might get some kind of satisfaction by completing it to the bitter...oh so not bitter end.
Why is it called bitter end? I can't think of anything less bitter than being finished here. Maybe it should be glorious end to a bitter situation. Yes. That's it.
Well, here I go to wander like Jesus.

Online Shopping

I ordered some clothes from GAP the other day and they were delivered two days ago. I ordered the argyle sweater, a yellow button down shirt, a dress shirt, and a white cami.
When I opened the package on the elevator, I saw the yellow shirt. Online it looked like it was a pretty mustard yellow plaid. When I got it in person it was actually vomit yellow. You know the kind that looks like you ate a hot dog with lots of French's mustard and and then ate strawberries and blueberries. It was the ugliest shirt I have ever seen in my life. So, I returned it. The dress shirt was awful also. It looked like it had a Victorian collar on top of a potato sack with a belt that went around my hips. It was suppose to tie at my waist, but because of my smallness and the shirt's hideousness it tied at my hips. I looked awful in it. I could barely get that stupid collar over my head. So I returned the vomit plaid and the Victorian potato sack. Sometimes online shopping just isn't the best.
Well, I have almost completely decided to withdraw before the semester is out. This place makes me ill. I try so hard to take it day by day. Luckily my sister is coming tomorrow and then the following weekend I will be back in beautiful Tallahassee, and then the following weekend the love of my life will be here with me. I hope he takes me back home with him.

I can tell my kids...

that I voted for Barack Obama, the first black president.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping. Obama was ahead in the polls, but he hadn't won yet. I stayed there in my bed tossing and turning until I couldn't handle it anymore. I got up checked at sometime during the 11 o'clock hour, and saw that Obama had won by a landslide. As I was reading the articles about the first black president of the United States a wave of emotion washed over me. Within seconds of finding out I heard screaming and starting looking for the origin. I opened my window and saw hundreds of people running and walking through the street up Broadway yelling "Obama!" and general exclamations of joy. Never in my life have I seen this. Growing up in the South in the 80's and 90's, it is not likely for people to "take to the streets."
Kevin and I have talked frequently about "taking to the streets" and how people used to do it, but not so much anymore in America. I heard a political analyst say that nothing like this has happened for my generation since the 1960's. It is very exciting.
Another thing I did last night was search for and read European news articles about the US election.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/uselection2008/

elections make me nervous...especially when I see that the county I voted in was overwhelmingly for McCain. Scary...shame on you Nassau County.
I wish I could have voted in Leon or Miami-Dade. At least there I would have been among friends.

a.m. Upset...

For some reason, the past two mornings have made me really upset. Not upset in the Oh my god I'm still here in NYC upset, but the upset where you are drinking your coffee and then have a mouth full of grinds.
My coffee filters are not completely filtering the coffee grinds and there are little bitty grinds in the bottom of my mug and coffee pot. It is very upsetting. My coffee tasted so good and then got all gritty. I am quick to blame the eco-friendly filters. The directions on the box says to fold the seams, so I do. It makes the filters fit better in the little filter basket, but I think it might be ripping just a little bit.
Now, even more exciting than my ripping coffee filters: fabric stores and Martha tickets. I just sent in a ticket request for me and Bonnie to go see a Martha Show taping in December. I also need to find a stamp store here in DooDoo NYC. Here I go to find a stamp store.

Out of all the Charlie Browns you are the Charlie Browniest...

That might be me. Out of all the Nina Grays I am the Nina Gray-iest.
I'm watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas." I've already watched the Halloween and the Thanksgiving ones. I think "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is my favorite. Oh my.
My goal for this week is to try to get tickets to a Martha Stewart Show taping and to find some craft shops to spur my creativity.
Oh My...Connor is my Snoopy! I miss Con Con Bon Bon. Apparently he has not been a good boy everyday. Little Teense. I can't wait to be there with him. Yesterday I was day dreaming about being back in GA and me and Teense walking around a neighborhood or the Kennesaw Battlefields. He loves to run around my Mema's yard. I am looking forward to so many things. I just need to find a way to be level here until I leave. Maybe little field trips will make me feel better, like my little projects to find tickets and craft shops and research sewing machines and maybe finding teaching books and rubber stamps. I also need to do a little Christmas shopping...buying things for other people always makes me feel better.
The Christmas decorations are going up in the store already. I can't help but feel a little sad at Christmas. I think that is why I like the Charlie Brown Christmas. I love when they decorate that little tree. Linus wraps it in the blanket and they decorate with Snoopy's decorations. I want a wee tree.
I think a lot about life lessons. I try to figure out if maybe the reason I am here in this horrible place is to learn some grand lesson that I won't truly understand until later. Most life lessons are like that. You can't see the point in the dust storm, only when you are out of it. I must say that there is starting to be a silver lining in this dark cloud known as the MSM days.
There are things I am grateful for about coming here though. I know more about what I want and what I don't want. I am learning to put myself first and take care of myself. I am learning that. I guess that what lifetimes are for.

bags are prettier with my initials tattoed on them.

Welcome November!
If it is November, then it is almost December, which means I am almost home.
Well, I was reading through my Mary Engelbreit magazine last night and had a thought. I remembered how I used to want to sew and then never really did...it is a long story...but now I am headed back home and thinking that for the first time in a long time I am going to do things I have always wanted to do like take sewing lessons and maybe even some cooking classes. I have a shot at being happy and finding out what really makes me tick and I am going to take it.
I had an epiphany...I love Vera Bradley bags...I love monograms on Vera Bradley bags...I love soft towels...I love monograms on soft towels, I love sheets and I love monograms on soft sheets...this all got me to thinking. What do these things have in common? Monograms!!! If a bag is pretty alone it is even prettier with my initials tattooed on them. So, in my few fantasy of taking up sewing again after a 13 year slump, I am also going to learn to do embroidery and learn to monogram. I may even start doing it for other people if I am good at it. It can be my little creative business on the side of my lessons. I mean, most of my lessons will be taught after school so this could help me earn some money and be something creative and fun.
I also miss stamping. I used to be really into rubber stamping and making stationery. I think I will also get on that again. Also! My friend and I have been talking about opening a little store together, in about 5 years, that would be eclectic. I could do all the monogramming there too! Oh my!!! This sounds amazing to me. I miss my crafty side and feel like I had to squelch it when I was working in my undergrad. I am ready to let my creative side out and have a feeling that it will help my music, my playing, and my teaching.

life is expensive

why is life so expensive?
For those of you who don't know...my truck needs major repairs. The transmission is busted. Last weekend the window fell to the bottom of the door, the battery is corroded...well was. Mema and Kevin had to get it fixed since I wasn't there to take it in myself. Mema's car guys did a full body look over of my truck and told her she was lucky to have made it to the shop. The truck has over 100,000 miles on it. So, the window and battery are fixed and now we are waiting for the parts to come in for my new transmission. There was a brief conversation about selling the truck. However, the back end is falling off (extensive body damage) and the transmission is bust. The repairs are actually costing close to what the truck is worth, but I can't sell it how it is. I can't drive it how it is...so it's time to fix it. I love that truck. Not even going to lie. That truck is amazing. I miss it.

caffeine...

got to kick it.
I have switched to 1/2 caff coffee. I am not sure this is going to work, but with my recent heart racings I have decided to cut some of the caffeine while in school here. Honestly, I think a lot of my heart beating craziness is due to anxiety and stress. A neighbor and I were having a conversation yesterday about how anxious he is and how the school makes him anxious. I agree. When I leave the school I feel so much better.
Enough about that...I am about as worn out as a person can get over this election. I hate how all of this just lags on and on. I cannot wait until next Tuesday when all of this will be said and done.
So, I feel as though the orchestra schedule here had a direct influence on how sick I got a few weeks ago. I was not sick a single day until that orchestra schedule started. Also, I was not able to do yoga every day like I was before. So, I am going to do an experiment and take my vitamins everyday and do yoga everyday no matter how early I have to get up when orchestra starts on Monday. If Iget sick again, I do not know what on this earth I will do.

I just found and ordered an argyle sweater. I like classic looks and it is cold here.
Yay. I am so excited about going home. I have about umm, how many weeks here left? Until December 19th. Now, I've got little goals/marks to look forward to almost every weekend until I leave. My sister is coming next weekend, then the following weekend I will be in Tallahassee, then the following weekend after that Kevin will be here for a week. That is Thanksgiving week, and then there are only two weeks left. One of the last two weekends my mom is going to come and help me move out! MOVE OUT! Yay!!!! So if I do that kind of math, I am out of here in about 4 days.
I haven't been this happy in a long long time. I remember over the summer just having this pit in my stomach about coming to MSM. I was not excited at all. I was actually dreading it. I had no happy feelings about coming. Then I got here, thought it would be ok, then it became glaringly obvious that I needed to leave. Now, I have this new plan of just leaving. Leaving and teaching some violin lessons in GA. I am so excited about it. I am not making any more plans than that thought. My teacher here thinks it is a good idea not to make too many future plans. I just need to take care of me for a while and not jump from one thing to another. I've never done anything like this in my life. I have always just pushed through and kept going because it was what I was supposed to be doing. Says who? I don't know, but now I am going to do what I know is right for myself. The registrar yesterday said, "What are your plans? Where are you going to transfer?" I said I don't know and that I just need some time off. He said "Only you would know what is best for you." He's right. Only I know...and I do.

Turning in my withdrawal form lifted about 1,000 pounds off of my shoulders. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I was genuinely smiling and happy as the registrar stamped it and put it in my file. I cannot wait to leave.
Bonnie and I saw "The Secret Life of Bees" tonight. I really loved it. I cried through a lot of it. I cried when I read the book. There weren't many people in the theater, but it is a Wednesday night, so I guess that is normal. The movie made me miss the South. I miss the fields and the sunlight. The sunlight in the south is gorgeous. I never want to live in another big city ever. I want a small house with a yard in a small(ish) town with access to civilization. I want to be the local violin teacher, maybe even teach at a community college, who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be here and I know that for the first time I love where I came from and cannot wait to go back. Funny how life comes full circle like that?
Hopefully Kevin and I can rent a house or something next year with a little yard where the light streams in through the trees. A place where Connor can run around, a place where I can go running and not feel like I am taking my life in my hands, a place where I can grow a little garden, a place where I can sit in the grass, where we actually need a lawn mower. I'm beginning to see what my Dad always talked about with the disintegration of American life and land. I see now why he wanted so desperately to leave us property. He always said that would be the most valuable thing. He wanted us to own land, to own land where there were trees and yards. I see now exactly what he was talking about and why he sought out land. Now, it is my turn.

People who freely share their religious views care nothing about the person's they are talking to.
Yesterday I had someone freely give me some "Christian" advice. I almost wanted to tell her where to stick that advice, but sat politely instead. I needed her signature on my withdrawal form.

Moving on.
I had a wonderful weekend with my Kevin and Connor.
Connor practically mowed me over when I got in the apartment. I miss those boys and cannot wait to be there full time in December.
I have a stupid coaching...I will finish this later.

Watch This
Yo Yo Ma is the Guest.

This is me studying for my Renaissance history test. Good Job Me.

So this cold turned out to be an acute upper respiratory infection complete with canker sores, dehydration, and a bad reaction to cold medicine, which made my heart rate so high that I was not released from the ER for two hours.
Yes. The ER. On Friday I did three of the scariest things you can do alone. Usually these individual experiences are enough to send someone over the edge. How about all three in one day?
So. Last Friday I woke up to someone in my throat popping and oozing down my throat, I was supposed to fly to see Kevin that afternoon, but I thought. Oh my. If this is strep and one of those white things just popped, I am in big trouble. So, I scooted myself over to the ER because who can find a doctor in NYC at the drop of the hat? Ok, so here is number one. Going to a NYC ER alone. I sat with all the crazies and waited my turn for the nurse to look at me like I was insane and hold my hand. She took my heart rate twice, I found out an hour later it was because my heart rate was close to twice of what it should have been. Especially considering that I had not been running and had no fever. They kept asking me questions about what I had taken, how I felt, all these crazy things. Then they told me that I was dehydrated. Then they decided to numb my throat, then they set me up with fluids for an hour to try to #1 hydrate me and #2 get my heart rate down to safe and normal. Did I mention I was sharing a room with a woman who was having sever stomach pains? Oh yes.
Well, finally they diagnosed me with an acute respiratory infection. Viral...which means no antibiotics...which means...wait it out.
OK! So.
The next thing I did was grab a cab to go to the airport. I do not know how many of you have ever ridden in a cab at rushour in New York, but you truly do take your life into your hands. My cabbie decided I was late to my plane and proceeded to shave 5 years off of my life by weaving in and out of lanes and almost killing us by pulling out in front of 18-wheelers.
OK...the 3rd most favorite thing I endured Friday...mind you I had a killer sore throat...I mean really swollen with sores in my mouth...
I finally got to the airport and found out that...yes my flight had been delayed about 2.5-3 hours. I spent about 2 -3 extra hours in the airport. The flight was so turbulent that they didn't serve any beverages or those peanuts. I finally got to ATL at about 10:00 p.m...I should have been there at 7:30. I was supposed to go the Cheesecake Factory with Kevin for a nice dinner date and didn't get to eat until 11, which was OK because how can you eat all of that with a ridiuclous sore throat?

So...that was my day. ER...Cab...Airport...

Other than that...Kevin and I had a wonderful weekend. I cannot wait to move back in with him in December. My days are numbered here. I got my withdrawal form signed today by everyone but the director of student life!!! Yay!
Yay me.

Oh..on that front...today our orchestra rep teacher went on a 30 minute tirade about how you need to think long and hard about being a professional violinist. He said make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. He also encouraged us to ween ourselves off of our teachers and be our own musicians. He said they don't make them like they used to. Violinists...musicians that is.
He talked about playing under Bernstein...he talked about old musicians. He talked about how if we are here we are looking at mid range to low range jobs...OK...that sold me. The writing is on the wall.
I am outta here! and feel really good about it.

Sometimes I wish I was a little more aggressive about calling people out. I have gotten better about it, but still am not 100% ok with knowing when something should be said in professional situations.
First off let me introduce everyone in this next story and tell you where they work:
Me: Music teacher in MSM outreach program
Boss: MSM Employee, head of educational outreach
Principal: School principal of the school where MSM students come to teach music lessons in the afternoons.
Co-teacher: My partner in teaching violin, also an MSM student teacher in the outreach program

Last week I was very upset after teaching. My boss basically made me and another teacher leave three eight year olds on the side of the street in Harlem in rush hour. She said we were costing her money and to get into the hired car. Well, earlier she had said that it was imperative that we take the children across the street to the other side of the school because the traffic was bad and the children are used to their street being closed off during school hours. This only applies when it isn't costing our boss money I guess. My co-teacher and I were appalled.
Today, we got an email from the principal of the school where we teach saying that it was imperative that we personally escort the students across the street. This email from the school principal was sent to my boss who then forwarded it to all the music teachers. The email made me furious because of the way my superior forced us to leave students because it was "costing her money."
So, this afternoon I checked my email. My co-teacher wrote an email, hit reply to all (which included our boss and the school's principal, and basically said she (my co-teacher) was interested by this email because of the events of the first week of teaching involving our boss. She basically said our boss told us to leave the kids and what did everyone think of this situation?
I wanted to write the same email but didn't know if I could or not. I am so glad someone did.

I want to go home. Now.

blackberry sage tea...tastes better than it sounds and smells, which I find amusing seeing as ginger peach tea smells better than it tastes.

This cold is ridiculous.
I need for it to go away. Right now. Please.

I had another one of those moments where I thought maybe I will just take a leave of absence...and then I saw it. The review for the orchestra concert last Friday night.
This school is outrageous. The review was not complimentary, it basically said that the concertmaster thought that the orchestra was going to fall apart in one of the pieces. They actually quote her saying that. Amazing morale boost huh? Then, the review goes on to say that the group is primarily inexperienced undergraduates who need to take a good listen to the concert recording and then compare it to more experienced groups to see how it stacks up.
Ok...there are so many things wrong with this I barely even know where to start. All I know is that I want a copy of it to put in my file of evidence of how horrible this environment is.
Wow.
I am missing my USO/UPO and any Aspen Music Festival concerts right about now.
Wow.
I was shocked. Still am actually.
I packed up another box today to mail home. It feels good to know I am leaving.

boo

I just might turn into a vitamin.
I've been popping my wellness vitamins like there is no tomorrow and have half way successfully beaten the cold. I am not going to class today because I am exhausted and feel that if I do too much all my hard work to get rid of this junk will be undone. So, I am staying in my room, drinking tea, water, soup, and reading until my eyes fall out of my head. I am hibernating in my little space of a dorm room until my lesson tonight.
I cannot and will not be sick when I go home to see Kevin this weekend.
Exciting news...I have almost finished my NYU application. Hip Hip Hooray! I am now working on my personal statement, essay, and resume. I also need to gather up my recommendations.
How exciting?
I am thinking about taking a leave of absence instead of fully withdrawing next semester until I find out about NYU. Even though I hate it here, I do want to take lessons with Laurie and do not want to too hastily jump ship.
What are your thoughts?

warding off a cold.

Everyone here is sick. People are coughing and sneezing all over the place. My throat is a little scratchy, so I spent the day in bed yesterday watching movies and trying really hard to stop it before it starts. However, I would rather be sick right now than be sick over this coming weekend. The weather keeps changing between super hot and cold and windy. Plus, when you add the ridiculous orchestra schedule, which Bonnie's doctor says is abusive, it makes people sick.
This morning I started looking at some cars. Kevin is having car troubles. Wouldn't it be nice to have a Prius? I would love a Prius.
I love my truck though. I am going to get my truck all fixed up when I get home. I am going to ask Milton who should do the body work and then get that bumper fixed and get the paint touched up in a couple of places. Hoorah! Or maybe I will get it fixed in the Dina over Christmas and it can stay in the shop while Kevin and I are in Miami. Hey...that sounds like a good plan.
I need to shower. Maybe I should do yoga...maybe that would release some of this goo in my throat.

"A damn fine answer if I do say so my damn self" - Fletch in the movie Fletch
"If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest!" Beauty and the Beast
I have watched movies all day long minus the time I took off to go to the store for some ice cream.
I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat all day long. I felt it coming on last night and have been taking my vitamins and resting. I can't afford to be sick. Although, I would rather be sick this weekend rather than next weekend. I am going to see my Kevin next weekend.

I have a meeting next week with an adviser from NYU to talk about the M.A. with certification program.
I was thinking of popping down to NYU today to check it out and get a feel for the neighborhood. However, my throat is a little scratchy. I don't feel sick, but would rather not go all around making it worse. I can keep a cold from coming on if I just hang out and take it easy today. There are all kinds of people sick right now so I am going to do my best to make sure I don't get sick and the scratchiness doesn't turn into a cold.
We had our first orchestra concert last night and let me just say that it was very empty.
However, I did love the conductor. He is the cutest old man. His conducting was very clear and he was very encouraging. I found myself being more amused than anything else at my 17 year old stand partner, yet another reason I know I am in the wrong field of music. She was extremely overactive, but only in the really easy sections. She rushed, played out of tune, and bobbed and weaved all over the place when the music was easy enough for her to actually play all of the notes. She was what I call a "freak-out." I almost laughed out loud at one point because it just reminded me of how competitive I was and how cool I thought I was to be a freshman and playing in orchestra with older people. The look on her face was priceless when she asked what year I was. As I told her that I was a first year masters student a look of competition and unwarranted ego spread across her face. She will learn. Boy will she learn. I only recognized the face because I remember being her age and learning that my stand partner was older and thinking that I was better than he/she was. Oh kids. This girl has a rude...RUDE awakening coming to her when she realizes that it doesn't matter and that we are all in the same boat. She's green, as Kevin would say. Oh my. I guess some things never change.
Sometimes I muse over my change in priorities and my change in my view of reality.
I wonder sometimes how many grad students said the same thing of me. I know there had to be some that thought, "oh Nina...you will learn. You will learn." But, as an older student it isn't my place to put this girl in her place. Experience is the only teacher.
What amazes me is that there are still people, graduate students, that have this same girl's mindset. The other day, I met a recent MSM violin grad. He just got his masters and is now working a part time job filing papers and has a few students here and there. He has a masters degree and is a paper filer with close to $100,000 of debt.
Wow. Now that is living the dream isn't it? The sad thing is...this kid thinks he is waiting for his big break. I wanted to look at him and say, "Look Buster, you're how old? 25? 26? If your big break in violin hasn't happened yet, it isn't going to." Sad but true. Oh well. At least he did what he wanted to right?
Hmm. Honestly...I'd rather have health insurance and a steady paycheck and play chamber music on the side than file papers and wait around for orchestra positions to open up.
I am really proud of my decision to leave MSM.
I am also really proud of myself for coming here and figuring this out on my own. Now, I just have to get NYU to fall in love with me. If not NYU there are other schools, there are other programs. The search has begun.

Ok.
Now. This roller coaster I have taken you on about my life I sure has left you dazed and confused and thinking that I might possibly be insane. However, I think I have found the solution. (For real this time) Let me set this up for you and the set up the way my mind got here. Here it is: After much turmoil in my mind about my personal and my professional life I realized a few things. I realized that I am very young, I am very much a violinist, I want to be a musician, I want to calm it down a little and deal with some really hard things I've overcome in my life, I want to teach, I want a masters degree, I want to study with Laurie, I want to get certified as a teacher, and I want to be near my family. In the next breath, I don't want to be in a masters program that isn't right for and is costing me thousands, I don't want to be in debt, I don't want to be unemployed when I graduate. I want a job with security. I want to help people.
So, I started looking around. How can I still study with Laurie? How can I take some time off? How can I? Ahh!
I began looking at different graduate programs at different universities. I checked out Indiana, Columbia, the SUNY schools, and then I came up on NYU. NYU offers a program where you can get your masters in music education and get certified at the same time. NYU also lets you study privately with whoever you want to in the city. Hmm...sound good to anyone?
Kevin still has two years at his school and this program takes about two years. If I could get in and get a scholarship or an assistantship, I could move back home in December, make some money, live with Kevin, heal a little, put myself back together, then move back to NY in August to start a more realistic and fitting degree in an environment more suited to my needs, personality, and career goals, AND study with Laurie.
I knew I'd figure this out eventually, but there is such a weight that is off coming to this realization. I offered this idea to Laurie in my lesson last night and she loved it. She said she would definitely take me as a student again and agreed that going home next semester was the best thing for me.
We talked about how this semester isn't a waste at all but an investment in myself. If I hadn't come, hadn't tried, I would have never known.
So, now what? Apply to NYU. I am going to go down there, it is only about 5.5 miles from where I live now, and talk to the people and find out what the program is about and see if it would be a good fit. Yesssss.

Someone told me yesterday that sometimes you have to fall apart to being able to be put back together in a different way.

I liked that.

I've been thinking a bit about that today. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Music History. Today, I was letting my mind wander as the girl behind me kicked my chair and I practiced self control and breathing techniques...I am in control of my reactions only...I can breathe through this...the entire class...Thanks girl who kicked my chair and the people who constantly chattered for 50 minutes. Thanks. You guys are helping me hone my relaxation in tense environment skills.

Ok, so to the point I go. I thought for the first time about how young I am. I'm only 23. All I've known is school and violin. Then it hit me. I remembered the graduate students I respected in high school and an undergrad. They weren't the 22 and 23 year old people. The ones I liked and respected were 25 and 26 and had some life experience, work experience before they got their master degrees. I understand now why people don't blast right through. I haven't even had a chance to let the things I learned in undergrad settle and experience them as an artist. Wouldn't that be nice? Hmmm. Well...I have more to say but have to meet some people to return parts to the library....ahhhhh

What on this earth.
MSM: Manhattan School of Misery.
Honestly, every time I think, "Oh this is going better...I can stick this out..." something else happens. It never fails. The writing is on the wall.
Actually, the writing has been on the wall quite literally a few times. There is a building on Amsterdam that has a quote by Roosevelt about saving money and about how that is very important. Then I started reading a book that was about families and being happy, then the next book I read was about a girl who was a very competitive pastry chef from a well to do family who got offered a job that was "beneath her" but she is taking a chance to do it and be happy. She didn't want to be in the harsh environment anymore and was tired of pushing and pushing and just wanted to be happy. She even starts at a New York school and then a week later transfers to a culinary school. Hmm.. familiar?
The other one was yesterday, Bonnie and I were at Sarabeth's and there were newspaper articles from the 80's about being happy and being successful. Every where I turn the signs point to doing something else for a little while. Beth said it might not hit me on the head, but this is coming pretty close. It scares me a little to leave school though. Even though it is wretched here, school is all I know.
After seeing those kids yesterday where I am starting to teach I realized that I'm in a little bubble. A self hating, competitive bubble called a conservatory. It clicked...I realized that my skills as a violinist, my heart, my soul as a violinist won't diminish if I choose not to complete a degree here. As Beth said, it may open doors I never knew existed. So. There we go.

I am so tired at the moment, but still seem to not get into bed. I talked to mom for a long time tonight and that made me feel better.
I had a really good lesson today. I felt so much better than I have in previous weeks and lessons. Laurie and I started new. I'm playing Mozart 5 and it is going really well. It is a beautiful piece and she really likes my Mozart style playing. She says it is something you either have or you don't.
Mom said something interesting tonight...she said I'd been blessed with teachers. She's right. I have. Studying with Beth was no mistake. Beth led me to Laurie, which was no mistake either.
The past two months have been difficult ones. NYC is not a place for the faint at heart. Laurie and I talked tonight about how the music business is no sweet business. It will beat you up even if you don't have any emotional baggage.
Apparently I tote around a few extra heavy bags. For a long time I was able to keep it together, not show anything, just be...or at least I thought so...but now, I am starting to split at the seams a little. My cracks are starting to show. Tonight in my lesson, I realized that I pushed myself to all the goals over the past few years. I accomplished a lot, but now living out one of my goals I've had some time to do some personal inventory and really think and examine my choices and my life. Laurie pointed out that I made goals, one of them getting into my #1 Graduate School choice, which I did. Yay me. Now what? It was an interesting conversation.
Maybe a straight up withdrawal isn't the best choice...maybe I should take a leave of absence and then see where I am.
Here's another thing: The next time someone asks me what I do for fun...or what I do to enjoy myself...I want to have an answer. A good answer...I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

My mom just told me to think about happy things for ten minutes and focus on them. So, to help me focus here I go.
I am trying to remember a time I was really happy. I mean really happy, whether it was a moment or a series of moments...let me think.

1. The first thing that comes to my mind is the day that my Mom and Dad gave me my truck. A beautiful 2000 Black Dodge Ram. It was an afternoon after school and my parents came to pick me up. They had gone to Dalton that day to get some chairs or something, so I wasn't surprised to see them both outside the back of good ol' LHS with Tea Biscuit, our 1990's Ford conversion van. However, there were no seats left in the van. The only seats available were the driver and the passenger. So, me, being the sweet daughter I am, started climbing up in the back of the van to sit amongst the wicker furniture which was headed to the Beach House. My parents were grinning from ear to ear. They pulled me out of the back of the van and told me I could go home in something else...then I saw it. That beautiful 2000 Black Dodge 1500 Ram...V8 engine! I freaked out and my parents handed me the keys. I was only fifteen so my mom rode back with me and let me drive! It was amazing. I feel like since dad never had any sons the minute I started about wanting a truck he jumped on it and started looking. He picked the best one ever. There is a picture of me and Dad in one of my albums at home of us in the back of the truck the day I got it. We named the truck Rufus...and Rufus he is.
2. Another time I was really happy was when I found out I won the FSU Concerto Competition. I was the last one to audition, my accompianist and friend, Matthew played with me. He had gone a few people before me and played Rach. 3 Piano Concerto...a tough act to follow. But anyway, I was last. I had been working on the Bartok 1st Violin Concerto and was as ready as I was ever going to be. I had on my velvet black skirt, black heels, and a beautiful heart knecked black shirt. Beth, my teacher, snuck backstage to hear me play. I started playing...I did the first movement and then they asked for some of the second. I played and thought, huh, that went well...but we shall wait and see. I packed up my violin, chit chatted with Beth and Matty and went to the other side of Opperman for the results. It was nice not having to wait to long to find out. I slumped down on the bench and waited for the results. Dr. J. gave a little talk about how well everyone did and how good the auditions went and what an honor it was to be in the finals and then I waited for Matt to be crowned King of Concerto and Dr. J. announced the runner-up..."Matthew Cataldi!" I thought wow! Yay Matt, but who won if Matthew didn't? That flute player? Then he said and the winner of the 2006 Young Artists Competition is Nina Bledsoe. I just sat there. No joke...and looked at him like he was kidding and said "Really? Are you kidding me? I haven't won anything since the fifth grade?! I was so excited. I called my mom, called Beth, called Kevin, called my Dad, called Mema, and called Bronwyn and started shopping for a dress! Amazing day right before going hom to Thanksgiving.
3. Another really happy day was the day Kevin told me he loved me. We really hadn't been dating very long, but we knew it was right. I'd been wanting to tell him for a while and everytime I tried to get the words out I'd just fumble all over the place and end up saying "hi". No joke. He told me that he thought it might sound crazy, but that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and follow me wherever I went. I remember feeling like a day like this would never happen to me, to have someone I love love me back and mean it. Even our first date, I could tell there was something there. We both ended up at the UPO concert and sat in the back. For some reason this one was being held in Ruby Diamond and we sat on the back row in the center. He was originally sitting somewhere else and then came and sat with me. I was sitting there the entire time wishing he would ask me out and he sat there the entire time thinking of a way to ask me out. Then the concert was over...no asking out...then as we were walking out he said "you want to go get some coffee or something?" I remember exactly what I was wearing...brown capris and a little redish tank-top with my hair pulled back with a scarf. He looked adorable in his jeans and chuck taylors. We walked down to All Saints Coffee shop and talked for hours. I called my mom promptly the next morning and told her I had been on a date with someone who was going to be around for quite some time.
4. My dad used to leave me messages of Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again." He'd say "Well Hello Nina Nina Nina..." I miss it like crazy but it makes me happy to think about those days that I would get those messages. Another thing that used to make me smile was my dad's laugh and his silly voice. One time he called Connor, my dog, Boon Boon...Hell I miss him.
5. Ok...So now I need a really happy story to pop me up out of the previous one...Oh. Sometimes I get really happy when I see how fat some of the girls who were mean to me have become. I know that is really mean of me and superficial but it really makes my day to see them all gross looking and working miserable jobs. That is mean. I might be going to hell for that.
6. This is a recent Kevin story that makes me smile...According to some very reliable sources, Kevin is saving up for an engagement ring. :) But here is the cute story that puts a smile on my face. I was having a rough day and really upset a few weeks ago and Kevin had had his kids watch Mary Poppins...So as I was feeling all down and out Kevin started singing "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down! The medicine go doooown the medicine go down!" It was the cutest thing I have ever heard in my life.
7. Another really happy time I remember were those summers spent on the beach. We'd spend all day going back and forth from the beach to the pool without a care in the world. Maybe God let us have that time of comfort and carelessness as children because he knew what was coming...
8. Another great day was the day I got my violin with my Dad. Going violin shopping became the ultimate father/daughter activity around my junior year of high school. We went all over the place. I must have played hundreds of violins and the found one that not everyone liked...but I did. I think it was truly one of the first decisions I made that was purely my own. I went with what I liked not with what my teacher liked. I still have that violin and it has done me just fine...just fine :) Thanks Dad!
9. Oh! Another really happy time was when mom and I went on our college search. Our favorite place was Wheaton...too bad the teacher was a whack job. We ate at a Carrabba's and stayed at a cute little place. There is a picture of my with my Wheaton sweatshirt on and my hair all long that I feel captures me perfectly at 18. Content. Happy with my search. Happy in my family, just glad to be with my mom and wondering how I was ever going to go far away from my nucleus.
10. Another day that sticks out to me is the day Bronwyn and I went on a school field trip together to somewhere out in Dallas, GA and realized that we were going to be best friends. She had kind of hated me! Haha. She tells this story much better. Then we took this little road trip for Ms. Paul's history class and the rest is history. I also would put any trip to St. George with the Averetts up there on the happy list. Good times.

So here are some of my favorite memories that make me giggle:

• Hearing Francis Marlow say at a joint Nina/Cason birthday party "they are rocks that turn into jewels."
• When my dad gave up trips to Paris for our tenth birthdays.
• Going to Paris with my mom.
• Getting that sunflower playhouse kit from Brittany DeJarnett.
• Finding out I got into FSU
• Graduating from FSU
• Dating Kevin Ray, meeting Kevin Ray, moving in with Kevin Ray...pretty much everything Kevin Ray
  
• Hearing Ruth Allen Cantrell say in my backyard when we we maybe 10 "I'm too cool for bugspray."
• When my dad said "Ruuuuuuuuuuug"
• When Bonnie said "Nina! I don't know how to use the subway! I have to ask the vagrants which way to go!"
• Going to Wisconsin and staying with Bronwyn
• Having ladies lunches with Cason
• Hearing Cason on the Christmas video say "Nina...Nina will you go make me a cake over there" and "Momma look at my orange"
• Or when Cason told Dad not to get me in the picture because I had just hit her over the head for stealing my Gak.
• The day we went shopping at Nordstrom and the credit card company called my dad because of all the rescent and rapid activity on the credit card.
• Telling Cason that I was coming to see her in her first beauty pageant.
• Stepping off the plane when I came home from London
• Saturday mornings in the Bledsoe house meant playing barbies with Cason at 6 am and Dad and mom cooking really good breakfast with biscuits and gravy or pancakes. Sometimes we got to have candy bars and cokes.
• Going to the Varsity in a limo for a celebration. I had a pink and yellow umbrella.
• Sticking my tongue out in any picture taken of me pre high school..oh who am I kidding I still make faces in pictures.
• The feel of 1230 Cliffpine. Sometimes I remember things about that house and our life there and think what a great life it was.
• When that lady came and painted flowers on mine and Winters beds.

Sigh....I feel better. I'll be alright.

• 
  

Adult things.
This morning I did one of my favorite things. Paid bills. Don't you just love paying bills? I know I do.

Some days I have really good days. Others I don't. I'm not sure what today is. I want it to be a good day. So, I will make it one.

Here goes...

Yesterday I spent the day out and about. I had brunch outside and then walked down to the Betsey Johnson store and tried on a lot of dresses. I found one that I really loved. It was very different from anything else I have and fit like a glove. However, it costs over $300. It was so pretty though. The dress was green velvet with antique style lace on the cap sleeves and in a big V that went down the back of it. The description cannot do it justice. I cannot find it online, but I found this one which is similar. The green one goes just below the knee and have a different color lace and bow.

Betsey Johnson
	Romantic Silk Velvet Short Slip Dress 100% Silk VelvetDry Clean OnlyImported

The girl at the store is holding it for me, but I can't spend $300 on a dress at the moment.

I was talking with Kevin last night and realized that I am pretty much all over the place. I'm like a pin ball machine a lot of the time. I've made up my mind to come home...now what?

Sometimes, I don't think I want to do anything. I wish I could just laze about and not have to worry about a thing. I know that is not how it works, but sometimes you want to impossible, huh?

I hate it when people say things like "God moved me here" or "God told me to do this"
I doubt that.
For instance I read something today that said "God moved me...." to somewhere and I wanted to post and say I doubt that. Really?
God and her magic fairy dust sprinkled all over you and suddenly you got moved from GA to the other side of the country?
That is amazing. Wow? Really?
Ok God...its time to sprinkle some fairy dust on me...
Damn...I'm still here.
Wait....just got a message from God...oh nope...sorry that was the idiot outside near the elevator.
Really people? Really?

Home. I am going home.
I am so excited. Once I decided I needed to do this for myself a weight of a thousand pounds was lifted. I picked up my forms and everything and talked to the registrar. So, now all I have to do is wait it out and enjoy the time I am here, which can be done now that I know what I am doing.
My support system are the most important people to me in the world. There is nothing more important than they are. Last night I was on the phone with my best friend and she said that she knew that I would happy doing just about anything as long as I was with my support. She said she knew that I would go, heal where I need to, and then pursue music in a different way than I am now. She made a good point. My playing got the best when I was with Kevin and the semester Cason came to FSU. A coincidence? No! I was happy! Just knowing that I was with and around the people who love me gave me creativity, gave me the confidence to be a musician.
The other night on the phone Kevin even suggested that maybe I wouldn't want to quit if I was at home just playing music with him instead of being in this horrible environment. He is right.
Last night another friend and I were talking about the meaning of success. What is success? I feel like so many musicians have a skewed and narrow view and end up highly disappointed at the end. My views of success have changed also, which has broadened my range of happiness and fulfillment. When I do go back to get my masters in music, it will be for me, because I want to, because it is the right time and the right environment.
I want to go somewhere more academic where I have to research and find things out for myself. I've even considered doing the education thing just so I could do research and get a doctorate. Musicians are fascinating people. The psychological issues that swirl around musicians are also very interesting.
So, for you people out there worried that I am walking away from music...don't worry. It cannot be done. Just trust me on this one. Ok? I know what I am doing. The music business is too horrible and rough to not be nice to yourself. That is all I am doing and it feels right.

New books.
I finished my other book earlier in the week and have found reading to be one of the best coping mechanisms here. To be honest, I was never much of a reader growing up. In the first grade I had a traumatic experience which turned me against reading. It was in 1991. I was looking through the 3rd and 4th grade level books of the library and picked up a big chapter book to read. Our librarian saw me standing in this section and came over to me and told me that book was too difficult for me and tried to point me in the direction of the first grade level books. However, what she didn't know was that my reading comprehension was that of a 3rd or 4th grader, I was tired of those little kids books. She completely broke my confidence and honestly, I never recovered.
If she knew the damage she had done to me, I think she would be the one with the broken confidence. She would be horrified if she knew.
I chose a chic-lit book and a classic. I've decided that it is time for me to read some classic literature.

Penguins fly south after swimming off course - 08 Oct 2008 - NZ Herald: International and World News

Penguins fly south after swimming off course - 08 Oct 2008 - NZ Herald: International and World News

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OH my! Poor penguins!
This is our fault. Global warming. The saddest thing is that we have the resources to fix it and to change our energy sources, but people are too selfish to do it! It makes me sad. I try to do things to help out in little ways, but if everyone would do little things it would make a big impact.
If McPalin gets elected we might as well just buy our tickets to hell. Just send me straight there, oh wait...I will be there if they are in office.

In other news:
The last straw was had. MSM had their last chance to convince me that this was the right place to be, and once again. They failed miserably. Here's the rub, disorganization and ridiculousness is one thing when it is in a job situation. In life you have to put up with a lot of things and a lot of mistakes. You roll with the punches. However, I am inclined to think that you shouldn't have to pay close to $50,000 a year to roll with the punches or get screwed over by your institution. This place is just a business. A poorly run business. It is like I am investing in the stock market and getting no returns. So, what am I going to do? Get my money out and invest somewhere else. Unbelievable.
I will tell anyone the story, but feel a little strange posting it because you never know who is going to read this.

I've been searching for a black bag for a long time. One that holds all of my stuff and looks nice. Well, last night, I was in Barnes and Noble and spotted the new Vera Bradley in Barnes and Noble display and saw the cutest pattern ever. At first I wanted some kind of pretty designer bag, but you know, that doesn't mean much to me. I really like Vera. This pattern is called Night Owl. It is the cutest, so I ordered a bag in that pattern. Yay! If I am going to pay for a pretty black bag I want to love it and have it be very functional. Isn't the pattern cute? When you look closely you can see the little owls. Oh my! Cute.

I am feeling much better today. I talked with my teacher and we came up with a plan for the rest of the semester. However, she did agree that I have a huge decision to make this semester. We talked about the music business and what a strange business it is. I told her about my other thoughts about being a financial planner or a lawyer and she agreed it was a good idea. She also encouraged the public school teacher idea. She said her father was a public school teacher.
She also encouraged the law school idea and told me about a very talented former student of hers who decided to go into law instead and has had a very happy stable life.

I think another question, being 23 almost 24, unemployed as a musician and in one of the most expensive schools in the country...how important is it to me to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am secure? Secure in whatever meaning of the word you want, financially, emotionally, spiritually...This is my question of the semester...not am I quitting music or am I going to persevere or whatnot.
What makes me happy?
What is important to me?
How can I make that happen?
I've been thinking a lot about it, but not obsessing over it like I was doing earlier. I feel that things will fall in place the way they are supposed to and that I will be OK no matter what I decide to do as my career. I just need to make the most of my time here, which I plan to do. My teacher and I decided that I should work on something that I am already confident about. So, we chose Mozart Concerto No. 5. I played it for my FSU auditions when I was a senior in high school. I felt really good about it. Another reason we chose it was to help heal some of the wounds inflicted on me by the teacher that taught it to me when I was in high school. Although my high school teacher was very nice and influential in my life he did some serious damage to my confidence and just me in general. I appreciate my current teacher's desire to help me work on that and get better at the same time.

The South

Paula Dean is fixing fried macaroni and cheese. Haha. That's hilarious. I wouldn't eat it, but it is very funny to think about. She looks really excited about this fried mac and cheese. It's just nice to hear someone say y'all other than me and Bonnie.

"Remember, it is ALL an adventure." -B. Newdome


I used to have this philosophy that a situation is what you make it.
I'm wondering if maybe this week, my goal shouldn't be to just live day by day, because I clearly do not know how to properly do this. Maybe my goal should be to shift my mindset from what can this school give to me, to what could I do at this school and what could I do for the school?
One of my arguments for a bad environment is the morale of the students, the staunch conservatory feel and the way the program is set up. However, if there weren't people like me who didn't want to be the next soloist, or want to gouge the next violinists eyes out for an orchestral position, where would this school go? I mean, it could almost sink down into the Hudson river already, but what if there was no me here? What if there was no person who wanted to teach or who wanted to do something maybe slightly more creative and intellectual than the average bear?
Nothing would ever change. Not that I am the answer to some great change that is going to take place, but who knows what I could learn from this. Everything that has come to me in life has in some way helped someone else at one point or another. I don't want to miss an opportunity to do learn something else.
Honestly, I play at a level that only needs tweaking, I know what I like, and I know how to fix mistakes...so why have I let this place get to me? So I am a little burned out? Everyone hits plateaus. Kevin said something tonight that sparked a new light bulb in my head. He said a lot of times people hit walls when they go back to school. Maybe that is what this is. He suggested that I need to figure out if it is a wall or if it is the end of the road (my words not his concerning a career in music).
My first step towards a new outlook on my current situation is to talk to my teacher and be honest.
The other thing to do is do research on what other types of jobs are available. What other thing can I tack on or add or do to create a Nina job?
In one sense, the best thing I could do would be to become a teacher to instill the opposite of the mindset that is bred here. Maybe that would make it worth the loans and what not.
Kevin also said something else that was very helpful, he said that I shouldn't focus too much on what might be coming or what will be, but what is now.
My mom has also said the same thing and I am really grateful.
I feel the cloud of discouragement and of confusion beginning to lift, even though it is still hazy. Maybe I should just stick it out flaws and all...not as some character building exercise, which god knows I have had plenty, but stick it out because it is important for me to have a masters degree. Maybe the environment has more to do with my own personal aura than the schools. I have the power to overpower the jet black aura of MSM with a different beautiful bright color of my own. (Please forgive the new-age-i-ness of that previous sentence or two). If I believe what I preach...shouldn't I be able to prosper anywhere?
I hate asking these questions on a blog as if I am stupid f#@king Carrie Bradshaw from that inane show "Sex and The City," but I leave them out there anyway.

Orchestral Musician Job Satisfaction

And yet another article proving my point: Orchestra Members are Unhappy People

And my all time favorite: Orchestra Musicians Rank their Job Below PRISON EMPLOYEEES! in the New York Times, research done at Harvard.

Now, this morning I woke up with a much better look on life. It is sunnier here, which truly makes a difference, and I had good conversations with both my mom and Kevin last night.
Although, I have not made any decisions yet, just the thought of other possibilities has already improved my morale. I point these articles out because I feel like I have to prove something...that I am not insane and turning on something that I love(d).
In the article in the NY Times, they state that string quartet members rank their jobs up at the very top in job satisfaction. I believe it. Do you know how many professional string quartets there are in the country? I looked it up. There are quite a few actually, about a page of them. Do you know how many of them actually make enough money to live on and have regular performance opportunities? From the ones on the list I could come up with less than TEN!
Here is my other concern: the life of a free lance musician.

• no health insurance
• live gig to gig, which is fun in your twenties, but how will you feel when you hit that over 35 mark and you are still playing in 4-5 regional orchestras, playing weddings, and teaching the occasional child?
• small orchestras are constantly going under, if we haven't noticed we are in a financial meltdown...who do you think is the first to get cut? Doctors?
• Starting salaries for small orchestras range from $14,000-$20,000 a year
• Considering that most students take out in between $45,000 - $200,000 in loans for their degrees in music, $14,000 scares me.
  
• There are about a million violinists and at the moment, currently TODAY there are 33 job openings WORLD WIDE! ( http://www.musicalchairs.info/OrchJobsUSNavEnglish.htm)

Lawyer Pay Scale Lawyers have mixed job satisfaction click here

Reasons I would be a lawyer:

• Intellectual challenge
• Help people
• Represent someone or some group for a good cause (like musicians or educators)
  
• New challenges every case
  

I just practiced and didn't throw my violin. Yay me.

Every time I want to smash my violin up against the wall, which is pretty much all the time, I do LSAT quizzes and work on logic strategies. I think I am going to register to take the LSAT in February and then try again in June to improve my score and see what I need to work on.
Here's the deal.
Violin has been my life. I have poured so much time into it. There comes a point when you do a little too much and reach the edge of insanity and hatred. There is a fine line between love and hate. That is why everything should be in moderation. I am burned out!
I have no problem focusing my attention on reading or writing or even figuring out little problems. My problem is that I cannot do that on violin anymore. For the past 14 years of my life it is all I have done and I cannot do it any longer. It is something that I loved that now I hate and I hate THAT!
I want to love it. I just cannot do it. I would love to play in some rinky-dink low pressure community orchestra, play wedding gigs, and maybe teach some lessons on the side. I cannot eat and breathe it. That is what it takes at this level. I am not willing to do that. I can focus my attention like that on other things because they are NOT close to my heart.
Somethings are too close to your heart to put yourself through this kind of pain. Violin used to be close to my heart and I hate what the music profession and music school has done to me. I curse it. I would rather be a jaded lawyer or financial adviser who comes to work everyday from 9-5 than play in a disgruntled orchestra and constantly have someone breathing down my throat about my performance in music.
I can handle it when it is something not close to me, but please. That is the reason people. Read it and get over it. Accept it. If I don't want to hate music entirely I must put it down. I don't know for how long...but I must.

New a.m. Routine

Kevin wakes me up almost every morning. It is nice to start the day hearing his voice.
After stumbling out of bed I make coffee. This morning, as a special treat, I had to make my coffee with no filter. I used a paper towel instead. Do you really think I'm going to stagger down to cafeteria and get some coffee down there? I think not.
After I make the coffee, I eat my Special K and check my email. Then, the best part: I watch the previous night's episodes of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report." After all this liberal hilarious media, I do yoga and then do what I need to for school.
Aren't you glad you know what I do in the mornings?
Here are my goals for the day:

• Do yoga.
• Practice at least 20 minutes. (You think I'm kidding...but I am not)
• Go to class (Theory...oh my...)
  
• Buy coffee filters
  
• Explore a new street.
• I think I need to go to a museum...I am in need of inspiration
• Mail my absentee ballot (YAY Obama)

What The?!

So.
This hugenormous test I have today has quite a few medieval musical examples. I just found out, at 10:00 last night that the recordings are online. No one told me this. Our professor didn't say this. Who knew MSM was organized enough to have a library page with the entire Norton Anthology online.
What the?!
I have to study even more this morning. What the?!
Thank goodness that it isn't gray outside today. I hope it stays pretty because the gray weather is super depressing.
I had a funny thought of song last night. You know in Grease when Frenchie drops out of high school to goes to beauty school and they sing that song "Beauty School Drop Out"? Well...Here is my version my words are in italics:

Your story sad to tell,

A twenties ne'er do well,
Most mixed up non-delinquent on the block!
Your future's so unclear now,
What's left of your career now?
Can't even get a trade in on your smile!

Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala...)

MSM dropout,
No graduation day for you.
MSM dropout,
Missed your midterms and hate piano!
Well at least you could have taken time, to wash and clean
ur clothes up,
After spending all that dough to have the doctor fix your nose
up!

Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you proving (What are you provin)?
You've got the dream but not the drive.

If you go for your diploma, you could join a steno pool.
Turn in your violin and go get in Law School!

MSM dropout (Music school dropout),
Hanging around the corner store.
MSM dropout (Music school dropout),
It's about time you knew the score.

Well they couldn't teach you anything,
You think you're such a looker,
But no customer would go to you unless she was a hooker!

Baby don't sweat it (Don't sweat it),
You don't want an orchestral job
Better forget it (Forget it),
Who wants their kid taught by a snob?

Now your bangs are curled, your lashes whirled, but still the
world is cruel.
Wipe off that angel face and go get in Law School!

Baby don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Baby you know it,
Even Dear Abby'd say the same!

Now I've called the shot, get off the block, I really gotta
fly!
Gotta be going to that, malt shop, in the sky!

MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School
MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School
MSM dropout (MSM dropout)
go get in Law School

Suzy Sad Face

My favorite mug shattered today.

$$$$$$$$

How much is a masters degree worth?
Kevin thinks I am burned out. I would have to agree. Every time I come up with some something or another to convince myself that I am really liking this, I run into some kind of block.
What is puzzling me is, am I the block?
Have I ever learned to make the most out of a situation?
Have I ever learned to stick things out?
Have I ever learned to be happy where I am?
The answer to all these questions is yes. Yes I have, so why do I still feel so gross about being here?
Here are some other questions that bebop around my brain.
Is studying with my teacher here worth it?
Is the education I am receiving worth the money I have poured into it?
I am trying so hard to take each day as it comes and appreciate it for what it is, but I find myself right back in the same spot at the end of the day. Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough.
A friend yesterday asked me if it was because I am homesick. Well, yes that does play a role. She said that she couldn't judge a place by only being there 5-6 weeks. I disagree.
Maybe something will happen between now and Thanksgiving that will completely change my life and open my eyes to the wonder and beauty of being a graduate student.
So, ok MSM...show me your stuff...your best...or I am out of here.

Oh Yes

I also forgot to add these pics. I never take pictures of my bow.
Only my violin. Well. No longer.

Nina, Nina, Nina

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. I could barely sleep. I kept waking up and checking the time. I was hot. I was cold. I was uncomfortable. I was breathing too loud. I had way too much caffeine yesterday and I paid for it. Oops.
There is a big test tomorrow in history so I thought I would try to keep myself up. Well, I did, but way past the point of up for studying time.
Here's the other thing. I was reading my little novel and got so excited about what was happening that I jumped to the last few pages and read the ending. Oops.
I wanted to know what happens!!! Now I do, but I don't know how they get there. So, I will finish the book and see how it all unfolds.

The other weird thing that happened was I woke up in a daze and thought that I was back in my room in Marietta and that my dad was cutting the grass. I thought I could hear it.
Too bad my room in Marietta ended up being my dorm room in NY and my Dad cutting the grass in the backyard ended up being some custodian vacuuming the hallway.

Oh well.

I hate it when that happens. Sometimes, I get this feeling like I am back in Tallahassee and that Kevin and I will be going to share a chicken burrito at On the Border and then go back home to snuggle on the couch and watch Seinfeld for 8 hours. I miss that life.

I really need to do my yoga burn dvd. It looks like smoggy pea soup outside, so I think park walking is out for the morning. Yuck.

Money Under the Mattress

Doesn't sound like such a bad idea at the moment does it?
This whole financial crises has me a tad freaked out. I've really considered getting another undergraduate degree in finance. Lord. What a scary time.
Kevin says there are gas shortages in GA. He says the lines wrap around the gas station into the traffic in the streets. He said he went into UPS to mail something to me yesterday and as he got there a gas tanker truck pulled in to a nearby gas station. By the time he came out of the gas station the people were peeling the numbers off the sign and turning people away.
Scary.
These financial times are very scary for me considering my profession and the fact that I am currently taking out student loans. Luckily, I am with BOA and they are the largest bank in America. However, a lot of banks are discontinuing their student loans.
Scary.
Well, what can we do? I do not know.
On another note, I've started reading a new book. I really like it so far. I'd never heard of it before, but it looked interesting. It is Names My Sisters Call Me by Megan Crane. It is about three sisters who lost their father and only have the women in their family. The main character, the youngest sister, Courtney has just gotten engaged and is trying to reunite the three sisters together. The middle sister Raine, the wild child, ruined Norah's, the oldest sister, wedding. Courtney is on a hunt for Raine and tries to piece the sisters back together.
The sister relationships is so funny. I see bits and pieces of my sisters in each of them. The funniest parts are that Courtney is a professional cellist, she just got engaged, and there is a character named Bronwyn.
Ok, let's look at the parallels. I am a violinist, Kevin and I are talking about getting engaged, and my best friend's name is Bronwyn and I have three sisters, lost my dad, and yes.
Woah.
I really like it so far. It is a good read to get my mind off my own life.